Sorting, cleaning, sorting, cleaning

We went through the closet and dressers and have two bags of holey socks and shirts to go in the trash. Now I am playing catch up on all the laundry that sat and festered while I had The Cold That Would Not Die. Mr. is sorting and shredding papers. Later we are going mattress shopping. Our plan is to get rid of our 9 year old mattress and then have them deliver the new mattress to our new address, freeing up room in the truck and saving us the gigantic hassle of lugging a mattress up the stairs.

We are not sure where we are going to buy it. We are going to some mattress stores and Ikea. Mr. is thinking we might decide and then call 1 800 Mattres- leave off the last "s" for savings! Which is funny, because I will admit to calling that number in my teens just to hear people say "Thank you for calling 1-800- Mattres, how can I help you" Because you know, that is hysterical when you are 17. Actually, I still think their jingle is funny showing that I am way too easily amused.

I am going through my books next. Sorry books, some of you are not making the cut. I'm thinking of YOU, Breaking Dawn- you sucked and do not deserve a place on my shelf with the good books- or even the meh books. Stephenie Meyer owes me 4 hours of life that I will never get back.

I have a lot of books that have to go in the trash. I can't donate them or sell them because they were promo copies I get for working in a bookstore. Publishers send you uncorrected proofs and the deal is, if you take one you agree never to sell it or otherwise put it in circulation. It's strictly to get booksellers interested in new authors.

I have to say, for all the stinkers I have brought home, I found one of the best books I have ever read that way. If you are a fan of Jane Austen or Charlotte Bronte- this is for you. It's beautifully written, well researched, detailed without being smothering and the plot is fantastic- it's called Silent in the Grave by Deanna Raybourn. There is a link to her blog in my sidebar. She is fantastic and I would consider her a readers writer. It's very hard as a bookseller to find a book that you can recommend without reservation but this is it.

I'm pondering creative spelling.

Brian
Gregory
Andrea
Mary
Thomas
Sean
Patrick
Madeline
Jason
Melissa
Aaron
Rachael
Sheila
Colleen
Samuel


*************************
Avalon
Cambria
Gracelyn
Rhianna
Wynter.
Briton
Easton
Hunt
Heatherly


Clearly, I like the top names. NORMAL names people. NORMAL. Sapphyre is not normal.
I have always hated weird names. I hated creative names even before I was vindicated by reading Freakonomics. I can understand someone who got pregnant when they were 14 naming their kid something like Keeiln Shyne but what about a mature(?) woman who has been TTC for years? We have all had waaaaay more time than most to consider names. Why pick one like that?

I know since part of my job is going over applications that I do not call people with really weird names- I'm not interviewing someone named Wynter Hunt. Because I do not want to walk around my store looking for "wynter".

Heatherly is not a name people, Heatherly is a housing development. HEATHER is a name. HEATHERLY is an adverb.

I like a name that is a name. Am I the freak? I do get kind of testy when I have PMS. This morning I had bread and butter pickles with my oatmeal.

Don't they think about their child growing up and needing a job? What if they want to be a DR? I am not going to a Dr. named Bricelyn.

Where did you draw the line?

There is a board I read with a pretty hot debate going about the octuplets. Hey, my spell check said that is not a word and wants to replace it with catapults. Anyhow, Mr. and I made our decision last year.

For me, deciding that kind of thing before I need to is important. For example with my condo, I knew if it doubled in value I would sell it- and it did and I did. With the house we just bought if it increases by 50,000 we will sell it.

When we realized we would need help to get pregnant, I was very afraid we would end up like those people on tv. Now, I have an advantage over a lot of women. I worked in daycare for years and know what I can handle. Hell, even the state says one adult can handle three babies. I am confident I could handle up to three at one time.

I was so relieved to find out they can monitor you so that this does not happen. Or at least is less likely to happen. I think it is outrageous to refuse to consider what could happen with the drugs we have access to. I want a baby, but I don't want to die to have one. I want a baby, but I am not willing to risk my mental and physical health(what shreds of mental health I have left) to have one.

Which makes me think about a whole other post about GOD'S WILL. Which I have been meaning to post on for a while.

CD 23 Chocolate chip cookie

I totally ate the biggest cookie ever today. I have no remorse. It was cold and gray and friggin gloomy. So I ate a large, warm, gooey chocolate chip cookie. I just about swooned it was so good. I'd like to go back in time and eat it again. Instant cookie replay.

Nothing is going on in ovary land. It's a good bet nothing is going on in uterus land too. On the bright side I am feeling better! Hooray! I am still coughing and hacking etc etc blah blah cold that won't die, the cockroach of colds. Still, I think I've finally turned the corner.

That can only mean one thing.



I have to climb back on that bitch Orlando.

Pimped page

Hey, I found these keen art photos to add to my site. I chose them because we have Miro and O'Keeffe posters in our bedroom. I love them. Now if only I could figure out how to post the two awards I got. I did not forget people, I just have to wait for Mr.Mostly to be free to do something with them. Oh internets... you confound me.

Martian Death Cold

I have had this cold and it's big brother Uranus's Death Cold( any excuse to say Uranus)since a few days after Christmas. I am ready for it to stop now please. Srsly, how long can a cold last? My house is falling down around my ears. My shower is grimy, my kitchen floor looks like I performed ritual sacrifice on it. Let us not discuss Mt.Laundry. Please...it would be easier to burn the clothes and buy new.

Yesterday I dragged my ass off the couch and vacuumed, so at least there are no tumbleweed like balls of cat hair rolling around. When you have multiple cats your house goes from clean to disaster in a day. It has just been all I have the energy to do to keep food in the house and make it to work. You should see the dining room table, it's like an architectural dig- Christmas debris on the bottom from when I first got sick and then the slow pile of whatever. Good God- you know last week I had this horrible thought. What if I fell and had to call an ambulance and they saw the house like that? No. I would somehow have to pull my broken body to the bottom of the stairs to save my pride.

What a freakin mess. I actually finished off a bottle of cough syrup. I have to get more today. I have not ridden Orlando in a week.

I am sick of sick. I want to do something without needing to rest afterward. I want to stop walking around in a cloud of mentholated vapors. I want to stop considering tissues a staple like milk and toilet paper. That's what Mr.Mostly brought home yesterday milk and tissues.

