There will be dranking tonight.

Because I got a negative. Which I was expecting. This was a very easy month, I have no idea why I was not my usual beyond excited super hopeful self but I am enjoying the break.

I have been super evil and short tempered though. And tired. Probably because I need a week long nap after another jolly retail Christmas. So I am gonna get ready for work and then go to my party. Have two beers and most likely chips. Mmmmmmm chips.

If I am lucky AF will hold off till the 5th or 6th so I have the opportunity to start The Drugs.

Well, I am testing tomorrow morning.

Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahha
snort.

whheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze.

hahahahahahhahahahahahha
LOL ROFLMAO

I am testing. hee hee. In other news I will be burning ten dollar bills and leaving all the lights on and faucets running so as to waste as much money as possible. Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket while I am at it?

Because honestly, it is New Years Eve and while I don't want to get drunk- I would not say no to one or two.

Academically, if I was pg (I kill me)would it even matter at that stage of development? I don't remember.

I don't feel pregnant. I am not even a teeny tiny bit hopeful. I just want a guilt free beer. I would be super pissed if I drank water all night only to get AF on New Years Day.

How raging is your PMS

When you cry watching Princess Diaries 2?

Trying to figure out my cycle.

Which is the equivalent of asking myself Zen koans.

If uterus A began metformin on October 24th and blood tests confirmed CD 14 on the 12th of November then October 30 was CD 1. Right?

If Uterus A then had a new cycle begin November 30th and today is CD 29 does it follow that the "new" cycle length courtesy of metformin would indicate the new CD 1 due New Years Eve?

Sadly, there is no uterus B. If only..."hey! You! Bring in the auxiliary reproductive tract. This one is headed to the dump!"

So what do we think? Not enough data? This month was unmonitored but I had EWCM on December 18th. Which was ten days ago. So it could be 10DPO, right? Not right?

Prior to this I had crazy 70 day cycles.

I suppose I could just wait and see but the idea that my cycle might be becoming regular is too intriguing to ignore. At least for me, owner of the uterus in question.

If this is true, I am gonna probably have full on AF for the NYE party which will be a giant sausage fest. Great. Nothing like cramps o' plenty and Guitar Hero marathons. Sigh.

CD 29

Well, we'll see what is what soon. I can't believe it's CD 29 already. I think last month was a 28 day cycle. I am not peeing on a damn thing till New Years Eve. I am not even opening up a porthole to hope. She can wait on the porch. Crazy Hope- you go toy with someone else. I am not drinking the kool-aid this time.

Remind me of this in three days.

On the plus side I got on the scale (fearfully) this morning. I was pretty sure I had to have gained after Christmas and my day of laying on the couch eating. Eating what?

3 chocolate santas
1 marshmallow santa
2 cookies
2 home made granola bars
1 piece of string cheese
1 piece of toast with butter
2 pieces of toast with peanut butter and jam
oatmeal with banana and peanut butter
an enchilada
coffee

Way more candy than I would ever normally allow myself.

Naughty naughty. Hardly any fruit or vegetables.

Crabby

I am so sad today. Miserable and cranky. Surly. Possibly because Mr.Mostly is watching what might be the Worst T V ever. Two hours of the quest to reach absolute zero and then I Am Legend. For effs sake.

This must be PMS because I could smack someone and then cry. Or cry and then smack someone.

I am headed to Kohls later to return some of the shirts he got. That's gonna improve my mood.
On the other hand I have regained the tv and am now watching something pleasant. I really do not care for upsetting shows. I really avoid angry or unpleasant shows. Like that SVU stuff NO. Or any movie about yearning/crying/dying/fighting.

Life is sad enough already. I want something cheering or distracting- I almost exclusively watch the BBC/PBS or Discovery/A&E Channels. Sometimes WE tv. I might watch a Lifetime movie but only if it is dated and cheesy enough for me to laugh at.

Ho ho......not.

It was Returns Day at work. I only had one screaming lunatic. God Bless Her, when I told her no, and then my boss told her no- she went to my trainee and asked them. My trainee happens to be a man, so clearly he was the boss. Which made my day, it was so funny. She of course, had a fully functioning reproductive system. WTF Universe?

Y'all will not believe this, but Mr.Mostly and I had recreational time together today. I know, I was surprised too. Sex for the fun of it? I can't remember the last time that happened. Well, I guess if the Phillies can win the World Series, anything can happen.

AF started on November 30th last month so I am expecting her soon. I have not even thought about testing. I suppose if she has not showed up by the 31st I will test. But I am not obsessed with testing this month. For the first month in years. I guess just more evidence that I am resigned to it not happening. Usually I am counting down the days and test way too early and then test twice a day every day or two till AF arrives.

Weehoo Christmas is almost behind us!

Yow. Just like everyone over the age of 10, I am soo happy to be home in my nice, quiet house with Mr.Mostly and my cats.

We had a very nice Christmas. Except for Mom playing her tiny violin. But I don't want to think about that. We got a lovely blue comforter set with blue striped accent pillows. I got a digital food scale, a blue cashmere turtleneck, a new knife, a magazine subscription, Angel perfume, a hand made blanket from my stepmother covered in frolicking kitties. Yes, yes I AM one of "those" cat people. My sister gave me a bound book she made of our trip to the spa. It's great except for the two pictures in there that make me look a little too much like Fat Bastard from the Austin Powers movie.

