Kohls was awful

really. First I went and wandered around the infant department. I had no freakin idea WHAT they wear or what to buy. I wish I had stuck with my initial gift card to Walgreens idea. Anyhow I picked out some bibs and some kind of onsie things. I don't know. Good God.

Then I wandered for at least half an hour searching for the maternity section. I asked three different employees and finally the third one took me there instead of giving me vague directions . Attention Kohls- how about a damn SIGN? Why are you hiding the damn maternity section? Anyhow I FINALLY got some pants and tried them on. Frankly they freaked me out too much to buy them. I bought a pair of pants that sit on your hips and bypass Poo Baby completely. And I got a new pair of sneakers and a blouse. I wanted something comfortable because it is freaking July and then I have to go to work.

So basically I guess poor Sea Monkey is effed. Because I am going to have to dress him or her eventually.

It was somewhat of a fiasco. However, I am home, there are presents ( with gift receipts- it was as confusing as going to Best Buy and looking at random computer parts) and I won't be naked. I am freaking beat. I am gonna go take my nine jillion pills and go to bed.

Shopping today

I am headed to Kohls to buy a baby gift for the shower I am going to. And an outfit. Because I am a wreck and none of my pants fit. And it's not because of Sea Monkey. It's because I MAY NEVER POO AGAIN. Yesterday I waged battle with prunes, prune juice, high fiber cereal, grapes and an apple. Which my colon laughed at, the stubborn bastard.

I am having extremely mixed feelings about going to the shower. I hate them so much. I didn't like them BEFORE infertility. I am going because I love my friend. But I am dreading it. I don't think being pregnant is going to make it easier. I think it is just going to panic me.

I am trying to get into some kind of receptive mindframe since I don't think I can avoid a shower of my own. I have tried thinking about it as including our family, and celebrating the baby. But I still want to run away. And I WILL dammit if anyone tries to surprise me. It is awful to surprise someone with a bladder that can only hold a teaspoon of liquid. The very idea just makes me hysterical.

I reallyreally get panicky just thinking about it. Almost irrationally panicky. Also, I feel really shy about being pregnant- even though the remark" I know what YOU'VE been doing",does not apply. Unless they are archly referring to my hot times with Nurse Elizabeth at the RE's.

I am trying.

Our house

Well then, here is an update. The upstairs bathroom still needs the new sink installed, but other than that it is finished. NONE of the rooms have curtains because we can never agree on them. So we still have the horrid shades hanging. Aside from the lack of drapes, our bedroom is done. The downstairs bathroom- is almost done. The shower is in and all it needs are those little dealies that go between the handles and the shower wall.

The kitchen. Sigh. I am sure it will be attractive someday. Mister and his friend installed a new to us dishwasher last weekend. We desperately needed a new dishwasher but I did not want to buy one since I want all the appliances to match. And I want them all new and at the same time. But our friends Aunt was redoing her kitchen and gave us her five year old dishwasher. Which works so much better than the forty year old one we had.

While Mister and his friend were crawling around under the sink they found that one of the pipes had rusted to the point that you could crumble it with your hand. So we were maybe one dishwasher cycle away from a kitchen full of water. Which I have mixed feelings about. If that had happened, it would have been an awful mess but the insurance company would have fixed it. However, disaster was averted.

Our living room is pretty much finished. Our dining room looks like a bomb hit it. A bomb filled with the detritus of moving and projects. We have been eating on the sofa for months while the dining room acts like a giant tool box.

My reading room is now the baby's room. We decided if we had twins Mister would give up his larger room and if it was just one I would give up my room. It is important to me for Mister to have a place for all his crap- I mean treasured collectibles. Plus, when Mom finally moves back in he will need a place to hide. Till we finish the basement. So Mister's room is kinda finished but he still has a ton of crap to put away- because the man just has a ton of crap. Seriously.

We are not touching the baby's room till after Christmas. It is ballerina pink right now, but obviously we may change that.

Problems I see coming. Misters stuff. He loves legos and puzzles and models- or shall I call then choking hazards? He is going to have to be very careful about that. Our carpet- we have to get it steam cleaned.

The cats. How are our five darling babies( ok honestly Chili is not darling he is a cranky old bastard)going to handle the baby? Everyone is going to have to get along because I am NOT getting rid of my babies. But I am concerned about keeping our free range wanderers out of the babies room and off the baby. I remember a few years ago I had to go to hell( I mean Babies R Us) and they had this meshy cover for the crib top that a cat could actually lie on, kinda like a pool cover tha lets air in?