Plus, I am not Epically Sick. Being Epically Sick has some glamor. Oh Celia has bronchitis- she is home but will be better in a week. Or Celia has the stomach flu- she will be better in three days. People understand that. You slump around and pray to God that you don't die and then it's over. Plus with a stomach flu you can lose some weight:) This lingering hacking mucus is annoying. Oh Celia has a cold and it makes her groggy and she is covered in a film of Vicks- no pizazz whatever.

On the other hand I am off Friday and Saturday this week. That's nice, and I am making pizza for dinner tonight.

Rhythm method

I am telling you, we had the most absolutely perfect example of the rhythm method this month. We had our "marital embrace" on the 18th. I started having EWCM the next day. Then because of the Martian Death Flu from Planet Irony did not "embrace" till last night. I had creamy CM again today. I had quite a few days of EWCM during the week. So I re-read the relevant parts of Taking Control of Your Fertility again today trying to count forward to ovulation and see if any of his ground troops made it to O-Day.

Weirdly, and I this is just between us, World Wide Web- I think I might have released two eggs on a fruitless journey this month. Because I had EWCM and then I think the next day some twinge-y pain on the right. Then a day (two days? IDK) later went to creamy CM. But then I went back to EWCM and I had twinge-y pain on the left. And then back to creamy CM today.

Or I suppose my body could have been trying to ovulate and just gave up. Or I could be crazy. There is always The Crazy to fall back on. It is hard to say- I was a little delirious this week. I also read fever could delay ovulation. Who the heck knows.

We'll see what's what in about two weeks if you know who comes.

CD 20- yesterday was so much fun!

I just realized how seldom I ever say that. Anyhow, we had a nice cuddly morning- Mr.Mostly gave me the raised eyebrow but I was still too hacky/coughy/phlegmy. We stopped and picked up flowers for our friends Mom- orange tulips, very pretty.

We visited with her and gave her all the house scoop. Then, we went to lunch. I was sad- I think my tastebuds have changed. My Moes was soooo salty. I got two soft tacos no chips so sour cream and a diet soda. It was just not as delicious as I used to think. We have not been there in months-maybe a year. So I suppose I won't be going back.

We saw the Harry Potter preview- of course it looks kick ass. Then we saw Inkheart. I have to say it captured the book beautifully. Oooh I was scared. The book is lovely if you have not read it but quiet frightening in parts. The movie was actually just how I imagined it. Go. Go today. Thank me later. I did not think about TTC for the whole day! I know, I think that is a sign of the end of the world.

Then we went to Coldstone Creamery. I hate Coldstone. Ick. THAT IS NOT REAL ICECREAM PEOPLE. PLEASE TRY SOME REAL ICE CREAM. Ok? It's the Designer Imposters of icecream.

Anyway I was over ruled and we went. You know Mr.and I had a giant fight about Coldstone years ago. He told me he was taking me for a BIG treat. I informed him that Coldstone was clearly made with all kind of additives. Don't bullshit me, Coldstone. You don't make that ice cream. You get it in a plastic bag and dump it in a big churn and that's it. REAL ice cream is make from heavy cream, whole milk, sugar, egg yolks and a vanilla bean. Or hand chopped chocolate. Or toasted and chopped pistachios with a swirl of real pistachio paste.

Real ice cream does not contain corn syrup, guar gum and partially hydrogenated soybean oil. Don't make Baby Jesus weep.

Sorry, I just get so upset when people have never had real food and then crap like that is presented as the real thing. Coldstone is creamy because of artificial additives and corn syrup. Corn syrup is put in many ice creams and sorbets because it is cheaper, and keeps the ice cream scoopable as well as giving you a perception of creaminess.

Real food should not have ingredients you cannot pronounce or spell.

Now I'm riled up. Coldstone you damn ice cream defilers.

Then we all went back to our friends house and watched the Shamwow and Slap Chop commercials on you tube. Then I was overruled again (it was a total sausage party I was the only girl) and we watched Alien versus Predator. Which was hysterical.

CD something or other

Not like it matters.

I couldn't talk when I got up this morning. Mr.Mostly said I had now become the perfect wife and to get in the kitchen and make him some pie. Then I laughed and wheezed like a crazy woman. It was so funny. Actually, I am still laughing.

We are treating ourselves today. Our budget is looking good for the move and for all the repairs we want to do. Well not ALL, I still have to wait for Spring for my counters. Le Sigh.

Today we are going with a pile of Mr.'s friends to Moe's and then the movies. ***Anyone reading this who does NOT take metformin, skip to the next paragraph.***
I am kinda afraid to go to Moe's, what if extreme badness happens? What will happen when restaurant Mexican food meets Metformin? I am a wee bit...apprehensive. I have had very few Metformin side affects- but what I have had has been umm memorable.


We are either going to see Inkheart or Underworld. I read Inkheart a few years ago and it was fantastic. Actually I was so scared in the middle I had to put the book down. I was reading it at my friend's beach house and I was all alone with the rain and the wind. Spooky.

Mr.Mostly is knitting and I am planning our weekly menu while fooling around online. It's a rare day for us, we can be together and have fun. I am really looking forward to seeing the guys later.

CM changed

Now it's creamy-there is still a ton of it but it is not clear anymore. We are out for this month- I just felt too gross to do it. My ears are clogged and I am all plegmy and my glands are swollen. I have a doctors appointment at 11 today so he can check me out. This is my first drs. appointment in months not involving my vagina, hooray! No uterus talk!

I am kinda hoping I have something they can treat instead of just a cold. Alright, to be honest I am kinda hoping I have something that gets me a get out of work free card. Because I really just want to lay on the couch and baste myself with Vicks. Nothing says Do Me like the aroma of Vicks wafting up from your chest.

Do you think if we did it on Sunday night and I ovulated sometime this week there were some leftover sperm hanging around to chat up an egg? Interestingly enough there was a post about it on Soul Systers and they said sperm could live for up to five days. Grasping at straws? Who meeeeeee?

If I get a free pass from work today I am making chicken soup. I have all the ingredients and it can perk along all day.