Strangely, for the first time in my life I received ...no books. Which is like telling Homer Simpson "no beer".

Everyone loved their presents, or at least acted like they did. We were a little terrified in my Dad's driveway/ice rink. We almost slept over to avoid having to back out.

I did pretty good on my diet, considering what I might have eaten. I did eat brie, blue cheese and had a glass of wine. Showing my absolute belief that we did not get pregnant this month. I normally will not touch anything even remotely questionable.

I got some well intentioned but poorly informed advice to go see my ob/gyn to see if they could give me an ovulation kit. Which did not make me mad. It didn't even make me sad.

Now that I'm home, I'll get back to commenting tomorrow.

The nice thing about working in retail at Christmas

is that I am too damn busy to think about being infertile. Of course I am too busy to eat a full meal or pee.... but all in all a nice break. Nothing like frantic shoppers demanding every second of my attention. Wish I could get that all the time.

You know, this is the first gift giving time(birthdays, Christmas Fathers Day, etc)that I did not leave gifts to the very last second because I refused to believe I needed to buy them. It's the first time I truly did not delude myself into thinking everyone would be getting "World's Best Auntie/Grandpa/Uncle" shirts.

Every year for the past three years I have dreamed of pictures frames with ultrasounds and due dates. MnM's that say "Guess What" or "We're Pregnant". Teeny tiny bibs. Wee socks. It's the only gift I've wanted to give or receive for so very long.

I don't know what it says about me that I no longer have that dream. Is it good that I am being realistic? Is it sad that my brain has finally been beaten into something like acceptance? I don't know. But this year I made my list and bought everything on it. No waiting or hoping or thinking that maybe we would have the perfect gift that everyone wants and comes from no store.

Here's hoping for next Christmas, for all of us.

Finished my Christmas shopping. under budget!

Oooooh I was frustrated with Mr. Mostly. I wanted to spend the money I had saved with careful shopping on bigger presents for our parents. That is why I saved them till last. He wanted to save it. I think it's Christmas money. Money already earmarked for Christmas. I am peeved that he is not letting me use it. I am soo underbudget.

$400 for 16 people. $25 each but we can spend less in one area to go up in another.
MIL book $16 was 40% off
FIL EGC 40.
BIL dvd boxed set 35 was 25% off
SIL makeup was FREE w/Ulta black Friday purchase
BIL book $20, 40% off
BIL book $20 , 40% off
SIL slippers/pedicure set $14 , $ 10 off Ulta sale
BIl game- $15 40% off
Neice- $25 was 30% off
3 Nephews, toys $40 on sale at Kohls
Dad digital picture frame $45 on sale 40% off
Step Mom book $20, was 40% off
Sister- Ulta haul $20 at black Friday sale.
Mom $40 on sale, 60% off at Kohls large jewelry box.
Also everyone gets 4 kinds of fudge totaling one pound.

So we spent 344 dollars for 694(or thereabouts) of presents saving almost 350 dollars. Which I think is very good. Our biggest score was Ulta payng 36 total for $194 retail .Fifty six dollars under my initial budget. The candy came out of my grocery budget.

I am still mad at Mr. Mostly for not letting me use my entire budget, plus he also agreed I could use any extra hours in my paycheck. Which he moved into the downpayment account. He has lost his damn mind with this house.

He is picking up wrapping paper right now. We are making maple nut fudge tonight.

Slump

In five days Christmas will be behind me. I am beyond tired. Someone chew my portion controlled, low fat, high protein dinner and then tuck me in with my stuffed Eeyore.

So if this is the lamest post ever, it's because my brain = velveeta. I love my job but I will be super happy to kiss this crazy week goodbye. `

Nothing is going on in ovary land. Either I ovulated or I didn't. Either we got pregnant this month or we didn't. I am too pooped to care today.

I am sure I'll care in a week or two when I am testing everyday. The only thing that happened today is that I ignored another pregnant woman who needed help. I don't care. Someone else can wait on Fertile Fanny. And someone else did. Which is good because I was not in the mood.

Nutritionist

The nutritionist was quite pleased with me. Which I was very happy about. Because I have been following the diet very closely(what raspberry mocha latte?)95% of the time. But I have not ridden Orlando in a month. Mostly it was denial. I was so sure I got pregnant last month and I did not want to do anything that would get me too hot.

Which is totally irrational. Because this month is the 34th month. If I had gotten pregnant the first time we tried we would have a two year old. That is the kind of math that could make you crazy.

So the nutritionist said I am doing great and am losing a little over a pound a week. She said by March I will be at a great weight to have a baby. MARCH????? What about January and February dammit?

Do you ever feel like you are buying a baby?

