Win/Lose

Mr. Naughtypants did not jump directly on my bladder MEOWING until 8, so that was awesome.

However, Thunder had an incident. A CODE BROWN, if you will. So, instead of a nice, leisurely, Sunday breakfast for me and Mister ...it was bath time for Mr. Brown. Poor Thunder. Poor us. We had to wash and blow dry Thunder, hunt the random poop he tracked through the house, clean it, and then I had to scrub the shower. Really, if you bathe a cat you should be done for the day.

Sadly no. It is INVENTORY today. DUM DUM DUM.

Cute and furry and WAKES ME UP AT 6:45 am

Oh Mr. Naughtypants PLEASE stop. Mommy did not get home till midnight and went to sleep around 1 a.m. Being woken not even five hours later is BAD. No. Stop.

If he can understand the concept of 6:45 am BECAUSE THAT IS WHEN DADDY GETS UP FOR WORK, why can he not understand that MOMMY WORKS SHIFT WORK? Have mercy. Ungh. Mleargh. whimper.


I am making my grocery list and contemplating another potential diet change. I have been hearing off and on about a company called Monsanto.(From what I can tell just typing that should make thunder crack and lightening strike.) Apparently- they are um well NQOTD.

In fact what I have read about them makes me actually afraid to write about them. Because they are freaking Orwellian.

I had already decided to go with heirloom seeds for our garden and keep it as organic as possible. I have also been reading more about Monsanto and will continue in my research. I will get back to you when I know more.

However, I will let you know the book I am reading when I get home from work. I have to write the title down. I think I'm gonna buy it. I had heard some very disturbing snippets about Monsanto here and there but now that I am researching them, I am pretty freaked out. Like, scared to buy food freaked out.

CD 31

Nothing is really happening, I am no longer a fugitive- since I paid my parking ticket. I had forgotten all about it after I put it on the fridge and it was over a month late. I had visions of every popo in Pennsylvania descending upon me once I found it. But that's all taken care of so you needn't look for my picture on America's Most Wanted.

I told my boss that I start medications this month- she looked a little panicked. Because June is a very busy month for work. But I don't think it usually works the first month- isn't that when they monkey around with your dosage to see how you respond? And even with drugs and IUI doesn't that just put us at a 20% chance like normal people? And really, I don't give a damn about how it will affect work.

Nothing else really, just waiting for the Red Tide.

I have to say, one of the things I am looking forward to more than anything else is just working one day a week. I love selling books but I have had it UP TO HERE with customers. We decided to tweak our debt snowball and in July when we will have the extra five hundred a month we will be putting 250 in savings and using 250 for more of our snowball. Just to have the extra cash cushion in case we get lucky and have a baby. Our snowball is really rolling along. By midsummer all we will have left are Mister's car and the house. A year from now (barring something extreme) all we will have left is the house. Six years from then we will be done with the house.

I cannot imagine, it will be great. Mister thinks there is a chance we will move before the house is paid off, but I think we will finish.

The real wildcard is Mom's house in Florida. If Mom lives and the house does not sell- she keeps paying the mortgage. If she dies and the house has not sold, we will have to dedicate about five hundred a month for half the mortgage and the condo fees and insurance and stuff. Mom's mortgage is really low, but her condo fees are 1,000 a quarter. I HATE FLORIDA. I HATE THE HEAT. I HATE BUGS. I HATE LIZARDS. I DON'T CARE FOR THE BEACH. We are NOT keeping that thing.

If the house sells and Mom is alive one of us will probably sell our homes and buy something that has an apartment attached for Mom. That was what our plan was, but then you know- Florida exploded.

I have been trying to explain to my sister that a house is only worth what someone is willing to pay for it, and it does not matter what Mom's house was worth before, only what it is worth now. She has some kind of mental block about it. We can afford our half now, but I squeezed the truth out of my sister and she can't. The longer Mom lives the easier it will be for us to take over the mortgage, but we hate to do it. It's a real bummer because Mom put 70 grand down and only owes about 20. So really it would be like taking on a car payment.

I have lost a certain amount of sleep over it, but it is not in my top ten worries. It's been hanging over our heads for two years now and we can't do much about it-except curse fate.