I need some Google help

I Googled myself. Wow, vain right? Anyway I am confused. My name comes up as a responder on Bird and Squirrel. Hi Bird! Even though I post with my online fake name. Which is actually pretty close to my real name. So I am NOT happy about this. How do I make it stop? Is there an easy way besides Never Speaking To Bird Again. Clearly unacceptable- she is my IF homey.

My name came up in a few other places,how can I stop this? I'm not too keen on people snooping around online and then finding my blog. I have some snoopy people in my past.

In praise of my best friend

I thought I would talk about my best and dearest and oldest friend. She does not know about my blog. She has a lovely,darling, precious, adorable little boy. I wish I had a lovely, darling,precious, adorable little boy so they could play together.

I remember I did not go to her baby shower because I was pregnant. I did not tell her because I did not want to spoil her time. But I could never have made the drive without peeing my pants. That baby would have been about seven months younger than hers.

Going to the dedication for her baby was very hard for me. I did not want to hold him. I was too afraid I would cry and cry and not stop and be "that girl that cried at the dedication" stamping me forever as someone shameful and not in control of her feelings- or worse an attention whore.

The wonderful thing about my best friend is that she has never said anything stupid to me. Not one "you just need to relax" or "give it some time". In fact she gave me the best TTC advice I ever received, even though I have never been able to follow it.

She told me maybe two years ago now, that I could not live my life like I was going to get pregnant. Which is true. Often I have thought of that sentence and how different my life would be if I could take it to heart.

I never buy clothes, I desperately NEED clothes, but I only want to buy maternity clothes. So I buy as little as possible and am wearing the clothes I own to absolute rags. I tell myself in the store "maybe you will buy this and next month it won't fit because you will be pregnant". Or, I buy clothes that are too large so I can grow into them.

I don't drink. Now I know drinking is bad if you are TTC but honestly I could drink, smoke and live on chips and fried hot dogs for all the difference it has made. I MISS my Friday gin and tonic with three slices of lime.

I avoid toxins. I remember when we went to see Tenacious D the CLOUD of marijuana smoke. I have never done a drug(do Fritos count?)in my life. But there was no way to avoid all that secondhand mess. I make my dying mother smoke on the porch. I don't want to inhale the secondhand cigarette smoke. I did not go see Stone Temple Pilots this summer. I told Mr.Mostly it was because I could not get off work, but really I was afraid of the thick cloud of pot smoke I knew would be there.

I won't leave my job even though I do not have a lot of job security. I personally think I won't have a job within the next two years. But I don't care. I have been there long enough for FMLA, and my schedule is so flexible for doctors appointments. So I took everything personal home so that if I get let go suddenly I won't have that super awkward clean out your office moment.

Our house. We bought a much cheaper house in an unattractive place because I am so afraid that we will not have enough money for our medical bills. If I was not so scared maybe we would have bought a cute two bedroom somewhere.

Through these long three years, my best friend has been there. I don't talk to her every day, or even every week we are more once a month kinda people.

But we are there for each other. I love her. She is a great friend, smart and funny and does not get mad -even though I forget her birthday every year. It's in January- somewhere. I wish I could see her more, but I don't always know how I will act around other peoples children. This past year I really feel nothing when I see them- like I slammed that door shut. I think if I did hold a baby that was not mine now I would feel blank. Like intellectually knowing I was holding one but unwilling to connect.

We have been friends for over twenty years and I am so so thankful that I have not lost her in this black hole of infertility.

EWCM is mocking me.

It is positively cackling at me- smirking. I had a nice 100 degree fever last night. I told Mr.Mostly I still wanted to do it, but then I feel asleep. Dammit. I feel like crap today and still have a nice amount of EWCM. Maybe I ovulated yesterday? Today? I don't know. I am hoping we can try tonight after Mr. gets home. Assuming I can still hold my head up.

I don't know what to do about visiting Mom. I would like to not waste today and go see her. Otherwise I have to go Saturday and would really prefer to spend that time with Mr.

Plus, Mr. grounded me and said I had to couch surf today.

CD 15 EWCM

I went to the bathroom and did the obligatory peek at my CM. There was a whole lot of EWCM. I am sure there was a point in my past where finding a big old smear of mucus would have made me think "ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" instead of "hot damn!" I can't remember- that was in the olden days when we were trying NOT to conceive.

So even though I am exhausted and tonight is Mr.Mostly's league night(he bowls) I am gonna get prettied up and hit on my husband. People I am too tired to even cook dinner. I am thinking more about a nap. And- a perk for those who work with the public, I am getting another cold. I swear I was only healthy for a few days. You would think I spend my free time licking doorknobs and sitting on subway toilets.

I am going to visit my Mom tomorrow. I feel a little hesitant about it because of my sore throat. I cancelled my last visit to her because of a cold. Even though it's the truth I am afraid she will think I am hiding from her. Granted, I would love to hide from her because she is a giant nag and frequently the opposite of fun. But still, she is my Mom and I have not seen her for weeks.

Mr.Mostly is going to go over the home inspection tomorrow. Without me because I am damned if I am driving and two and a half hours round trip and then tacking on another half hour. Thanks, but no thanks.

S-E-X

Mr. Mostly and I had a talk about our intimate life yesterday. Because it is just not happening. Sex is such a chore now. Plus, I really haven't cared if we did it unless I had ovulation signs.

It is strange in that our emotional bond and our friendship has never been stronger. We are a united team with our financial goals- we enjoy each others company we love to talk to each other and be together. But infertility has just sucked the fun out of our sex life.

I have tried very hard to keep Mr.from feeling like a donor. But this has changed so much, what we eat, what we drink, we have a separate part of our budget for medical costs, the cabinet is FULL of pill bottles. It's like an umbrella covering our life in shade.

So we discussed it. I told him I have not felt pretty in a while(hello since the dr. told him my weight) and asked him what was wrong- did he not find me attractive? He said I was beautiful and while there are pretty women out there none of them have the sparkle I have. He said I am always different, and always beautiful. Then he said he felt like he was letting me down.

So I said if we don't have sex we won't have a baby, and he was the one that wanted to give us more time to TTC naturally.