I do. Our entire budget is designed around affording infertility and then having a nice family life. I mentioned to the receptionist at the RE's today that after January we will have to pay 20 bucks per office visit instead of ten. Which is still better than Aetna( they were awful )which was 30 dollars a visit. So then I said to her that our out of network thingy was going from 300 to 600 per person. Then I said not counting office co-pays or prescriptions( or three years of pre-natals or the majilliion sonograms from my miscarriage or the 2 years of obgyn visits before this and all that testing) we had spent about 700 dollars so far at the RE's. Also not counting the relaxation cds, the organic food and cleaners etc etc. We told her it was great, because the bills we were seeing put us at at least 15 grand in medical tests in the just last 3 months. Maybe there are more bills I've forgotten about? I would have kept better records if I had known how long this would take.

And I think,if we did not have these benefits or if we could not pay these fees- we would have almost no chance at a baby.

The receptionist who is usually very pleasant and chatty did not want to talk about that with me. Maybe they are supposed to pretend I am just a friendly visitor who they like to probe vaginally and take body fluids from? And that I just like to leave money behind when I leave?

It is not like they are getting us pregnant our of the goodness of their heart. It's a service we are buying from them. Which is so strange to me. So many people just get pregnant by accident or with no effort. But we are trying and trying (and trying) and paying and paying and paying and so is everyone else in the IF community.


I don't know that I have a point with all this. Just that I feel like we are buying something most people never have to think of as a commodity.

Do you ever think about this?

Romance, IF style.

Mr.Mostly would kill me but last night was so funny. I had a cold,and an upset stomach. Like I wasn't gonna throw up right away but maybe later? It's because work was so horribly terribly busy. A nightmare. TWO people called out sick. It screwed us all. Anyhow, I was exhausted and had a giant raspberry mocha latte(approx 1,259,830,000,000 calories and 5,678,933,929,292 grams of fat. And a chocolate bar. In the foolish hope I would wake up and stay up to have sex.

So after taking up the butt at work for hours I came home. All I wanted to do was sleep. It was about 1:30 in the morning. All I could think was I had what I thought was ovulation pain the day before and EWCM midday. What if we had missed it and my egg had already dissolved? What if we missed another month? I knew we HAD to do it.

It was hysterical. Mr.Mostly said we should have filmed it- which was even funnier because we were both delirious with exhaustion. All I wanted to do was sleep and the cats kept jumping on the bed. I asked if he was too tired,and he said no we really had to do it. Nothing says romance like " guess we have to do it".

I won't go into graphic detail, but basically we laughed all the way through it about how we both just wanted to go to sleep and were chatting about our day.

"How was dinner?"

"Ok- I loved the bacon."

"Work was awful."

"Yeah- Christmas sucks."

I think it is a good thing our marriage is so strong because if it was passion keeping us together we would be in BIG TROUBLE. Because the only thing we felt passionate about was the intense and burning need for sleep.

I just can't help praying we can avoid injections and drugs(well more drugs)with an infertility "Hail Mary Pass" getting pregnant weeks before the RE gives us our new plan. The tiny,forlorn hope that when we conceive we will be alone and not in a doctors office.

Insult to injury- I go to the nutritionist today. NO SCALE noooooooooooooooooooooo

EWCM

I found it I found it! Undeniable EWCM!

I am not in any kind of condition or mood for sex. My nose is clogged, my throat is scratchy. My head hurts. I am exhausted and smell like Vicks Vaporub. In a word SEXY.

I told Mr.Mostly that we ARE getting it on later. I have no idea how, but somehow. Maybe a latte at 11 p.m.

Here's hoping. Amanda, it looks like we are gonna ride the roller coaster together.

Book Orgy

I have a cold. However, it is just a tiny cold. Just enough for guilt-free lounging while I read my richness of books. I have my long awaited ARC(Advance Readers Copy) for Silent on the Moors. It's available in stores in March and is the third in a series of fantastic, splendidly well written mysteries. I am STOKED people. It's by Deanna Raybourn and her blog is on my sidebar. I am telling you that she is as fine a writer as exists today. I put her up there with my favorites like Alcott. Yes,yes she is that good. Detailed, well researched, absorbing, gripping, delicious. Delicious like a fine piece of chocolate or a rich glass of red wine.

The second I found on the shelf yesterday. I cannot believe it sneaked onto the shelf right underneath my nose. It's the Lilydale series, and oddly enough also the third in the series. Oh people I am not going to think even once about infertility for the next day. I am going to have a book orgy.

FOOD!

I'm home from my blood work and eating. I was dying to stop at Dunkin DoNuts for a coffee and an egg and cheese on a bagel and a doughnut and a muffin. Or WaWA for a ginormous sandwich and Doritos and a TastyKake.

Somehow I stopped myself. I am home eating half a low fat ham sandwich on whole wheat with low fat mayo and a glass of seltzer. But what I really want are Fritos and cheesy bean dip and then a brownie. Someday. Someday when we are done trying to get pregnant I am just going to have a carb orgy.

Nothing going on in ovary news. My body seems to be refusing to co-operate. WTF body? If I can't have Fritos then I had damn well better ovulate, because if I can't ovulate then I WANT SOME DAMN FRITOS.

Full of Bloggy Blogness today.

Maybe because the alternative is to clean my house. URG. I forgot that tomorrow is my repeat of the glucose challenge. I think I just have to do a two hour and not three hour test. That means blood draws aplenty and I need to drink about eight more glasses of water today. Sigh. And no food after 6:15. Wah.