Mom. Good Christ. Mom is going to make me crazy.

I have really been too tired to do much of anything for weeks. Just the bare minimum to keep the board of health from condemming us.

Heartbeat 125 bpm

Wow. Mister and I saw little Sea Monkey's heart beating. It was wonderful. Everything looks nice and normal and as good as can be. They talked to us about testing for Down syndrome at week 11. I am measuring 6 weeks and five days. At first they thought Sea Monkey was small but I reminded them that I took a long time to ovulate.

I got an "official pregnancy packet" with information on the first trimester and diet and exercise. Exercise-lol. I told them I absolutely wanted the genetic screening. I remember the long wait to see if we were carriers of Tay Sachs. I want to have all the information I can possibly get. I am going to be with them up through 10 weeks and then get released.

We talked about where I would go in Jeresy or Pennsylvania. I am not too keen on driving my widening ass to Jersey for all my appointments. We talked about my constipation(yum) and now I have to eat four prunes a day and drink half a cup of prune juice. If that doesn't work I get colace.

I asked what my odds were of a live birth. She said 90%. She confirmed that once they see the heartbeat you are very unlikely to have a miscarriage in the first trimester. I have more bloodwork on the 31 and the 3rd and my next ultrasound is the 7th. Which would be 8 weeks 2 days.

When we saw the heart beating we both said "holy shit" at the same time. Then I said "it's not dead!" The ulrasound was great on the screen, but the picture was awful and very blurry.

I almost forgot, the due date is March 14th. Which will be almost exactly four years since we started trying.

2nd ultrasound this morning.

Why do I go to every test convinced the baby has died? I told Mister last night about it and he told me I can't think like that. Everything has been ok and there is no reason to think anything will go wrong. Except sometimes it does. It's a good thing I don't believe in bullshit like The Secret.

Dear Sea Monkey,

Still be in there, ok? We bought you a present. It's a Mister Potato Head Transformer.

love,

Mommy

Beta #6? 52,000

progesterone 37. I missed a beta somewhere last week. But everything is fine. I have had some morning sickness today and yesterday. It comes from nowhere and then BAM. We are on the hunt for something called Preggie Pops. I googled and Walgreens carries them. If they don't
w.o0rk, don't tell me. Maybe if my brain thinks it works, that is enough. Placebo effect is fine with me, as long as there is effect.

Also, I am gonna take a crack at making homade ginger syrup. That way I can put it in seltzer and make my own ginger ale without any crap in it. Maybe tomorrow? It depends when I go to the grocery store.

Monday at 7:30 am we go look for the heartbeat. Yay Sea Monkey!

Fun lies to tell people to hide your pregnancy

Feel free to add yours

All this gas is from the Taco Bell run we made.

I'm not drinking- I'm driving.

No coldcuts- I heard that deli was dirty. let's get pizza.

I can't lift- I strained my back at pilates. ( This is totally believable I tried pilates ONCE and felt like a truck ran me over.)

My boobs are bigger because I went on a new kind f birth control.

I am thinking pregnancy brain can be blamed on lack of sleep or overwork.

Frequent peeing- UTI.

I actually lied a giant lie and said if I was pregnant I would surely have told THEM. A giant lie all the way around.

Didja notice that two Breeders are reading

this blog? I am dying. Lookit the poll.

Dear Breeders,

We are smarter than you, and much meaner. Go read a Breeder Blog about whatever the fuck Breeders do with all the money they don't spend getting pregnant.

love,

Celia

A sign, or what?

As I said, I don't want to tell till November. For my own peace of mind and because my Dad is on an extended trip to Alaska. But for whatever reason, crap just keeps coming up that makes it really hard not to tell. Like, yesterday at work a ton of boxes fell down. But I could not pick them up because they were easily over the twenty pound weight restriction my doctor gave me.

Also, my sister wanted me to cat sit for a week- including changing the litter. I got out of it by telling her I have not changed our cat litter for over three years and that if it worked this month, it could hurt the baby. This worked because while my sister knew when I was on tamoxifen, and when my cycle started, she has zero idea about how long it would take to find anything out, or even if I got my period and started round two. My sister has only the vaguest understanding of the infertility process.