We both agreed that our schedules are the main culprit. He is up by 6:30 and out the door by 8. Sometimes I don't get home till after midnight. There has been a lot of that lately. So that one of us is wide awake and the other is exhausted.

I told him sex should be fun, and enjoyable- for pleasure and not a chore. So we are going to work at making time for it instead of assuming we will get to it. We did last night and it was nice. So maybe tonight?

He did feel better when I told him MANY couples TTC have problems with their sex life. Ours has just run out of steam these last few months. So that we would maybe do it once or twice because we wanted to, and the rest was straight up baby making.

I know Mr.Mostly would be mortified if he realized I was talking about this. That is why I never use his real name, Mr. I Heart The Eagles.

Good Crap I am tired

We are worn out. We were out the door by 8:30 yesterday morning. The home inspection was unexpectedly exciting. Everything was going on along and then literally in front of our eyes, the house sprang a leak!

So our realtor called the sellers realtor and he dashed over. Then he stared in shock at the growing puddle on the floor. This is the fourth time we have seen the house and the first time we have seen any sign of a leak. So they are having a plumber look at it now. The inspector thinks that it is a leak from a pipe leading into the house not.

Fortunately, the leak it not our problem. So they have to fix that, and reseal around the skylight in the bathroom.

We also found out that the washer does not work. So, we are looking at washers. But I wanted a new washer and dryer anyway. Also, while the ac unit is working, it is pretty old. So we will likely have to replace that in the next year. Which will likely be 3-4 thousand dollars. But, if it dies this summer our warranty will cover it.

But that is not bad. A new washer, and a new ac unit. You can't expect a home to cost nothing.

We went and looked at no voc paint and picked out a gray for the downstairs, and a pale blue for our bedroom, and pink for Mom's room and a pale pale pink for my room, as well as a darker blue for Mr.Mostly's man room. We chose a cream for the trim and ceilings. The dining room will be gray too. I picked a nice Corian for the counters and sink. We won't be getting the counters till spring. I can deal with the hideous gold flecked formica till then.

CD 11

I have to leave soon for the nutritionist. I also still have to climb on Orlando. The stinker. It's still super cold here, but it is supposed to warm up by tomorrow. I am not looking forward to work today. My bosses boss is coming to the store and she is pregnant. I have to be nice to her, but I don't want to be. She isn't evil but I have never liked her. Too Stepford for my taste. Anyhow I am hoping I can hide from her, because Stepford or not she is pretty smart and I am not sure my acting is up to snuff.

Tomorrow is the home inspection. It is supposed to be hours and hours. At least that house is well insulated. But seriously, I am expecting it will be super boring. I do want to get the realtors opinion on some of the things I want to change. I think we should make the bathroom all white, since whomever buys the house could just change the shower curtain- etc for an update. We are also considering busting through the wall into the second bedroom to steal some space for the bathroom. Even six inches would make a big difference. *snicker*

The kitten just flung himself headfirst into my oatmeal. Naughty!

For the master bedroom- I was thinking about taking the whole wall and building a closet along it. So we would have three walls for furniture and a wall of closets.

In my tiny room, I want to build out around the window and wrap it in shelving for books with a window seat underneath. The room is long and narrow, so I think that would be good.

Then in the kitchen, we want to take out the half wall, put the vent in the floor, and strip the cabinets so we can re stain them maple. I like maple- they are really dark right now. Then we are thinking a white Corian countertop- although a co-worker suggested white marble tile. Then I want some kind of tile backsplash, in white or an iridescent color. Since it is a row house, the dark is our enemy and white is the only choice in my opinion for the kitchen.

Then, I want to rework the cabinets a little, and add a few more. There is some wasted space. We are going to keep the existing cabinets since they are very good quality and just need a facelift. But I am positive there is room for one more cabinet- I was thinking of a corner shelving unit with open shelves for cookbooks.

In the basement we are going to change the stairs so they aren't those Creepy Basement Stairs and finish the basement. Probably with Pergo.

We are going to do the wallpaper first, and refinish the upstairs floors. Then, I told Mr.Mostly I want to live in the house for a few months to be certain of the changes I want. The first year we are doing the kitchen. Next year, the bathroom. The year after, the basement. I have no real clue what it will cost, but I am guessing about ten grand per project. I'll have to get some estimates.

I have no clue when we are going to attack the back yard. Most likely whatever we come in under budget elsewhere we will put in the back. I know we are planting a tree ASAP.

So once we close, our budget won't be quite so tight, but we are going to have to see how fast we will be able to save for renovation. We are going in with maybe 7,000 for repairs and things. But we are going to have to prioritize so we use that money the best way. We don't want to put more than 30 into the house, that is for sure.

CD 10

The house is so damn cold, but I am not turning up the heat. I am just gonna stay right here under my nice, cuddly blanket. Because I love the low electric bills. Wheehoo it is cold! We are having the Mr.Mostly Special for dinner tonight, toasted cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. Friday will be burritos I don't know what to make Saturday. I suppose we could go out (what's that? we haven't gone out to eat in months)since we are both off. Or I could make pizza maybe. I did think about making pizza tonight, but I am trying to stick to my meal plan.

I have to do my grocery shopping tomorrow and Saturday. I haven't seen the sales yet. I did great on my grocery budget these last two weeks, I still have money left and plenty of groceries in the house. I just need to go get stuff for lunch. I love looking at the sale papers.

We got the cutest bill ever in the mail today from LabCorp, 4.84- yes the decimal is in the right spot. Four dollars and eighty four cents. Wow. I wish all the bills were that small.

In ovary news, well I have no signs of ovulation yet and it's a good thing, because Mr.Mostly has been falling asleep. Honestly, sleep...when he could be ravishing me every other day in the proper position. I cannot IMAGINE why he would not be all over that. I was happy he fell asleep, to be honest. I hate doing it on a schedule.

It's a lame day.

Well geez

The RE's office just called and they want to move my nutritionists appointment up AGAIN. SRSLY, I am not mainlining trans fat. On the other hand, at least I can get back on their scale and get my "official" weight down another pound or two. COME ON.