I wish my sister would let us set her up on the Dave Ramsey plan. She makes very good money but she has a very American attitude toward debt. She pays her bills on time and all but why use credit cards at all? We have not used one in a year at least and are a few short months from cutting them up. I can't wait.

I think the dumbest thing my family ever did was refuse the cash offer on Mom's house last year. Sure, they offered us 30 grand under the price BUT, Mom would have gotten her original 70 back, PLUS her monthly income would go up by 1,000 dollars. Which she could have been enjoying all this time. So stupid. Instead the house is just hanging in limbo along with the kabillion other houses in Florida.

I do feel the market in Florida will eventually improve. Maybe in the next three to five years. I wish it would be sooner.

That 8 thingy.

Eight things I am looking forward to:

1. DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. My snack. You people know I eat all the time.

3. Being called “mommy”

4. Growing old with my husband. I think he will be the cutest old man ever. He will totally rock one of those old man caps.

5. Using my Avon coconut salt foot scrub, it smells JUST LIKE SUMMER.

6. Finishing painting!

7. August! We will have two less debts and it will add 500 bucks a month to our budget!

8.Mom's house in Florida finally selling. Someday? Right? Someday?

Eight things I did yesterday:

1. Made pizza

2. Mailed bills

3.Fought with moronic Mitzsubishi about my car title. Told them I'd never buy one of their cars again.

4. Cursed California.

5. Cried for Amanda and Muffy.

6.Shaved my legs.

7.Found leftover champagne in the fridge and had a mimosa.

8. Played with my cats.

Eight things I wish I could do:

1. Get pregnant from sex.

2. Eat as many potatoes as I want.

3. Know sign language.

4. Win a big enough lottery to buy a vacation house in New York but not so big that it wrecks our life.

5. Stop waxing. Stupid PCOS.

6. Lay off three of my co-workers without guilt.

7. Donate more to charities

8. Finish the backyard before next year.

Eight shows I watch:

1. How Clean Is Your House( BBC)

2.Hotel Inspector (BBC)

3. Antiques Roadshow (BBC AND American)

4. Mike and Mike in the Morning. NOT BY CHOICE.

5. BASEBALL/FOOTBALL/POOL/BOWLING/TENNIS AGAIN, NOT BY CHOICE

6. WASTED

7. Man VS Food- sick but I can't help myself.

8. No Reservations- sometimes. Anthony Bourdain can irritate me on a professional level. But I REALLY hate that pompous toad on Bizarre Foods-he is an ASS.

Eight favorite fruits:

1. Raspberries

2. Blackberries

3. Blueberries

4. Grapes

5. Nectarines

6. Apples

7. cantaloupe

8. watermelon

*People who like starfruit annoy me. It tastes like a big watery grape.*

Eight places I’d like to travel:

1. I would like to go to Ireland, and we will if we don't get pregnant this year.

2. I would like to go back to Colorado.

3. NORWAY- and I would not want to come home.

4. I would really like to take one of my Sister Wendy books and travel to see all the art she talks about.

5. The Museo de Arte de Ponce in Puerto Rico to see Flaming June

6. National Gallery in London to see Saint Catherine of Alexandria

7. Walker Art Gallery in Liverpool- to see Christ Discovered in the Temple- CHRIST looks so petulant and Mary is all "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN" Because I do think about Mary and wonder what it could have been like to raise Jesus. Also, a lot of Bible Thumpers are big on squishing people into boxes- very black and white. I love that Jesus looks like he is being a total pill. Jesus might be the son of God, but he was also human just like us.

8. This last is a total tossup. I would love to see both the Countess Golovine at The Barber Institute of Fine Arts or The National Gallery to see Fragonard's A Young Girl Reading. I suppose that if I had a hobby besides getting pregnant, it would be looking at art.

Eight places I’ve lived:

Lakewood, New Jersey

Hillsborough, New Jersey

Pleasantville, New Jersey (A LIE VERY UNPLEASANT.)