Then yesterday she sent me an email asking me to bring my vacuum up because her's broke and is at the repair shop. So of course the vacuum weighs too much too. I told her she would have to get it out of the car and then bring it back down. Which was a red flag even to her. Then she emailed me back asking if there was something I was trying to tell her. I said no, and to calm down. Then I said I had hurt my back at work.

This is a hard secret to keep.

Beta # 5 13,827

Progesterone 43. So everything is good. Yow.

I am tired. NO, TIRED. I went to bed at eight last night and am fantasizing about a nap. But I am too scared to take one because if I don't wake up I'll be late for work. The DEATH FARTS seem to be gone for now. I would get the most unattractive symptom possible. I still have exhaustion and constipation, and breast tenderness. I am more happy than anything else about my symptoms. However, I am doing battle with my colon. WTF colon? I give you a giant salad every day with chickpeas and three servings of fruit and either oatmeal or high fiber cereal. My colon is hanging onto poo like Scrooge with a penny. GIVE UP THE GOODS COLON.

According to Dr. Google morning sickness might start next week. I am a little concerned about that. If I throw up, will I be throwing up my thyroid pill that develops the baby's brain? I am gonna ask on Monday. At least they are monitoring my thyroid so I know the levels are ok.

I have actually lost two pounds since I got on the scale last. Which is weird. I have been very careful about my diet since they took me off the met. I know I am not supposed to gain much weight at all.

In the morning I have organic oatmeal with organic milk and blueberries or high fiber cereal with either organic strawberries, blueberries or a banana.

Then for snack I have either a piece of low fat cheese, or a single serve yogurt or cottage cheese with fruit or some raw nuts. I keep a bunch of bananas on the counter and eat one a day.

Then it depends. If I am at work for lunch I pack a giant organic salad with fat free balsamic and grilled chicken and chick peas and a few olives. Yesterday I was at home and had grilled cheese on whole wheat with tomato soup. Sometimes I will have leftovers like white chicken chili or turkey lasagna. Today I am having a scrambled egg and cheese sandwich. Which is a little carby- but I know I am allowed 300 more calories a day now.

Then I have a snack. Today I has a piece of lowfat cheese with three Ritz crackers. Yesterday I had a banana and some raw trail mix.

Throughout the day I drink water. Sometimes seltzer or a spritzer. For dinner I might have a cheeseburger( no hormones) or a nitrate free hotdog, or fritatta, or chili( I am thinking of giving up chili till March)or turkey lasagna, or meatloaf or chicken and broccoli. Last night I had macaroni and cheese with broccoli and a peice of chicken sausage. Tonight I am having a salad. Sometimes I have a treat, sometimes I don't.

Tomorrow I am baking off the meatloaf.

What do you think? Pretty good diet? I feel like it's ok.

Today

Today I am waiting for my blood test results. They were fine on Friday. So hopefully everything will still be fine today. If everything is still cooking along(please?) I have more blood work on Friday and then a day or so after that is another ultrasound. Which I scheduled for 7:30 in the morning so Mister can come.

I am also changing the sheets, and doing laundry and making a macaroni and cheese for dinner, with broccoli and chicken sausage.

We went to a bookstore I did not work at last night. This is important, because everyone who works at a bookstore knows when you need a book that is private you have to go to the competition. I was sneaking around looking for the pregnancy section but could not bring myself to ask anyone. Then when I finally found it, I was too freaked out to read the books in public. Maybe I can get some sent to the house in a plain brown wrapper. I have three pregnancy books already, but I hid them like two years ago and now I can't find them. I have a really great one for Mister too- somewhere.

You know what I am really wondering? How much does a regular person spend being pregnant? Since June( not all the bills are here yet) we have spent 438 dollars on my co-pays and prescriptions. And I have at least a hundred dollars more in co-pays and drugs before July is over. I am just curious to know what normal women spend.

Sunday Stealing

I stole this from The Book Kitten, whose blog is excellent. It's pinned to my sidebar, go visit.

1. Who was the last person of the opposite sex you lay in a bed with?
My darling husband.

2. Where was the last place you went out to eat?
Last week we went to the Victory Brew Pub in Downingtown, PA. They have WONDERFUL beer, and excellent food. I did not have any beer- but I did have an awesome dinner. Fun fact- they are the LARGEST American owned and American made brewery now that the giant Anhauser Busch was bought by a foreign company.

3. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed?
Um, few weeks ago I had a sip of Scott's beer.

4. Which do you prefer - eyes or lips?
Eyes. Mister has lovely, warm, chocolate brown eyes.

5. Medicine, fine arts, or law?
Fine Arts, no contest.

6. Best kind of pizza?
If I am being honest I like all pizza except Papa Johns and Pizza Hut. I LOVE Jenos super cheap pizza where the cheese doesn't even melt. Sad, but true.

7. What is in store for your future?
Hopefully, all will go well and in March I will be a stay at home Mommy.

8. Who was the last band you saw live?
Tenacious D, bitches!

9. Do you take care of your friends while they are sick?
Umm, to be honest only if it is convienent. I hate driving.

10. How many songs are on your iPod?
I hate IPODS, and I will walk nekkid through the streets before I buy one. The music quality sucks, and I hate sticking things in my ears. Gross.

11. Where is the last place you drove to?
Home, after a long day at work.

12. Where did your last kiss take place?
Almost as soon as I walked in the door.

13. What were you doing at 11:59 PM on Monday night?
Umm. Sorry, I seem to have an early case of Pregnancy Brain.

14. Are you a quitter?
I am the most stubborn person you will ever meet, but I am a realist. If something really isn't working I move on.

15. Who was the last person you had in your house?
We have company right now. I sneaked upstairs for some peace and quiet. We are leaving in a little for Harry Potter.

16. What do you think about people who party a lot?
Good for them. I am boring.

17. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
I wish. I have ZERO modestly left after infertility.

18. What was the last CD you purchased?
No clue. I don't buy a lot of cds.

19. What are two bands or singers that you will always love?
THE BEASTIE BOYS AND BRAD PAISLEY.

20. Which of the seven deadly sins are you guilty of?
Most of them.

21. How is your last ex doing?
No clue.

So tired.

So so tired. I opened at work yesterday and then we went to a barbecue and now I have to open again. Mister said I can't do stuff like that anymore and he is right. At the party last night I felt like everyone knew. It would almost be easier to tell people than to feel like a lying liarpants all the time. The only thing keeping my big mouth shut is knowing :
A. Untelling is the worst thing ever. WAIT til it's safe. Safe Safe Safe
B. 8 months of people knowing would make me nuts. I know it, because of how aggravated I was when we were engaged. I could only handle the three emails and three phone calls a day for three months(sometime more)- then we eloped. So , 8 months of "what is the name, boy or girl, breast or bottle,what color is the nursery,WHAT IS THE NAME, why didn't you tell me first, when are you gonna have another, what are you crazy- get an epidural" I love my family but they are quite mmm involved with stuff like this. I have a Mother, A Mother in Law and a Step Mother. All of whom I love and love me, but all of whom are gonna be on me like a dog on a bone.

C. NOT TO MENTION MY HATRED OF BABY SHOWERS.

Whoops, I got all capsy. Sorry. I do hate baby showers. I DON'T want one. I would not mind a christening, but baby showers just set my teeth on edge. I nicely avoided a bridal shower. Ugh I sound like a total asshole. Mister thinks I am nuts not to want a shower- because for sure we are spending a ton of money just staying pregnant and will have much less put aside for stuff than if we were not spending 300 bucks a month on co-pays and drugs. Plus he thinks a shower is nice. With people that love you spending time with you.

Which is true. But I still feel so far removed from normal. I just don't think I could sit through one and have people that don't know what we went though make moronic(to me) comments, and maybe have people that DO KNOW think that it is ok to talk about it there. PLUS what if the "don't knows" and the "do knows" talk to each other and say Mom finds out how hard this was and then wants to talk about it.

Ugh Ugh Ugh. NO.

I hate hate hate being the center of attention. Not like those people who say they do and then really like it secretly. Those jerks screw it up for people that really hate it. And the people I hate most are the people who think I am one of the people that will like it once I get it. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. You are the people that drag innocent party haters out of their chair at weddings to do the Macarena/Chicken Dance.

Ok. I feel a little better knowing that even pregnant, I am still my non-joiner, non-conformist self.

Who really likes showers? I do not get it at all. Not even a little. AND MY MOTHER IN LAW WILL BE BEYOND PISSED IF I DON'T HAVE ONE. Especially after we skipped all wedding festivities.