Really do they think I am flopped on the couch surrounded by crumpled Snickers wrappers and empty pork rind bags? Slurping down a milkshake? Eating Big Macs or buerre blanc? Mmmmm buerre blanc. Drooooooooool. Lemme talk about feta cream sauce. Holy God, you would touch yourself a little bit after pasta with calamata olives and peppers and feta cream sauce.

Or maybe some Panna Cotta? I make a Panna Cotta that you would leave your husband for.

You know when I was a pastry chef I would make special, tiny batches of ice cream in flavors like lemon and lavender and anise and then my boss and I would drink milkshakes after work. A lavender milkshake is delicious. Sometimes I miss just eating food without regard for fat or calories. Because low fat ice cream is a crime. If you eat it, don't tell me- I get too sad.


Anyway my freaking point is that I just had lunch and it was a glass of water, a slice of cantaloupe and half a pbnj with all natural peanut butter and no sugar added blueberry jam.

I AM BEING GOOD. And believe me, I could be in the kitchen right now making up the lightest scones ever, with real vanilla bean and lemon zest.

love,
a very frustrated cook

CD 9

I have the day off today. I really have to clean our bedroom. The laundry mound is so large I think it might tip over. Bleargh. I am not in the mood to sort socks. Of course, I am never in the mood to sort socks. I need to change the sheets too. And tidy the kitchen. Oh hell, the whole house needs a bit of attention.

However, I am going to watch Man VS Food and cuddle under my blanket. For at least a few hours. Then I'll be productive.

I'm trying to decide if I should make dinner or go for veggie lasagna part three. Mr.Mostly said he doesn't care. We might just do leftovers and sort the closet together.

Nothing much going on in ovary land today. Although I did want to slap this breeder bitch in the face yesterday. WHY do women who are clearly unfit to be mothers get children? I just cannot convey the tone of sheer contemptuousness this woman used with her daughter yesterday. I could not believe it. Just dismissive and rude and shockingly mean- and that was in public how much of a jerk is she in private? Not abusive, just unloving. Hoo boy, she better hope when she is old and sick that she doesn't reap what she is sowing. Earlier this week at work I had a woman tell me she was not going to spend the time on her daughter to check her books for content- and that I should do it for her. Nice. You can't be bothered to spend time on your child. That is why your kid is going to end up doing it in your bed when you aren't home, because you don't want to spend any time on her.



Am I oversensitive to poor parenting because I really want children? It does not seem normal to me. I know you can't be even tempered all the time, but still. There is "you are getting on my last nerve" and then there is being enough of a bitch that the clerk feels bad for your child.

At times like that I wish it was my store so I could throw people like that out. I work at a store that sells books but it is an independent one, not a big chain.

CD 8

Well here is is CD 8. Doodley doo. I have had my first ten minutes on Orlando. Now I am eating my damned from scratch oatmeal with diced apple and raisins. On the plus side I took my stepmothers advice and cooked a few days worth of oatmeal. It reheats just fine. You would never know. So I get three breakfasts but only had to wash one pot.

The RE's office called yesterday to set up my new nutritionists appointment. Since I am such a cholesterol ridden cow that I must be seen STAT. Because clearly I must be drinking heavy cream and bathing myself in mayo. Riiight. I wish.

Anyhow, I am going to keep another food diary and bring in labels and boxes so that if my levels don't meet with their satisfaction this time my ass is covered. I am exercising, I am eating right- if nothing changes clearly I am cursed and they need to bring in a witch cause medicine can't fix me.

I got my numbers from them yesterday because I was too angry to focus at the appointment last week. If I remember correctly by triglycerides are 83. and my total cholesterol is 214. I forget the hdl and ldl numbers, I'll post them later. I have lost another pound. So I am at 24 pounds total and ten since the RE told me to lose 13. It will be nice to get to 25, which I suppose will be next week.

I would have slapped a nun for a cupcake yesterday. I have been really pining for a cupcake- with buttercream icing. I have not been pining for chips or dip or salt- but I have been flat out fantasizing about the cupcakes they serve at Disney World.

Do any of you think it wold be worth it for me to try those Egg Beaters? Or should I just buy those Egglands Best eggs?

Fritos and Beer- NO BREEDERS ALLOWED

If you are In A Mood, this is the post for you. Go on to comments and post whatever mean thing is brewing in your head. I promise to agree with you AND feed you fatty, salty carbs.

CD 7

Well AF finished up and we are back to trying. I am going to color my hair tonight for the first time in months. I refused to color my hair for the longest time because I know the chemicals are bad for babies. However, I am going for it since we are babyless and likely to stay that way for months. I look like a hag. So tonight we are coloring my hair red. I don't go to the salon because my white hair is color resistant and I can spend 10 bucks or 200 and the color still washes off. So I color at home. I have tried everydamnthing and nothing will color my white. So when I get good and sick of looking at it I color it and the color washes off in a week or so. Maybe I'll go back to highlighting after we move.

Tonight I am popping the turkey-veggie lasagna in the oven and we will have that for two days. Maybe three? I can't be sure since Mr.Mostly has a big appetite.

Mr.Mostly told me Daddy did not say one word about our new house. Nice. Don't hold back, Dad.

On the other hand, everyone else is excited. So one out of twenty.

I added to my stash last night. Borders is having one of their bargain blowouts and I found some Beatrix Potter books I have been looking at for years. So I bought them, in the hopes we will be able to enlarge and project the image onto a nursery wall. I have seen a lot of damn nurseries and I have had PLENTY of time to think about what I would like.

My butt is killing me, stupid Orlando. But I am riding him, the big jerk.

CD 6

I have to get ready for work as soon as I post this. I have to leave by noon. Mr.Mostly is on his way to my parents in full Eagles regalia to watch the game. I think if his beloved Eagles won the Superbowl this year after the Phillies won the World Series he might just pee himself.

I myself am a sports hater. So I am glad he has someone who cares to go watch the game with. I actually request to work as many game days as possible. However, my inability to comprehend peoples personal investment in the actions of overpaid individuals playing A GAME is not the point.

AF is gone, so back on the horse..so to speak. Not that there is any point in it. I have been riding Orlando and am about to switch from ten grudging minutes a day to twenty grudging minutes a day. Because the ten minutes yesterday did not hurt.