Worst,is how much tomorrow will suck. I gave my boss my doctors appointments weeks ago. She did not schedule me right so now I have to get up at 6 be at the doctors by 8 and then work from 4 till midnight. Then get up at 8 to be at work by 10. Come on. I am pretty mad. If she had done her job right I would have been scheduled 11 to 7 or 12 to eight. Now I have to get up at the crack, drive 2 hours round trip and stay up for 19 hours. Not thrilled. I am willing to bet she screwed up my schedule for the rest of the week too.

What is the point of me being responsible and giving her weeks and weeks of notice if she drops the ball? Good grief.

What's in your stash?

I popped over to Bella and her Fella(right, I told you guys I can't link.) Her post made me wonder, what have you bought for the baby you don't have yet?

I admit years ago I saw a friends stash and thought she was a lunatic. Now I'm the lunatic, are you one too?

I have an Optimus Prime Mr Potato Head. Mr. Mostly loves the Transformers. He has so many, and posters and comic books blah blah. It was too perfect. Optimus lives in our closet next to.....

A limited edition Coach baby bag. It is pink. It was 500.00, which is outrageous. Here is what happened, a former friends sister was having a baby. They were arguing with me that the baby bag had to match the sex of the baby. Why? The baby isn't carrying it. Why can't you have the one you like? This was when we had been TTC for almost a year. We had not yet had our m/c. Mr. Mostly and I were shopping and I fell in love with that bag.

He brought it to the counter and I said " We can't get that what if we never have a baby?" Mr. Mostly kissed me and said we would, no matter if if was through birth or adoption and it that was the bag I liked then I would have it.

So he bought it, a crazy unnecessary purchase or the sweetest thing ever? I thought it was sweet,and it did make me feel very special and hopeful.

In another closet we have a boxed set of board books with real art in them called Mini Masters by Julie Merberg. They are my favorite shower gift. I think I have bought this four times now.

That is it, just the three things.

What have you bought?

CD 16 AGAIN

I lost a day somewhere, Today is CD 16,not yesterday. However no EWCM,so even though we did the deed at the supposedly right time according to last month I have .000001% hope.

Today is a bill paying errand running grocery store going day. Still no word on if the homeowner liked our offer. We'll see. We'd like that house but we can always find something else.(Hopefully with no next door lawn ornamentapalooza. Though I will admit to always wanting a gnome for my yard.

So nothing doing in ovary land. COME ON OVARIES PULL YOUR DAMN WEIGHT AROUND HERE! If I can regiment my diet (ohhhh Fritos I miss you so)and take a gabillion pills and get intimate with a camera on a stick you can make one measly egg.

Again you will find me in the bathroom checking my CM every hour.

CD 16

I don't think it is going to happen for us this month. Unlike last month when I had EWCM and I could feel my ovary doing it's thing(yaaaaay righty!)I have no pain,twinges/what have you or EWCM. Maybe something will happen in the next day or two but I am not putting money on it. Did I really think my problems were over after my magically perfect cycle? No/kinda. I thought maybe the metformin had at least fixed my O problem.

I guess we'll have to wait and see. If you need me,I'll be the lunatic checking my CM in the bathroom every hour.

Meh. Not jolly.

CD 15 take 2

We looked at two homes today. The second one was totally crazy and had the steepest steps I've ever climbed. I told Mr.Mostly I could never be pregnant in that house. No way. It was so steep that to climb down the stairs I had to lower myself and there were railings on each side. It was crazy.

The first house we looked at was one that looked awful online. Really awful.

The street is really narrow, which sucks for parking. The front has an ok yard that is shared with the people on either side of us. The neighbors all seem to take fairly good care of their home. The people on the right concern me a little, because they had a GIANT statue of St. Francis in the center and maybe 15 other lawn things and then a whole lot of toys. Which makes me think a whole lot of kids. It looks a little..schlumpy.
But the kitchen had solid wood cabinets, and there is a nice bedroom with a full and handicap accessible bathroom for Mom. There is a separate entrance there with a ramp to the street.

The negative is that the tiny backyard is completely FILLED with ramp. There is no yard. There is only ramp. AND our neighbor behind us is a car dealership. So the view is a highway view with a big old sign. Nice. Or not nice.

The basement is not finished but has high ceilings and a separate entrance. It is strangely set up, so that if we finish it, the room will have an odd shape.

The kitchen is small but well set up with old but good quality appliances. I think the cabinets are nice enough that we could just paint them white so they aren't so dark. Yuck- dark.

The dining room is ok,the living room is a nice size and there are three bedrooms upstairs. One is tiny tiny tiny and I covet it for my own room. A tiny girly room with a squishy chair. Or a nursery. Riiiiiiiiiight.

The bathroom upstairs needs a new door because it has an accordian door and there is no way I can go to the bathroom and preserve any personal modesty.

But it is in great condition, and needs very little done to it. So,we'll see if the seller is interested in our number.

CD 15 God Help MeY'all Know I Can't Link

All righty, I am not so good with the linky linky. However,I will do my best with the rest of Tag A Roo. The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you. 2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you.3. Tag 7 random people at the end, and include links to their blogs.