Ultrasound

I saw Sea Monkey! Or at least the blob that is becoming Sea Monkey. I am measuring between 4 1/2 and five weeks. I have the next ultrasound in 12 days. Where they are hoping to see the heartbeat. But they told me if we don't see one not to panic, since it is so very early. There was a yolk sac so that is great!

They are gonna monitor my blood twice a week for a while. I think they keep me til three months and then I get released to an O.B. Please Jesus.

I think we might spend about 300-400 dollars this month just on co-pays and drugs. My progesterone got refilled yesterday and it was 50 dollars. But without insurance it would have been 500. Yow.

So we are poor. But we are also rich. I will try and get Mister to scan in the ultrasound.

Beta # 4 3000 plus!

The RE's computer system was down today so they could not access any of their results till almost three o'clock. So I was driving when they called back I and could not write the numbers down. But tomorrow at 9 I get an ultrasound. I am really really really hoping that everything will look good and Sea Monkey is right where he(She?) belongs.

In symptom land I am just tired. And I have gas that could knock over a horse. For real. It is so bad. Granted, I will take heinous and uncontrollable gas over barfing but still. This is not a gentle passing of wind. This is an awful hurricane of stench.

Dearest Sea Monkey,

Mommy is very excited to see you tomorrow. Mommy will buy you the totally tricked out stroller of your choice - with rims and everything if you just hold back a teeny bit on the ass napalm. However, that is just an option I am throwing out there.

love,

Stinky Mommy

No new results till tomorrow.

I am sticking with the "nothing bad has happened yet" idea. We have our first challenge tonight. Some family and friends are coming over and we are going to a brewery for dinner. A brewery whose beer I LOVE. So I am not totally sure how I am gonna play it. I think I am just going to tell a half truth. I only got four hours of sleep and if I drank I would fall face first in my nachos.

They should accept that. I told Mister he will have to help cover for me. I am not a big drinker anyway. Usually I just have half a beer. So hopefully no one will notice.

I do plan on putting a hurtin on some onion rings. And dessert. YUM.

I am feeling pretty calm about our blood work. Not because I think everything will be perfect and we will live happily ever after- I just feel calm. Like, we have done every damn thing we can and if the baby dies, then something was just very wrong. I guess I feel like it's out of my hands. I am taking my pills, I am eating right, I am putting my feet up everyday and drinking lots of water.

I know I am a little crazy to think this, but I feel like everything will be fine. I have felt that way since the third beta. Like, intellectually I am prepared for The Badness, but emotionally I am just skipping around and seeing blue skies and puffy clouds. It's NOT LIKE ME AT ALL.

Today I am determined to enjoy myself.

I am going to be positive. I am going to look at nursery furniture and think about names. I am going to enjoy my time today with Sea Monkey.

Sadly, it won't be all rainbows and kittens. I have to clean the bathroom and kitchen. And put away laundry. I should really change the sheets too, but that can wait till tomorrow.

Beta #3 1165

progesterone 37. Go Sea Monkey! I have another blood test on Wednesday and maybe the first ultrasound on Friday. Where they will look for what? A fetal pole? A heartbeat? I asked Marie when I could stop worrying about a miscarriage. She asked what I meant. I asked if because of my hypoglycemia and thyroid problems, did I need to be more concerned? She said she could not make me stop worrying but that everything looks good. And it does look good. Which is way better than the alternative.

You know that joke about the optimist standing in the room full of horse shit? "I KNOW there's a pony here somewhere!" I feel like someone gave me a pony and I am suspiciously looking for the shit.

I am just going to take it test by test. My next goal is to make it through Wednesday. Which is gonna suck. I have to open and my relief does not get there till 2. So I have to race across the street and get my blood drawn before three. I am gonna see if my boss will swap with me. Because otherwise I will have to wait till Thursday for the results. It is hard to wait till the afternoon, waiting a whole day will make me berserko.

You know, when I was pregnant before I went to the first ultrasound expecting to see a heartbeat. And then the whole world collapsed. For a long time I was able to put my miscarriage, if not behind me than into a little box marked Something That Happened. It was awful, and I think it was avoidable. I really do. But it happened. And I wish I was not so aware that it could happen again. I just keep repeating that I am healthier and we know about my thyroid and my hypoglycemia. And that everything looks good.

When would you feel safe?