Galloway, New Jersey

Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey

Deptford, New Jersey

Burlington, New Jersey( no contest-the worst place we have ever lived)

Bristol, PA. I am very hopeful we are done moving for the next seven years.



People I’ve tagged:

No-one, if you would like to complete just copy and paste from here!

California SUCKS

LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL YOU JACKASSES, NOT SOME. I am so sad and ashamed that this is happening.

CD 28, AF watch begins

I just know deep down in my heart that AF will be a total bitch this month and make me wait forever. Just to get that last bit of torture in before I get my hands on some sweet sweet drugs.

I think what I am looking forward to most of all is not having sex be a chore. The chore will be taken care of by Dr. Turtle and we can try and remember what it is like to have sex for fun.

I feel a sense of excitement that I have not had for years- because it could really work this time. Really for real. I also feel a sense of urgency to finish the house and get everything sorted.

We are having pizza for dinner tonight, and I am baking off a bunch of meatloaf for tomorrow night.

Fiber One Pop Tarts

I am in love. They are way better than the high fiber Pop Tarts. You need them, that is all. I NEED THEM. Thank goodness I bought two boxes. I have not tried strawberry yet, just blueberry. *They have corn syrup*

Speaking of eating( and when am I NOT?)yesterday I was having my organic "cheerios" with organic milk and organic blueberries. I was about to slice some organic strawberries, and dammed if there was not a tiny ANT crawling on my berries.

Dear Nameless Ant,

Little Dude(dudette?), I am thrilled that you are eating organic- I fully agree that strawberries coated in pesticides are gross. However, call me crazy but I also believe that strawberries WITH ANTS are gross. And while I applaud your skillz at both eating something that costs 3.49 per pound for free and surviving in my refrigerator- I had to squish you.

love,

The Terminator

One of my legacies of working in a kitchen is that I suspiciously inspect all fruit for stowaways. In the past I have found bees, spiders, and grasshoppers. ALL ALIVE. How they make it into the package, then through shipping, then a warehouse, then to a fridge is a freaking mystery. But that mystery has but one solution. THE FINAL SOLUTION. Except for the bee- I let that go- bees are important. Plus, if you kill them the bee mafia comes after you and stings your eyes.

I spent yesterday in an ORGY of chick flicks. BAD chick flicks. Like What a Girl Wants and The Prince and Me. Which I watched at The Same Time like a TOTAL GUY flipping from one baseball game to another. I also watched 27 Dresses. I am telling you, James Marsden is so freaking hot. YUM. SIGH. YUM. Plus, I think he is a great actor. It is really hard to play dumb and he does a great job. Anyway, mmmmmm. Sorry, I lost my train of thought for a moment. 27 Dresses was very enjoyable. Nope, losing my train of thought again.

Today I am making the folks stuffed mushrooms( and checking out brie if it isn't too bad I will make a baked brie with apricot jam)and pigs in a blanket for my true love. Then we will have champagne and salted nuts.

We are going to The Victory Brewpub for dinner. Where I will have a glass of beer. That's right I will. Well, I have to get cracking. Mister is making me look bad by bustling around the house.

Surprise company!

Last night I worked late and when I do that I typically stay downstairs for an hour so I don't wake Mister, since he has normal people hours. So imagine my surprise when the door opened about 1 am and Mister and six of his friends walked in. I totally forgot they were hanging out last night. I was exhausted and barely coherent after a day of Breeders letting their spawn run rampant though my store.

So one slept over and I am headed downstairs to make us a nice breakfast. AND CLEAN MY BRAINS OUT CAUSE DAD AND MY STEPMOM ARE COMING TOMORROW. Yow. Their house is in a constant state of immaculateness. Ours...not so much. So I have a fair bit(A GIANT AMOUNT)of cleaning to do today. Plus all they ever eat is super fancy food. We are either taking them to dinner or I am making some sloppy ribs. Which will be a nice change for them from Fancyland.

I am trying to decide if I should run to the stores for some syrup and make pancakes and bacon or if I should just make scones since I was planning on making them for work this week anyway.

Stupid dinner

I am damned if I can think what all to cook this week. Usually I have a few ideas and get inspired by the circular. Not this time. We are taking my parents out on Sunday, and I am off Saturday. Mister may go to a party that day. Not me. I just can't face the hours in the car to get to Maryland.

