As of right now

I am pregnant.

I still can't wrap my mind around it. I keep expecting them to call back and say it was a mistake. My first beta was 125 on Wednesday. Today's beta was 278 and my progesterone is 45. I have another appointment on Monday morning.

They doubled my progesterone, so I am taking six pills a day. And my thyroid medicine is increasing as well. They took me off met. Which I don't agree with, but I honestly keep expecting this to disappear.

Me and Mister are cautiously happy. Or tentatively thrilled.

I just cannot believe it. Not after over three years of negatives.

I am trying to stop myself from getting too excited. We are keeping it just between us and the internets- no family- not till it's safe.

Mister and I

just need some time alone with our thoughts. I'll post more tomorrow.

My nerves are strung tighter than Joan Rivers forehead.

I could not eat breakfast that morning. Unless you count my Forbidden Coffee. Which I did not need, since I was pretty close to hyperventilating. I am calling this morning a win, in that I did not cry at the RE's( does the parking lot count?) and did not crash my car. And did not take anyone hostage while demanding they RUN MY BLOOD NOW.

I asked if I would know before one when I have to leave for work and they said yes. I have no idea how I am going to respond to the news, good or bad. I mean, what is one more negative pregnancy test with the hundreds I have seen? Nothing new. The sky is blue, Fred Phelps is the Biggest Douche Bag in the Universe, Celia has another negative test. Some things are just a given.

I am pretty damn close to losing the last shreds of self control I have and spending the morning looking for signs, or calling psychic hotlines, or praying to Michelle Duggar since she probably gets less requests than Jesus. Maybe the cure to infertility is to have a REALLY EIGHTIES HAIR STYLE.

It's almost tomorrow.

I am glad I took the first available appointment. My blood work is scheduled for 8 a.m. Who knows how long it will take to get it back? Usually when I get my blood drawn in the morning they don't have my results till mid afternoon. Which means I will find out at work. WHICH SUCKS.

A. I will be happyfreakedoutparanoid and who doesn't want to feel like that at work?
B. I will be resignedphilosophicaldepressed and who doesn't want to feel like that at work?

I feel like I have to smack myself around and remind myself that hey- there is an 80% chance that it did not work. And that if it did work on the first try I would be constantly and irrationally waiting for the other shoe to drop.

On the other hand, it does work for some people on the first try. Last night I was lying in bed thinking that right then I might be growing a baby. That we could have a baby in March. I wonder if it feels different to grow up knowing that your parents tried so very hard for you? I know my husband was an accident. He is a little sensitive about it. Do you think that the children of IF ever think about the mountains that had to be moved to get them here? Or, as is the right of children are they unable to imagine a world without them?

I plan on telling our children how difficult it was for them to get here and how very much they were wanted. I want our daughters if we have them to understand their fertility and know enough to take care of it. I want our sons to understand the deep responsibility of having a child. Some day if they are interested, they can read my blog. Of course, most parents are only kind of interesting to their children. I know I would be horrified to read about my parents sex life. But I want them to have the option.

Tomorrow will never come. And tomorrow will be here too soon.

Just waiting

I have plenty to keep me busy till Wednesday. I close at work tonight, then I open tomorrow and Tuesday I have to take Mom to the doctor. So I am booked solid. The cats woke me at 7 a.m. today, but then I fell back to sleep till 11. So today is a snap in the waiting department and tomorrow will be too.

Zero symptoms over here. Zero reasons to think it worked. However, it is too early for symptoms anyway, so I'll just have to be patient till Wednesday.

Blogkeeping

Mister chained himself to the desktop for hours and did a bunch of code-y stuff for me. I am so excited to have stuff on both sides of my blog. And you will notice we added a picture of Mr. Naughtypants .

Mister is working on some pictures of our other cats, so they can all be here. Ninja is true to her name and VERY hard if not impossible to get a picture of. It might be easier to get a good picture of the Loch Ness Monster.

We are having a lazy day together. I may do something more productive than cook lunch, but probably not. We had delicious chicken and garlic sausage sauteed with baby spinach and green beans.

Five days till testing.

So tired I don't know how I'll get through the day

I feel so tired that I am swaying in my chair a little. But I have to go to work. A. We need the money to pay for our medical bills, B there is no one to cover for me tonight. What am I gonna do, call out tired? I feel ok to drive, but I also feel like I could nap for hours. I think in the interest of making it to work, I am going to have a second cup of coffee. If I am not pg, it won't hurt, and if I am well- crashing the car would be worse.

I wonder if people use progesterone for recreational purposes? Last night I slept from midnight till 10 30 a.m.

I talked to my nurse about it yesterday and she said to sleep as much as possible and that my body would get used to it. She offered the one you shove up your cookie as a replacement and said it has less side effects but costs more. How much more? The progesterone was about 40 dollars. Mister said I could switch but I am not too thrilled by the idea of peanut panties.

Plus I am crying every day over like tv commercials and songs on the radio. Is that from the leftover hcg or the progesterone, or is being tired making my depression a little harder to control or what?

My sister told me she really needs a break from Mom. And she is right. Mom needs to come stay for like a month but I have no idea how I could do that. Mom is pretty high maintenance.

What a whiny post. I think it is another Tastykake kind of day.