I finished reading a book on low cholesterol, and I understand WHY I have to exercise. Which is helping. But I swear on a box of TastyKakes(note to outsiders-TastyKakes are a regional snack cake and they are fantastic and I love them and I have not had one in maybe a year)that if my numbers are not improved at my next test I am going to break something.

We got a planner to track all our moving dates. We are looking at Energy Star appliances because we will need a new fridge and dishwasher and I am getting my longed for deep freezer. I have lusted after a deep freezer for years and we will finally have room for one.

I cannot wait to make gallons of tomato sauce and muffins and stew and soup and casseroles and pie and have em all set up in the freezer. I have had this deep rooted belief that when we finally DO get pregnant I will be on bed rest and we will be stuck eating the four things Mr.Mostly knows how to cook. I like doing the cooking and don't mind that I do 95% of it, after all Mr.does all the paperwork and bill paying and taxes. I have only the vaguest idea what he does,it involves Excel spreadsheets and umm that's all I know.

I spend my budgeted amount and he shows me our budget breakdown every month and how we are doing on our debt snowball. Then we cheer.

What a rambling post.

We are moving.

They took our offer, no negotiating and we will be closing February 20th pending the home inspection. The home inspection is next Saturday. Yow. This is going to be phenomenal for our budget. Wow. Well I will admit since Mr.Mostly does not read this blog to having mixed feelings. I am committed to being 100% positive about this move. I was talking to Mr.Mostly about it and I think I am just scarred from owning the condo- I had a Peeping Tom-ish alcoholic for a downstairs neighbor. It has really made me deeply nervous about anyone we live near.

After I told my Dad and Step-Mom, I could really tell they were underwhelmed. Well, they will come around...or not.

I fully rocked at the grocery store. I spent sixty five dollars and saved thirty two with coupons and in store sales. I would be able to spend a lot less if I was not constrained by my strict diet. But it is worth the extra money to buy as much organic food in the cleanest and healthiest state possible. I would really like to increase our food budget by another fifty a week so I could go all organic but that will have to wait for now. And I have fifteen dollars left for the week. I cannot tell you the thrill I get saving money and still feeding us a very healthy diet.

I am planning on re-evaluating the grocery budget and my organic choices once we move. I think once we have a deep freezer I will be able to buy enough bulk that I will be able to go 75% organic. We hang at around 50% right now.

CD 5 a hang out day.

AF is almost gone. Some of Mr. Mostly's brothers came to visit last night. So I did the Flight of the Bumblebee to clean before they got there. I wiped down the bathroom and vacuumed. The house is nice and clean now. My brothers in law are so sweet, he really has lovely brothers. Mr.Mostly is watching Monk and knitting a hat right now. I am slobbing on the couch in my AF pajamas- pink eeyore pjs that are one size too big so no matter how bloated I am they feel comfy. They are just as flattering as you might imagine.

We made chicken sausage and peppers for dinner last night. It came out great. I am not sure what to make tonight. I have sixty dollars left in my budget. We have plenty of lunch and breakfast food. I just have to plan our dinners for the rest of the week. I will be cutting it close, but I love the challenge of staying on our budget. You know this was the second month in a row where our electric bill was eighty dollars! YAY!

For breakfast I made steel cut oats with a diced apple and raisins and some pumpkin pie spice. I cooked off a pound of bacon for Mr.Mostly and made him hazelnut coffee.

Don't know what to make for dinner. Maybe a veggie lasagna with ground turkey
so we have planned leftovers for tomorrow. I have to see. I am gonna go inventory the pantry and plan our meals.

Aha, my grocery money is actually eighty dollars. Yay! So we are going to have leftover poached chicken and rice one night. Toasted cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, turkey-veggie lasagna twice, and chicken and bean burritos. I have to go to Acme and Pathmark soon so I can get the sauce cooking. Tomorrow I work at night so I could make the sauce today and assemble the lasagna tomorrow so Mr.Mostly could put it in the oven- oh I forgot he is going to watch the game at my parents. It's just me tomorrow. Maybe I will bake off the lasagna the day after and have leftover chicken tomorrow. Hmmm. I want to see how much money I have left after I buy what we need because I might make a batch of stew too. Meat is 50% off at Pathmark this week. The cheaper deal is 4 for 20 at Acme, but they are less healthy choices like sausage.

Now I just have to beat the snow and get my errands done.

CD 4

Mr.Mostly and I are going to see each other tonight. We have been working opposite shifts all week . So our conversations have gone like this:
him calling me at work "Hi how's your day this is what happened to me I miss you bye."
me at work "Really that is cool, dinner is in the fridge I will see you later love you bye."

later... him"snoooooooore."
me "Hi I'm home...oh."
ass early in the morning him"ok I'm leaving for work"
me "snoooooore"
him "oh"

So I am looking forward to us both being awake and in the same room tonight. No clue what I am making for dinner. There is leftover chicken but that does not appeal. Maybe pizza? Or turkey sausage? Or turkey sausage and peppers? I bet he would like that. Turkey sausage and peppers it is. With provolone. On bread. I'm a rebel. Bread.

CD 3

I rode the bike for five minutes yesterday. My butt hurts. But I am going to try and force the ten today. I slept until 11 this morning. I still felt tired when I woke up, this cold is evil.

Nothing is going on in ovary land since AF is still here. I have a pretty strong feeling that I am not going to want to try this month. What is the point? It never works and I always ovulate at the worst time. Like, when we are working opposite shifts and we are forcing ourselves to do it through a haze of exhaustion. Not to mention I am going to keep hearing the RE saying my weight in a large sports announcery type voice.

I am just so sick of trying for something that never happens. In two months we will have been trying for three years.

CD 2

I have resigned myself. I rode the stupid bike for ten minutes yesterday. I'll get back on today before my shower. God help the RE if two months from now I am not the proud owner of a prescription. Because I will rip him a new one and stuff my bike right in the hole.

I took your advice and switched to oatmeal from the cannister and not a packet. Milk, oatmeal, pumpkin pie spice, raisins, a spoonful of peanut butter and a sprinkle of stevia. It is not delicious. It sounds delicious, but is not. PANCAKES are delicious, this tastes like meh. Therefore it must be better for me than what was in the packet.