I can not make with the Linky Linky. I have tried and tried and given up. I am not spending any more time trying to figure it out.Soooo Wise Guy tsgged me from her blog Woman Anyone.

Fact 1. I love mayo so much that I have had four different kinds in the house at one time.

Fact 2. I hate parties. I actually hate crowds,crowds defined by me as being more than three people at one time or more than 5 family members. That is why I LOVE the internets. So anyone out there thinking everyone secretly loves a party and to be fussed over...no you are wrong and actually I kinda hate you afterward.

Fact 3. I love my cat so much that I don't sleep well without him. I can sleep just fine without Mr.Mostly though.

Fact 4. I have the black thumb of death and most plants die after a month with me.

Fact 5. I have a degree in culinary arts that I don't use.

Fact 7. This tag thing reminds me of chain letters, so I am not passing it on or doing another.

I still heart Wise Guy though.

CD 14

Well I am going to try and keep this post happy, even though my heart is heavy now for someone I have come to think of as a friend.

Mr. Mostly called me at work today and he got his bonus and it is almost twice as big as we hoped in our wildest hopes. And it is all going to our down payment. We thought for sure we were going to have to break our retirement bank open for the down payment. So that is splendid. We will have to pay taxes on it, but still it is exactly what we needed exactly when we needed it. I could only describe this chain of events as providential.

Of course, the houses we are going to look at are not as adorable as the house we looked at last week. Not even close- but none of them have the ceiling falling into the bathroom, either. They are serviceable and ugly. No offense to people who live in row homes, but I hate how flat they all look. And I hate concrete backyards. And I don't really enjoy being squished between neighbors. And I am really afraid of fire spreading in row homes.

However, I like mortgage payments that leave money left over for food and movies and fun, in neighborhoods we can walk in safely. So most likely a row home will be ours.

We are telling ourselves that a row home will feel just fine after living in an apartment. At least we won't have people under us or on top of us. And my Dad's townhouse never felt claustrophobic. Maybe if I put a hedge in the backyard it will feel different. I think all the pavement is upsetting me.

After all, we can always move again. (nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo)

I think I am leaning to the one with the amazing kitchen and the heinous backyard. As opposed to the pleasant backyard and heinous kitchen.

In ovary news, NOTHING. No EWCM to be found. Maybe tomorrow? I wish. Damn, I do wish.

You know the part of your mind that is still a five year old that believes in happy endings? My inner five year old keeps piping up that surely all these things happening perfectly mean that finally, truly, we will have a baby. A baby to eat applesauce in our new kitchen and play with toys in the sunny living room, to push in a stroller around the lovely lake near our new neighborhood. A cuddly, smiling baby coming at a perfect time to a nice family ready home in a safe neighborhood.

Man, I don't want to be the one to tell her the truth.

CD 13 less waiting.

Well, we are pre-approved for a very nice amount! We still have not heard about Mr.Mostly's bonus yet. Saturday we are going to look at more houses. I have to work forever today. Gross. 11 a.m. til 10 p.m. At least my paycheck will be pretty.

In ovary news, no EWCM yet. We are faithfully doing the deed though. I would really have much rather slept this morning. And that is why Mr.Mostly does not read my blog, cause he does not need to know that I phoned it in today. At least I have tonight off.

In other news everybody go to my sidebar and follow the link to Bird and Squirrel- wish her good luck and keep her in your prayers for a happy and healthy nine months! I am so so so excited for her!

In shopping news, Borders is having a kick ass sale, you need to bring the coupon and if you do dvds are buy one get one half off. Who cares? Well... if they are both on sale, you get the lower priced one half off and still get the sale price for the other. Which is unheard of. It works on boxed sets too. I bought Wall E for Mr.Mostly and the new Batman movie. Dark Knight was 19.99 (from 29.99) and Wall E was 14.99 (from 29.99) saving me 24 dollars and keeping each dvd well within by 25.00 per person limit. I think the sale runs through tomorrow?

Five hours later...

I have spent five hours today doing nothing but marking time. I waited for my phone to ring with Mr.Mostly's news of either mortgagy goodness(yay!also yikes!)or badness(gotta stay in this craphole 6 more months. When the phone did not ring I called him during lunch on the zero odds that we would have gotten NEWS and he might have forgotten to call me.

Then I waited for email. Something from the realtor? No. Something from Mortgage Guy? No. Something from Mr.Mostly instead of a phone call? Again, BFN. I did some cleaning but really just spent the majority of the day listening for the phone.

Not to use the "h"word, but hopefully tomorrow will be more fruitful.

CD 12

Another day of waiting. Wait wait wait. Eff waiting in the ear, I want action!

Currently we are waiting to see if Mr.Mostly gets his bonus. His company has had a huge bonus for employees every year for the past 40 years. We are not counting on it, but we could use it for quite a few things. We have not yet decided what we might use it for , but are considering either paying off my car early/other parts of our debt snowball, using it for a bigger down payment, or saving it for future home repairs. We might find out as soon as today.