Anyhow, I am headed to Giant with my dollar coupon doublers. I am not totally sure what to get. I need paper towels, garbage bags, cat food, milk, and organic sugar. I committed to only buying earth friendly paper products so I will likely get Marcal. I was EXTREMELY impressed with Marcals fancy dinner napkins made from recycled material. I have been true to Vanity Fair napkins for over a decade and made the switch about a month ago. I like a nice napkin, not so much that I would martyr myself and use cloth but I like a good quality paper one.

This week we are having bean burritos, pizza, pierogies (so not healthy but we have not had them in a year), and meat loaf. I need two more meals and I just cannot think what to make. I might just leave it till later in the week and sort it out then. Maybe ravioli for the win? Or ham steak? I don't know. Sometimes cooking for Mister is a giant pain in the ass. He thinks he eats everything but NO. For example- for years and years he insisted he hated sandwiches. Which cut out BLT's, club sandwiches and one of my families favorites in hot weather- cold cuts for dinner, meat loaf sandwiches, etc. He also hates condiments- mustard, mayo, ketchup- he hates cold pasta so no pasta salads. He hates tomatoes unless they are in tomato sauce, soup, or salsa. TO BE FROM JERSEY AND HATE FRESH TOMATOES IS JUST WRONG.

He also won't eat beets, mushrooms( unless I hide em lol), corn on the cob,salad, cauliflower, applesauce, the list is long. And whenever I forget a FORBIDDEN FOOD OF EXTREME GROSSNESS, like say beets I get this look like DON'T I LOVE HIM??? Who doesn't eat salad? Sometimes we will be out and he will eat A FORBIDDEN FOOD and I get excited thinking the whole wide world of side dishes is opening up. But usually no. HE HATES CAKE. WHO HATES CAKE?


He finally started eating cold cuts and pbnj( for six years he would not eat pbnj)


Ugh. I have no idea why when I think of what I want to cook, my mind is drawn irresistibly to THE FORBIDDEN FOODS, but could anything be easier than a pasta salad in the summer?

Putting the cart before the horse

Yep, that would be me. The idea that I could actually be pregnant some time in June is intoxicating but also makes me think about all the things that might happen.

Here are my big fears.

Giant fear #1- I admit the thing I fear most is being forced to have a baby shower. Those of you who know me in real life know how I am. I DON'T WANT ONE. FOR REAL. I hate being the center of attention and have never enjoyed parties for myself. I don't care about getting free stuff. I have been plotting my butt off to put a chunk of money hidden away so that if we do get pregnant I can buy everything myself. I hate the idea, I hate the premise. Just NO. I would not mind a baptism but the idea of a shower makes me feel the same panicked horror that I felt about our wedding. And the idea of a surprise? Whose fucked up idea is that? I HATE SURPRISES. I would call a cab and leave. I am not kidding.

Giant fear #2- Multiples. I check the odds on us delivering multiples fanatically. I wish I could pin someone down and force them to give me customized odds. Like " Celia, we have studied you, your husband, your medicatons, your ovaries, and your family history and your chances are X". I know the odds are slim for more than two but I am still concerned. As much as it pains us to have to consider we know if it is more than three we will reduce- but hopefully if won't get that far and if there were too many follicles we would cancel that month.

Giant fear #3- Birth. GROOVY EARTH MOTHERS READING THIS, STOP RIGHT HERE
I hate bodily fluids. I cannot possibly imagine a baby covered in goo, wipe the baby off first. WIPE IT. Go ahead, hate me. I don't care. Use a squeegee or something, but if you put a goo covered baby anywhere near me I will throw up. I throw up nearly every month from my period goo, I know my stomach. I can handle poop, but bloody mucus is NOT HAPPENING. DOWN WITH GOO. I have spent time trying to figure out how to avoid a gooey baby.

Giant fear #4 bed rest. I joke about Mister and how he does not cook or do housework but that is the truth. I cook and clean and he does not. He has no idea HOW to clean and a very limited understanding of how food gets on a plate. I cannot imagine what our house would look like if I was on bed rest, or what we would eat.