I want to thank everyone so much for being so supportive. And I want to REALLY thank my In Real Life friends for keeping my secret. Riches shall be yours. Or at least brownies.

More blood work tomorrow.

And of course I am expecting the phone call to be- long pause" I'm so sorry, but your beta is not what it should be." I am repeating to myself that everything is fine right now. But I figure I am looking at 8 months of paranoia. Is is paranoia or is it being realistic?


Dear Sea Monkey,

Please don't be dead. Stay right where you are for the next 8 months. If possible do not make Mommy fart in public. But that is just for extra credit.

Mister got worried about me today, when I was taking longer than normal to come home and he called to check on me. He said he was worried about his two favorite people. Which I thought was sweet.

Today I was VERY thankful that I don't have morning sickness yet. First- someone fed their kid a cream cheese bagel and some Capri Sun. Which they threw up ALL OVER the store. It was bad. So bad. ( Do not even get me started on the fact that the Mom did not say Oh- so sorry my child has painted your store in vomit, and THEN she kept shopping like nothing happened and they were there for at least another half hour. Who would combine acidic juice and cream cheese? Of COURSE that poor kid threw up. ) THEN someone peed all over the floor in the ladies room. It was gag-tastic. So I am very thankful that all I am is high off progesterone or I would surely have been sympathy puking all morning.

I have a new ( to me? I have never seen it before) Charlaine Harris book to read tomorrow while I wait for the Everything Is Still Great News or the Everything Has Gone To Shit News.

As of right now

I am pregnant.

I still can't wrap my mind around it. I keep expecting them to call back and say it was a mistake. My first beta was 125 on Wednesday. Today's beta was 278 and my progesterone is 45. I have another appointment on Monday morning.

They doubled my progesterone, so I am taking six pills a day. And my thyroid medicine is increasing as well. They took me off met. Which I don't agree with, but I honestly keep expecting this to disappear.

Me and Mister are cautiously happy. Or tentatively thrilled.

I just cannot believe it. Not after over three years of negatives.

I am trying to stop myself from getting too excited. We are keeping it just between us and the internets- no family- not till it's safe.

Mister and I

just need some time alone with our thoughts. I'll post more tomorrow.

My nerves are strung tighter than Joan Rivers forehead.

I could not eat breakfast that morning. Unless you count my Forbidden Coffee. Which I did not need, since I was pretty close to hyperventilating. I am calling this morning a win, in that I did not cry at the RE's( does the parking lot count?) and did not crash my car. And did not take anyone hostage while demanding they RUN MY BLOOD NOW.

I asked if I would know before one when I have to leave for work and they said yes. I have no idea how I am going to respond to the news, good or bad. I mean, what is one more negative pregnancy test with the hundreds I have seen? Nothing new. The sky is blue, Fred Phelps is the Biggest Douche Bag in the Universe, Celia has another negative test. Some things are just a given.

I am pretty damn close to losing the last shreds of self control I have and spending the morning looking for signs, or calling psychic hotlines, or praying to Michelle Duggar since she probably gets less requests than Jesus. Maybe the cure to infertility is to have a REALLY EIGHTIES HAIR STYLE.

It's almost tomorrow.

I am glad I took the first available appointment. My blood work is scheduled for 8 a.m. Who knows how long it will take to get it back? Usually when I get my blood drawn in the morning they don't have my results till mid afternoon. Which means I will find out at work. WHICH SUCKS.

A. I will be happyfreakedoutparanoid and who doesn't want to feel like that at work?
B. I will be resignedphilosophicaldepressed and who doesn't want to feel like that at work?

I feel like I have to smack myself around and remind myself that hey- there is an 80% chance that it did not work. And that if it did work on the first try I would be constantly and irrationally waiting for the other shoe to drop.

On the other hand, it does work for some people on the first try. Last night I was lying in bed thinking that right then I might be growing a baby. That we could have a baby in March. I wonder if it feels different to grow up knowing that your parents tried so very hard for you? I know my husband was an accident. He is a little sensitive about it. Do you think that the children of IF ever think about the mountains that had to be moved to get them here? Or, as is the right of children are they unable to imagine a world without them?

I plan on telling our children how difficult it was for them to get here and how very much they were wanted. I want our daughters if we have them to understand their fertility and know enough to take care of it. I want our sons to understand the deep responsibility of having a child. Some day if they are interested, they can read my blog. Of course, most parents are only kind of interesting to their children. I know I would be horrified to read about my parents sex life. But I want them to have the option.