I also decided to give up my morning coffee. Because I decided to give up the half and half I was putting in it and coffee without half and half is an abomination. Baby Jesus told me so. Mr.Mostly is giving it up with me. Maybe that will help.

I did buy a delicious new herbal tea, Tension Tamer by Celestial Seasonings. It's very nice. I had two cups yesterday.

Our Maine Coon kitten has a renewed obsession with playing fetch. He comes up and drops his toy at my feet. "Mommy play stick?" I throw the stick. "Mommy play more stick?" I throw the stick. "Mommy play more stick?" Who could say no? So we play stick again and again and he drops the stick at my feet each time.

Granted, I get tired of playing stick before he does, but he is so cute I play as long as he wants to.

I have no idea what kind of cold hearted bastard could have dropped this darling kitten off at a kill shelter. Thank God we have him now. He even plays hide and seek with Mr. Mostly.

We are putting in an offer on the house today. Both of us are freaked for different reasons. Mr.Mostly is scared because this is his first home and what if he lost his job,etc. I am scared because we are really taking a gamble with this house. I am afraid it will be impossible to resell and that I am going to hate our neighbors (again) and that I will never be able to park my car ever and will just have to circle the block for five years till we move again.

CD 1

I woke up with my period. Hooray? It was a 36 day cycle, which I think is right on the edge of a normal length. So now I have a chest cold, a runny nose, and my period and um frequent bathroom urges. So I am completely broken.

I have to get on the (I would like to use the f word, but I think one of the people that reads this doesn't like that word-so please feel free to remember I am from Jersey and sprinkle that word like salt on popcorn) bike today.

I suppose it could not get any worse than today. I am going to exercise and I am going to hate every single you-know-what second of it. But I was thinking about it. And not in a "heavens open up and Celia realizes exercise can be fun " kind of way. In a "these people have me over a barrel" kind of way. If I go somewhere else it will take at least three months to get an appointment and WHO KNOWS what tests I will have to repeat. Plus I am OLD. OLD OLD OLD. 34 years OLD. My eggs take GERITOL. My eggs get senior discounts at movies. My eggs remember President Reagan.

Two months of torture to get these people to **&^#@@! impregnate me is more efficient than telling them to shove it and going someplace else. But I am going to be a miserable umm $%##$ or maybe a bitter *)*!@!.

How am I supposed to have sex with Mr.Mostly knowing that he knows my actual for real weight? Honestly, I don't know. And I have evil cramps sent by the Irony Fairy.

A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad appointment.

On the plus side, I did make it outside before crying. I have lost nine pounds of the thirteen the RE instructed me to lose. (So twenty two pounds all together) I think that is a very fine number considering I did it from October 24 to January 5th. My birthday, my sisters birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. A giant party and I lost nine pounds.

We went into the office and the RE and nurse were there. He told me that my levels did not change one tiny bit. My triglycerides and cholesterol are still bad. My weight is still bad. I do not look like I have been following my diet. I HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING MY EFFING DIET. EVERY EFFING DAY. Not according to my labs.

Then I came clean about exercising. I admit it, I have not been exercising but I have been losing weight dammit. My house is a damn shrine to low fat dairy and whole wheat and organic produce. I take my damn pills.

I have to exercise everyday and get my diet under better control and see the nutritionist right away and lose more weight and go back in two months.

No, I am not crying right this second-much. A little. Some.

The RE and the nurse and Mr.Mostly were all very earnestly telling me I have to exercise. FINE.

Dammitall. Damm It All to Hell.

And the RE said my actual weight in numbers out loud to Mr.Mostly. Really? Really? Just because he sees me naked DOES NOT MEAN HE KNOWS THAT.

So all in all, not the visit I was expecting. No plan, no drugs, no baby. Just me being told to lose more weight.

I GET THAT I AM OVERWEIGHT. I GET IT. AND YET I SEE WOMEN MY SIZE PREGNANT. I AM PRETTY DAMN SICK OF THIS.

I was thisclose to telling them where to stick their diet and adopting. So close. Still considering it, such is my hatred of all exercise. Is it worth it to me anymore?

So we were headed outside and Mr.Mostly was repeating to me that he told me 56 times in a row to exercise when I started crying. And crying. And crying.

Most of me just wanted away from everyone right then.

Then Mr.Mostly realized that right then was probably not the best time to remind me of this.

I do hate have always hated and will always hate exercise. I don't insist to strangers that they will enjoy opera if only they would listen to it first thing in the morning every day for months and months and months.

People who tell me I just need to exercise all the time and I will grow to enjoy it make me want to slap them. Maybe they would grow to enjoy raw liver if they ate it everyday. Maybe they would become a fan of Full House if they watched it every day.

Anyhow, exercise aside I cannot freaking believe that all the damn work I have put into my diet does not mean anything. I am so angry. I am angry at myself for not exercising just to shut everyone up till they get me pregnant so I can STOP EXERCISING FOREVER. True. But I am also pretty damn angry that all the work I have done is for nothing. NOTHING.

Why? Why can I not just get pregnant? Other women my weight and way higher get pregnant. And Stay pregnant. AND I AM SICK OF WAITING.

Leaving soon.

I am scared and anxious. Ok fine. Semi hysterical and paranoid. I am most likely going to stay down there since I have work at 4. Maybe Mr.Mostly and I will go to Cracker Barrel. Nothing says emotional eating like pancakes.

Attention Attention, We can all stop TTC

According to The History Channel, the world is ending (again) in 2012. We might as well just enjoy the sex and extra discretionary income.

Almost Monday

No period yet. Not even a tiny bit of spotting. Although I did fantasize for a few minutes about Chinese take out. Traditionally a must have for me in the days leading up to my period.

While AF is not here, I am racking up a nice collection of BFNs. I tested every other day for the last six days.

What will happen tomorrow? Will my levels be better? I am thinner. I have been very compliant with my diet.

Will they FINALLY GIVE ME SOME DAMN DRUGS? I WANT DRUGS. I WANT A WHOLE LOTTA DRUGS. I WANT DRUGS,AND NEEDLES AND PSYCHICS AND A FREAKING STAR OVER MY HEAD WITH SOME DAMN DIVINE INTERVENTION.

Too much?