Giant fear #5 This won't work and we will have to go to injectibles.

Giant fear #6 Postnatal depression.

Giant fear #7 Mom takes a turn for the worse while I am pregnant and I have to deal with it.

So anyhow, it has been a little over 48 hours since we got the go ahead for next month and I am already paranoid. I know we will be thrilled beyond belief if it works, but I am just freaking out a tad. I always do. I am the person who looks for a place to swerve off the road in traffic in case there is an accident. I just like to consider all outcomes.

saladpalooza

I hesitate to say this, because I have never been able to stay off it before but I am trying to give up coffee. I was dragging ass all day. I had half a cup in desperation around 10. The RE said I had to be extra scrupulous this month because I am growing the eggs they will use. So I just had a giant, organic salad with cucumbers and raspberries and before that a glass of organic milk. I have low fat, calcium enriched macaroni and cheese in the oven.

I love coffee. No, I LOVE COFFEE. Plus, there is a cafe at my job. It is soooo tempting. I have to go reread about how eeviil caffeine is, because it calls to me. Cofffffffeeeeeee.

Ugh. But it's such a charming addiction and totally legal. Sigh. I think I recall from the last three times I gave it up that the suffering let up after a few days.

Was anyone else told that by their RE? To be extra careful about their diet the month before treatment?

DRUGS! I GET DRUGS!

My polyp was benign, and after I get my period this month I get drugs and we are doing IUI! FINALLY! It is some drug I never heard of that starts with a T.Maybe Tamoxifen? The paper said TMX 10 mg #20, but I won't get a prescription till CD 1.

I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED. And I am sure Mister can hardly wait to make sweet sweet love to a collection cup. YAY!

So full of dinner.

Tonight we had pot roast, peas, and rolls. If I do say so myself, the gravy was AWESOME. I took some of the braising liquid and reduced it and then used my immersion blender to thicken it with some of the vegetables.

I made bread pudding with cinnamon whipped cream for dessert. It was very good, I am sure it will be even better tomorrow after the flavors have melded some. I would normally not cook like that, but bread pudding is Mom's favorite. So once a year won't kill us.

Tomorrow morning is Dr. Turtle, then I am taking Mom back to my sisters house. Then I am coming home and making a big lasagna and a double batch of brownies because my brothers in law are coming for dinner. I am very glad I made the meat sauce yesterday. So I can just slap the lasagna together.

I think I can get away with just a quick vacuum and wiping the bathrooms down.

So full of dinner. I think I need sleeeeeeeeep.

CD something

Not too much time. I am falling asleep. Anyhow, yesterday I fell getting into the shower and whacked my leg and my back and my head. I have a lovely lady lump on my head. And Mom came to visit. AND I ovulated. But we couldn't do anything about it, because I was too broken.

So anyhow, yesterday was full of The Shit. A shitfull day was yesterday. My CM went from a ton of EWCM to creamy, so I am pretty sure we missed the boat and frankly I am not having any sex while I feel like this.

So this month is wash, unless someone leaves a baby on our doorstep.

Tuesday is my meeting with Doctor Turtle, which I am going to have to sneak off to, since Mom will be here. I'll probably tell her I have work or something.

CD 17, whatever

Before anything else, I would like you to say a prayer for Amanda's precious cat Muffy. You can visit her blog if you haven't already by following the link on my sidebar to TTC Impatient with PCOS.

Last night we did not go to the Olive Garden, we didn't have time. We went to a diner and I got what must have been the CHEWIEST beef on the planet. Not delicious.

However, much to my shock Star Trek was great! No really, it was great. And an awesome choice, since I did not think about getting pregnant for like TWO WHOLE HOURS. Granted, the beginning scene of the movie has a pregnant woman giving birth, but it didn't bother me.

Anyhow, none of the cheesiness of Star Trek the tv show, and lots of explosions. Which is how God likes movies to be. I hate chick flicks. I like things blowing up. We saw it in IMAX and the tickets were 14 bucks each which is outrageous but I am here to tell you it is soooo worth it.