We are waiting to see if we can get a mortgage for the house we looked at this past weekend. The house meant for babies and laughing and barbecues and snowmen and trick or treating. Of course, it is also a house that needs 20,000 dollars worth of work and so it all depends on the mortgage we can get. Infertility and Mom put a major dent in our down payment plans. We might find out that as soon as today, and that would help decide where a bonus would be spent.

We are waiting as always to ovulate. I don't temp, I don't think it is accurate for me since I work shift work so could not temp at the same time every day, I just watch for EWCM.

Failing ovulation and magically getting pregnant naturally(everyone join me in bitter laughter) we are waiting for our next major appointment which is the first week of January. Then our RE will lay it down for us and tell us if I have improved from my metformin and new diet. We will most likely hear more about IUI then also. I hope Mr.Mostly gets another semen analysis to see if the vitamins have had any affect at all.

Illicit snacks

You know you are on a strict diet when your idea of a naughty naughty gotta have it treat is organic toast with soy butter.

Forgive me nutritionist, I have sinned. And it was toasty buttery delicious. mmmmmm carbs. mmmmmmm.

CD 11

How can it possibly be CD 11 already? I am on the alert for signs of The Big O, but none yet. Come on ovaries! Lets get crackin! Ba dum dum- that was the worst egg joke ever.

I have no idea if I will ovulate or not, last month could have been some fluke. Not much going on today. My brake light turned off, so maybe it was the severe cold yesterday? Dunno, but Mr. Mostly can't check till tomorrow morning. I guess we are just waiting.

Jeez I am lame today. Well, I can't be an entertaining font of bitter infertility humor every day. This month is almost.... dare I think it? Relaxing. No Wand of Badness, no blood draws for a whole week, no running back and forth at the crack of dawn. I could get used to this.

CD 10 oink oink

SOMEONE had an entire pound of bacon and some scrambled eggs for dinner last night. Which led to SOMEONE laying on the bed saying "ohhh too much bacon" and then falling asleep breathing bacony breath at me. We'll try again tonight. I did ask SOMEONE if they possibly wished they had eaten less bacon, but SOMEONE had no regret. Fine. I called him my little piggy and oinked at him.

Sigh. Brad and Angelina we are not. However here I am at CD 10 and I am about to go on EWCM patrol.

As far as our budget, I am kicking butt at the grocery store. At Acme I spent 46 dollars and saved over 50. I have 100 dollars a week for groceries and am at 80 for this week. I'll probably use the whole thing though, because I think we will need more milk and coffee. Now that I only make a half pot our coffee goes much farther. I realized I was pouring ten dollars a week down the drain because we never drink the whole pot. I have tried to drink cheaper coffee, but it just makes me sad. Dunkin DoNuts is the only coffee I like. Except for Lacas(fantastic Jersey diner coffee for readers not lucky enough to know the awesomeness of diner coffee), but you have to order that online. Our gas budget is doing fantastic too, because we budgeted 200 dollars a month for gas and so far have only used 48. I think we might be able to cut our gas budget in half, maybe till April when prices are supposed to rise again.

In BAD budget news, my brake light came on last night. My brakes seem fine though. Maybe the wire is funky? I had that happen with a car before where everything was fine but the light would come on. We have our emergency fund to fix it. I looked in the manual and it just said the brake light coming on meant that the brakes were not working- but my brakes ARE working. WTF brakes? Are you just screwing with me because of Christmas? Scott is going to look under the hood tonight.

With the Christmas budget, things are going well. I picked up my mother in laws present yesterday, a copy of Wesley the Owl. She loves owls, and this book is charming. So she is done, unless I find something else like an ornament. In sad Christmas budget news, I have two people crossed off the list because they asked not to exchange this year. They can't afford it. We are still buying presents for their children though and making them candy. While that is sad, Mr.Mostly wants to put that money we allocated to them back into our debt snowball and I want to spread it out for more presents for other people.

We are going back to Borders tonight to buy some more presents. I treated myself to a non fat sugar free vanilla latte. Delicious, just like a toasted marshmallow, you would never know it was almost guilt free! I also got a new planner, because I just needed more room to track all my doctors appointments. I have eighty more dollars allocated to spend at Borders, 30 of that is going to be online. So we have fifty for tonight, Christmas cards and maybe two toys and a DVD is what we are going to pick up.

Sheesh it is 11 already!

CD 9

Happy Sunday. Or as I think of it "Day of Tedious Office Work I don't Have Enough Time To Complete So I'll Work Through Lunch AGAIN"

Yesterday was tiring but lots of fun. It was my sister's birthday. I should have slept over my sister's house, I was way too tired to drive home. That was a mistake, but I did not have any extra pills with me so I could not decide what was worse. Sleep over and screw up my pills or drive home on the edge of exhaustion. I made it, but probably it would have been smarter to stay over.

Nothing going on in ovary land. We looked at a house yesterday that is in a perfect family neighborhood. It has everything we could want, a lovely yard(there is a swing set left there from the last family)a perfect nursery sigh. We'll see.

CD 7 Party like it's 1997

I got my haircut. I was running late because I spent so much time doing laundry. So when I got to the salon I said I did not care who cut it, or how- just as long as they could get me done by 4:45 p.m. so I could get to work. I was done by 4:24 p.m. It is adorable, but it is also clearly a "Rachael". LOL, maybe my ovaries went back in time too. Hear that ovaries! You are now..... 23! OMG I will be pregnant in like two seconds! I should check and see if my butt magically returned to the '97 model.