Tomorrow will never come. And tomorrow will be here too soon.

Just waiting

I have plenty to keep me busy till Wednesday. I close at work tonight, then I open tomorrow and Tuesday I have to take Mom to the doctor. So I am booked solid. The cats woke me at 7 a.m. today, but then I fell back to sleep till 11. So today is a snap in the waiting department and tomorrow will be too.

Zero symptoms over here. Zero reasons to think it worked. However, it is too early for symptoms anyway, so I'll just have to be patient till Wednesday.

Blogkeeping

Mister chained himself to the desktop for hours and did a bunch of code-y stuff for me. I am so excited to have stuff on both sides of my blog. And you will notice we added a picture of Mr. Naughtypants .

Mister is working on some pictures of our other cats, so they can all be here. Ninja is true to her name and VERY hard if not impossible to get a picture of. It might be easier to get a good picture of the Loch Ness Monster.

We are having a lazy day together. I may do something more productive than cook lunch, but probably not. We had delicious chicken and garlic sausage sauteed with baby spinach and green beans.

Five days till testing.

So tired I don't know how I'll get through the day

I feel so tired that I am swaying in my chair a little. But I have to go to work. A. We need the money to pay for our medical bills, B there is no one to cover for me tonight. What am I gonna do, call out tired? I feel ok to drive, but I also feel like I could nap for hours. I think in the interest of making it to work, I am going to have a second cup of coffee. If I am not pg, it won't hurt, and if I am well- crashing the car would be worse.

I wonder if people use progesterone for recreational purposes? Last night I slept from midnight till 10 30 a.m.

I talked to my nurse about it yesterday and she said to sleep as much as possible and that my body would get used to it. She offered the one you shove up your cookie as a replacement and said it has less side effects but costs more. How much more? The progesterone was about 40 dollars. Mister said I could switch but I am not too thrilled by the idea of peanut panties.

Plus I am crying every day over like tv commercials and songs on the radio. Is that from the leftover hcg or the progesterone, or is being tired making my depression a little harder to control or what?

My sister told me she really needs a break from Mom. And she is right. Mom needs to come stay for like a month but I have no idea how I could do that. Mom is pretty high maintenance.

What a whiny post. I think it is another Tastykake kind of day.

Update on my wanding.

I really, really for real ovulated!
My corpus luteum was 19 ml, and my lining was 17.7. So it's either a great place to grow a baby, or I am gonna have the Mother Of All Periods and look like someone dumped a bucket of pig blood on me.

I asked the nurse when she was going over my results with me what our odds were, really for real. I told her I was concerned about Mister's sperm being under a million for the iui. ( This morning I told Mister that I felt like I didn't understand his sperm well enough. Which made him laugh. ) She said Mister's sperm was fine and actually the best they could hope for there, and that we should have no problem getting pregnant with an iui. She said if it had been bad we would have gone right to ivf.

She said that while sometimes everything looks right- it just does not work. And that sometimes it looks awful and does work. And that everything looks as good as it can. So it is just a big old waiting game till next week. Which I'm sure will just fly by. Right.

Lining check today. Seven days left.

I am freakin tired. I hate you Progesterone. Unless I am pregnant and you are saving my baby. In which case I love you. But most likely not, so till proven otherwise I shall hate ya. I feel like I partied all day and then pulled an all nighter writing a term paper. Instead of getting into bed and reading a collction of stories. Pat McManus is an awesome story teller and very re-readable.

Today is my lining check. I am tormenting myself by imagining that the Wielder Of The Wand will see something. Something like, say a baby. Which is impossible. However, it is what I am imagining. I might as well imagine myself up a corvette and a basket of inported french cheese while I'm at it.

NON INFERTILES WHO READ THIS BLOG STEP AWAY. You will think this part is crazy.

Go on, now.

Alrighty, now that it's just us, I cannot believe I have not POAS just to see it be positive from the hcg in my system. But I bet if I had a test in the house I would. Do you really think it takes 14 days to know? I figure at the absolute latest it would have impanted yesterday. I just don't want them to call me with my bloodwork results at work. But I don't want to wait either. Basically good or bad I want time to prep my self before the for real answer. Because if it's positive I want to not tell work for a while. And if it's negative I don't want to lock myself in my office and cry.