Waiting on some odds and ends

Mr.Mostly's parents were a lot happier with it than mine. Which was a relief. My father in law was a contractor and he said the house is very well maintained and aside from the oil heater needing replacement in a year or two it will need hardly anything. They both said they would not be happy there but that it was a good choice for us.

The more time I spend in it the better I like it. Of course there is no forgetting the view. Which could possibly be worse if it fronted a dump. So we are going to speak to the mortgage guy again.

But still when you are in it, you can't hear anything. In our apartment now I can hear everything. Everything. Cough Cough.

If the mortgage guy answers all our questions the way we hope, we are gonna offer ten under and they can take it or leave it. Next month it will have been on the market for a year.

If they don't accept our offer , we are gonna wait them out. They have had one other offer fall through in a year. In six more months our only remaining debt will be Mr. Mostly's car. Our down payment would be higher too and Mr.Mostly will have had a raise.

I just want to get the hell outta Dodge.

In ovary news. Nothing. No nothing. I am gonna test again tomorrow. Why not? I have one more test so might as well. Then we see the RE on Monday.

Help me decide where to move.

I just don't know internets. Everyone IRL is probably ready to punch me if I talk about home buying one more time.

Here is what is up. We are pre-approved and can afford a modest home. We had one we liked enough. My Father hated it. He hated it A LOT. His response was similar to what I would imagine the president of the Sarah Palin fan club might feel when meeting Hillary Clinton. (I make a choice on purpose not to be political on this blog because I feel that we are all united in our infertility. That way is the best way I can think of to convey the face Daddy made and how he acted.)

He acted like there was a crack ho on the corner selling watches from inside her jacket.

We need a home in our budget. We revised our budget down by almost 40,000 when the economy tanked because we were afraid to over extend ourselves. We want a home we can pay for with one income so when a baby actually gets here I can stay home.

We need a home with room for my Mother. I love my Mom, but she is-difficult. When YOUR therapist and HER social worker agree she is "challenging" and give you coping strategies- well what can you say? I gave up a looooong time ago on having a "Mother Daughter" relationship with her. I just have the best relationship I can, even if it is not the one I would want.

Anyway, it needs to have a bedroom and bathroom on the first floor and room upstairs or downstairs for Mr.Mostly to have some private space away from Mom.

It needs to be priced low enough so that when Mom dies, if her house in Florida still hasn't sold that we can afford both mortgages and taxes and insurance. I would love to think her home will sell in time for her to enjoy the money but I think it more likely a wood sprite will come dancing down the road holding a Dodo Bird.

It needs to be priced low enough that we can save for adoption and pay for out of pocket medical costs.

So basically, the cheapest house we can find.

We found a house that is close to Mr.Mostly's job. Is only ten minutes further from mine. Has four bedrooms and two baths. The bedroom downstairs has it's own full and handicapped accessible bath. There is a ramp for Mom. There is a basement for Mr.Mostly and we could have the entire upstairs as a Mom-free zone.

We could pay for it with just Mr. Mostly's salary and have it paid off in a maximum of 7 years.

It is in great condition. It is in a safe neighborhood. The taxes are low.
It only needs cosmetics. Even the roof is new. Neighborhood Watchdog approves. I have read the local paper and all the crime seems to be less major like stealing from sheds as opposed to assault or rape or muggings.

However, it is not a pretty neighborhood. It is in fact ugly. Very ugly. And is right on a major highway and our backyard neighbor is a used car lot- so that the view from the windows is ummm urban.

While the neighborhood is safe, it borders a not as nice neighborhood. However, it seems to be one of those neighborhood "lines" where the family neighborhood stays the same and the bad neighbors stay over in there not nice place. Neighborhood Watchdog agrees.

There is no yard. The backyard is totally filled with ramp. The front yard could be mowed with a Bic Razor. There is no off street parking. The neighbors all have yards FILLED with every lawn ornament sold in the USA.

But Mr.Mostly and I keep coming back to it. We looked at two other homes in nicer looking areas and Neighborhood Watchdog Does Not Approve. My favorite house(if you will recall we looked at it last month) has a very bad guy one street over. No thanks. I am not going to all this trouble to have a child to end up living next to a pedophile.No effing way.

While there are a ton of homes on the market, finding one in the area we need with a space for Mr.Mostly that is also good for Mom within our budget makes it a lot more difficult.

Daddy's concerns are that there is not enough room- true the rooms are small but a three floor row home after a two bedroom apartment seems huge to us.

That we will never be able to sell it again. Maybe? If we pay it off according to our time line we will save 93,000 dollars in interest, so we could afford to sell it for less if we wanted to unload it.

That the neighbors are awful. Well, I think it looks ugly, but according to my research the Beaver Cleaver neighborhood is chock full o' child molesters. And the Rosanne neighborhood is full of assault and a few other things.

Now we could wait here six more months. In a place we hate. What if something else happens and it gets even harder to get a mortgage? What if I get pregnant with multiples and end up on bed rest? It could happen. How would we move? How would we pack? We would be stuck here for a year. Eww.

Of course, what if there was a miracle and Mom's house sold and we could have bought a house with a whole separate apartment for Mom?

Come on, opinions? If it works,below is a link to a house similar to what we are looking at. If it doesn't work, well you guys know I can't ever link right.

2 days off

Oh I am so happy. Two whole days. Sadly there will be not be as much sloth as I want. I have to CLEAN. The house has not had a proper clean since the first week of Christmas. I have learned from retail Christmases past that keeping clean clothes on our backs and food in the house and minimal cleaning elsewhere is reality. I clean the kitchen so I can cook and wipe the bathroom but that is it. So there is a fair build up of corner crud and dust and debris.

Plus we have to take my car to the shop on Saturday. I could go Friday but I have learned from past experiences that it is best to have Mr. Mostly with me since he speaks car.

In ovary news, my period is not here. I am gonna test again tomorrow. Why not? The box was a three pack. My period started 32 days ago so tomorrow is CD 33. I still feel zero hope. Four days till our next RE appointment. When we get our action plan. THAT'S RIGHT DAMMIT WE ARE GONNA SEE SOME ACTION! Can you tell I am really ready to end this bs of waiting for the stork to land on our doorstep?