The screen was ENORMOUS and the chairs were supremely comfortable. And the arm rest went us so Mr. and I could snuggle.

You do NOT have to like Star Trek to enjoy this movie. If you like action movies, this one is great. If your idea of an awesome movie is The Notebook, then Star Trek is not for you. Also, please don't tell me if you liked The Notebook, because I hated it. I also hate EVERY movie with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Actually, I pretty much hate Tom Hanks( except for BIG)or any movie that makes me feel like I am growing another damn vagina. Feelings suck. I want explosions.

Nothing much goin on

Just waiting. I have no signs of O yet, well maybe some cramping. I am just marking time till the 19th when I see Dr. Turtle and he tells me what is next. Probably some Obi Wan bullshit, where I have to carry Dr. Turtle through a Babies R Us on my back while he says stuff like " the way to a baby is slow yesssss, use the power of the Clomid....yesssss" and then I do battle with some giant Breeder who tries to run me over with her Bugaboo and so I stab her with a follistim pen.

Or something like that.

Work was a giant suckfest today. For anyone with office type duties that reads this, I spent about a half hour searching for the right paper towels to fit our dispenser since they have disappeared off our ordering site. Then I fought with some toner. It was a draw- I installed the toner but my pants are a wreck. It was crap like that. Ugh.

Mr. and I have a date tonight. We are going to the Olive Garden and then hopefully home for some baby makin. Or more likely, home for some sleep after a pile of pasta. We might go to Longhorn, I have to see if they have ANYTHING besides steak on the menu. I hate steak. Ick. I don't like meat enough to eat it without some camouflage.

CD 14

I just cannot wake up today. Mr. Naughtypants woke me up at twenty minutes after seven by jumping on me and chewing on my legs. I dragged downstairs to say hello to Mr. before he left for work. Then I noticed Mr. Naughtypants ASLEEP on the couch, the stinker. I was more than a little tempted to wake his punk ass up and see how he liked it.

I had coffee but it's not helping. I think I might say to hell with it and brew a second pot. I have to do SOMETHING today besides watch the BBC.

Yes, more coffee- that is the key.

I have been thinking about something. I have been toying with adding more stuff to my blog to make it fancier. I told Mr. he could have one post a week for a cartoon. Mr. is a very good artist. I have also been thinking about putting video on it of me cooking once our house is mostly finished. Or at least finished enough that I would not feel embarrassed about it. The heinous Clock Of Brass will still be there for two more years. Yuck.

We have this fugly clock built into the kitchen wall and none of us can figure out how to remove it. Fugly does not cover it. I hate brass so much. However, I have been thinking about the comments I get from some of you that want to cook better. And I surely am not using my degree for anything else. I do enjoy posting my shopping lists and deals, and while I find typing the recipes tedious I think cooking in front of a webcam would be fun.

It would probably take a few months, since we would have to fool with a webcam. And I am CERTAIN Mr. Naughtypants would constantly jump in front of it. Because he is a ham.

The other thing I have been thinking about is opening an organic cleaning business. Maybe in two years. I like to clean and I prefer using organic cleansers. I think there might be a market for that-most people hate cleaning and more people are concerned with the environment now. I am going to research it. I looked at opening my own business in New Jersey and it was beyond aggravating. I want to see what the laws are like in Pennsylvania.

I worked as a maid for six months in college and I did enjoy it. I cleaned luxury suites in a hotel.

It is just something I am thinking about.

CD 13

This is the longest month ever. Mr is painting and I am tidying. I have a headache, so it is not that much tidying and quite a bit of sitting. There is a big pot of meat sauce bubbling away on the stove for spaghetti. I am off tomorrow and have to deep clean. DEEP. Because the house is creeping toward funky. So anything I get done tonight will make me super happy tomorrow.

No sign of O yet, which I suppose is immaterial anyway.

This week we are having spaghetti with meat sauce(tonight), tuna casserole-(tomorrow and Wednesday), macaroni and cheese with turkey keilbasi( Thursday) and sausage and peppers( Friday and Saturday). Saturday I am also cooking a pot roast, and making some more meat sauce because we have Mom coming to stay for four days next week while my sister has company.