CD 6

AF is practically gone. I have the house all pulled apart. I need to do a bunch of errands today, Including get my hair cut. It looks like someone took a wig and tossed it at my head like they were playing horseshoes and just left it like it fell.

Soooo, today in preparation for feeling pretty so we can get cracking on this months baby making I am cutting and coloring my hair. I am cleaning the house. I am grocery shopping. Not that grocery shopping and baby making go together, but that is still on my list today. I don't start work till 5 pm today and OMG I forgot I have to make more fudge. YIKES!

Also I would like to report that I have lost two or three pounds. This dumb diet is working! Only sixty more pounds to go. Yow. Usually I like to do weight announcements in 5 pound increments but, since I lost twenty and then gained back seven(WTF body?)and then got back to my twenty and now have shed one or two more, putting me at 22 or 23 pounds lost total, I am just writing it down so I feel like I am getting somewhere. I can't decide if it is two or three because the scale says something different when I lean different ways.

I suck.

I give up, I cannot make anything link. I suck. Anyway,I was trying fruitlessly to say I got it at To Baby and Beyond. And I absolutely CANNOT make this work.

http://tobabyandbeyond.blogspot.com/ Y'all are just gonna have to copy and paste.

CD 5

I am just trying to post this code. I'll fill in what I did tonight.

OK, I have no idea whose blog I was reading when I found this. I thought it was a nice idea. Who was it? I know it was a blog I really like but didn't put in my sidebar yet. HA! Found it! It's

Something I did on my own without a child that I am proud of was buy a condo. I worked my butt off and had my own homey house. I could never have worked the hours necessary to buy a home on my own if I had a child. Later, Mr.Mostly and I used the money from it's sale to buy all new furniture and pay cash for our wedding and pay off my student loan debt.

Something else I was able to do that I do not think I could have done with a child is take a month of my life to spend with my grandma when she had her first go round with cancer. I stayed with her and cleaned and cooked and in general just hung out. I think a child would have been so demanding of my time and emotional energy and I was able to just pick up and go. It was a time I will always treasure and my only regret is that I did not stay longer.

I would like to say that something I love about my life now, is that I can slop around in my pajamas and spend my whole day off reading. I frequently do just that. I know that is going to be the one thing I miss when we finally do have children. The luxury of spending the day on the couch with a book.

No uterus news today. We are gearing up for the big month You Know What.

OMG I am going crazy trying to get this link to work. Try #3.

Turkey soft tacos were not delicious.

I am not handling this protein thing well at all. I am handling some parts of the diet just fine. Like, breakfast- no problem. I eat one pack of organic instant oatmeal with a cup of milk and some kind of organic fruit and a spoonful of organic (blah blah I eat organic whenever I can afford it)peanut butter and one cup of coffee. I have a salad and two fruits with half a sandwich meeting the protein and calorie lunch requirement. I have my allowed pudding cup snack.

I am crapping out at dinner every damn day. I hate trying to figure out how I am going to trick/force myself to eat protein in the 3 oz/21 grams formula.

So far the only way I can trick myself is with chicken quesadillas. I can eat them without thining about it. I had one for lunch. For dinner I made ground turkey soft tacos. Mr. Mostly said they were delicious. I could not get past the texture. He ate two and then he finished mine. Meat is just gagtastic. Repugnant. Icky.

I am trying to force myself but there has to be another way. Mr. Mostly said the nutritionist has to find another way.

CD 4 part two

I just could not get the font to change. ARGH. Grog not work internets too good. Anyway, I suppose our whole worry is that we hit worst cast scenario and have to go IVF. The maddening thing is that you don't know what will work. So we might never make it past IUI. Or we could get pregnant naturally this month. (Excuse me while I ROFLMAO) If that happens great, but if not then the great big budget crisis is here and we will have to do the best we can like everyone else.


I wonder what it is like to have infertility and have money be no object? I do feel that in some ways IF is the great equalizer because we are all one in our desire for a baby. But in other ways it draws a drastic and blatant line between the haves and have nots.


What we are crossing our fingers about is Mr.Mostly's bonus. Which had the economy not fallen into the toilet, would have been huge for us. So we are waiting to see what it will be. If he gets what we are hoping for I might be able to begin including acupuncture.

CD 4

We have our monthly budget all set up Dave Ramsey style. Hooray! All our extra money is going toward two medical bills. It is not gonna be pretty squeezing out Christmas, but we can do it. My sister is up in arms. "How can you spend only 400.00 on Christmas?"

Sometimes I think I obsess about money. But I feel that it can never be too far from your thoughts when you are infertile. Because honestly, sometimes money is the difference between getting the baby you are dreaming of and well, not. It's the difference between levels of treatment, what doctor you see, and how often how many children you have.

This is an excerpt of the emails my sister and I were sending yesterday. We'll see how I do copy and pasting and editing out names and email addresses. I've never tried this before. It might not work.


> what are you giving mom for xmas? how are you going to stick to a 400 budget?
>


Well, we did well at Ulta, getting 196 dollars worth of stuff for 36
> dollars. Plus, we have 40%off day at EDIT coming. I have 100
> dollars to spend there. So that is really like having 140 dollars.
> Mr. Mostly thinks if we shop carefully we can get about 1,000 dollars
> worth of stuff for 400.
>
> It's no fun, but if we have to use injectible medications they can
> run about 400 bucks a month.(I think? It's hard to tell what is and is not covered by our insurance. I know it can cost 1,000s) So we have to save our money in case
> that happens.
>
> Any money we have left at the end of our budgeted month can also be
> spent. So since I have a 400 dollar a month grocery budget, if I
> spend 300 this month I could have that too. I have a 50 dollar a
> month co-pay budget so since I have three appointments this month
> and not one a week like last month, etc etc.
>
> I think it is hardest because I love shopping for you. But I
> know what everyone wants most of all is a baby, and our money is
> better spent saving for that.
>
> So I will shop carefully and hopefully we can have a jolly and cheap
> Christmas.
>
> I don't know what I will get for Mom. Since she is the most
> materialistic, I will probably buy her gift last when I know other
> people are done. Mr. Mostly's sister is done, edit is done, edit is
> done. We are getting his Mom a book.
> ----- Original Message ----


you guys can ride my train and put your names on things i have for
> mom. that's very cool about ulta. good savings! sticking to a budget
> is a good thing. i'm working on my budget while i'm at lunch. i've
> got a good deal of my shopping done. we'll always have a jolly
> christmas because we'll be together. i'm torn between the not
> spending too much and mom might not live to next christmas scenario.
> i promised myself i wouldnt' stop her from spending what she wanted
> this year but she's not making it easy for me. she wanted to buy EDIT
> boots that were almost three hundred dollars. i think i finally
> talked her out of it.
>
> i would only say don't buy something because just for the cheap factor.
>
> i love shopping for my edited the best!!!! we can pull our resources
> too for people too. i can't wait to go xmas shopping on wednesday-
> it'll be fabo!!!
>
> i'm still waiting to buy a carseat. you know what else you can do-
> MR. Mostly can upload family pictures to the shutterfly.com website and
> make things with photos. that's what i'm doing too. they are nice
> gifts, not over the top expensive, and people get kicks out of the
> pictures that i use. i made mom a note pad with a picture of daisy on it.
>


Now I can't get the darn font to look right, it still looks like e-mail type. How annoying. Maybe I can figure it out later. Anyhow, my sister who is darling in many respects likes to remind me how much she wants to buy a carseat for me to fill. sigh.

CD 3

Nothing much going on in ovaryland. Hopefully AF will only be here two more days and then we can go ahead with our Month Of Intimacy. I must be really old because our Month Of Sleep sounds better.

You know something happened on Thanksgiving that I cannot let go. We were at Mr.Mostly's aunts house and it was festival of babies, just like every party with that part of the family. I swear when they gather, there is a babies r us totally empty somewhere.

I always know it will be chock full o' babies. I try to prepare myself and Mr.Mostly knows if I can't take it we will leave early. It's not like they got together before I got there and said "I KNOW! Lets really make her miserable by bringing our kids to family parties!" I mean, I know that I am bringing this sadness with me.

Anyhow I was sitting next to Mr.Mostly when what could only have been the most pregnant woman in New Jersey came into the room. They had a two year old also, and she was telling everyone how she was dilated and almost ready to go. Then they all had a nice laugh about how she would have spoiled Thanksgiving by giving birth. Then she walked (I'm sorry she did not waddle, she had no weight gain I could see except for the "baby bump" and sat down on her husbands lap.

I was not saying anything. I was looking very closely at my fingernails and trying not to cry. Because then instead of being Celia That Can't Have A Baby I would be Celia That Cries At Parties. The same way some people are Ted That Can't Keep A Job, or Kim That Cheated On Her Husband.

Then she said to my husbands cousin "Isn't this the best thing in the world? Isn't it just like I always told you. The best thing in the world!"

So basically I was in some kind of infertile hell. I just kept thinking it would have to stop soon and couldn't someone talk about taxes or the recession or football? But no, it was all a giant baby love fest.

So I escaped that room after a polite interval and looked at the Black Friday ads. Then when it was time for us to go, the couple walked up to us. He introduced himself( I am telling you, Mr. Mostly's family is huge) and then his wife and then he introduced me to his wife's stomach/baby. You know maybe I am a jerk but all I could think was there is no way I was greeting a body part. Anyway it was awful. It was awful, right? It wasn't my imagination?

I do feel better now. It has been bothering me for days. I can still see her and I don't want to. I want to forget her and block out her cheerful "It's the BEST thing in the world!"

CD 2

CD 2 and nothing is going on in ovary land. However I did get kickass news at work yesterday. New Jersey has passed a law that effective this July family leave is paid for. Yee ha! I'll be getting more information sometime this week.

Since today is the first of December we start our Total Money Makeover today. We are so excited! The Money Makeover is a key component of baby making now that we don't know how long it will take or how much it will cost to get pregnant. Not to mention saving for adoption.