I am going to be cooking like crazy. Bread pudding, scones, pot roast- Mom likes heavy, traditional Irish- American food so it is gonna be carbtastic over here.

And we all survived.

More or less. I did want to punch the WaWa manager out today as he proclaimed at the top of his lungs 'HAPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MOTHER'S DAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY."

So I shot him with my death stare.

Well, Thank God that shit is over with for a year.

It was our anniversary on Saturday. Three years. Mr. told me he is happy every day that I am his wife.

Let's see how he feels after Clomood. Heehee.

Not much is going on here. I suppose it is do or die Race For The Egg time. Whatever. I have an appointment on the 19th so Dr. Turtle can go over my polyp test results with me. Can't they ever do that stuff on the phone? Because if it is good news and nothing is wrong- why do I need to drive an hour each way? If it's bad news then I have to DRIVE home. That makes no damn sense.

Dr. Turtle better make with the drugs soon. I swear I could score meth easier than Clomid.

M Day is almost upon us.

UGH.

On the one hand, with my Mother, Mister's Mother and my Stepmother, that is a whole lot of visiting of Mothers and hopefully I will be too busy to be depressed.

I am putting a cd in my car for the whole weekend since M-Day stuff is already all over the radio.

Just like almost everyone reading this, M-Day fills me with conflicting feelings.

You know, when my Mom got so sick two years ago it was very very close to my miscarriage. I think I had a month in between and then found out Mom was dying. Because my Mom is who she is and lived her life the way she did, I don't think Mother's Day will ever be anything but bittersweet for me.

I really hoped that as I grew older I would understand my own Mother more. And I do. And I don't. While I was only pregnant for a short while- I would have done anything for my baby. I don't understand and will never understand why my own Mother did not feel the same about me. When she looked at me as a baby did she think"I will drink myself to death and my daughter will care for me and change my diaper and bathe me and her whole life will STOP?" She couldn't have. When did she slide into alcoholism? When I was five? When I was 15? I am not sure since realizing THINGS WERE NOT GOOD was very gradual. I can say now at 34 that my Mom is an alcoholic and it is just another thing about me- saying it out loud at 17 was scary and hard.

Sometimes I wonder when I am having a very depressive period if it will overwhelm me one day and my own daughter will be staring at me thinking "WHY do we live like this?" I hope not. I hope I am self aware enough to never repeat my Mother's mistakes. I was thinking a week or so ago that most girls must say " I WILL NEVER be my Mother."

I wonder if my own Mother said that? Personally, my Grandmother was my hero. She was a wonderful, brilliant, caring, generous, silly,hard working woman. She was also domineering,and a perfectionist. Did my own Mom watch her Mother's behaviors and say "That will never be me."

Because my Mom allowed us a lot of freedom compared to how she was raised- I could read whatever I wanted. She did not force us to clean our rooms, she did not keep an immaculate( or in fact clean) house, she was very trusting of us. All we had to do was tell her where we were and that was good enough.

I have been thinking over my Mom and what her intentions were when she became a Mother. It is hard for me to think of my Mom as a person full of possibilities. Sometimes I feel like I had three Mothers. I had Mommy- I have lovely memories of her- she made us hot cocoa to drink while she tumbled our mittens dry so we could go back out into the snow. She set the table and laid our clothes out the night before school. She told us stories with our breakfast. She danced with us in the kitchen and sang with us in the car.

I have My Mother. I have horrible, terrible memories of shame and despair. Of Mom passed out on the couch. Of her drunk on my birthday. Of the clinking of ice- it took me years to realize why I hate ice in my drink. Of the smell of scotch. Of her calling everyone she knew and telling them she had a brain tumor and then me having to tell them she didn't. Of her telling me she was having "seizures" and taking her to the ER for the doctor to tell me her blood was triple the legal limit. Of the open secret that you needed to call Mom first, in the morning-before she called you in the evening. Of long months of avoiding her and trying to make my own life- one that was clean and nice and organized and had no messy Alcoholic Mothers in it. Of hoping she would just die so it could be over.

I have Mom. I have Mom now. She is frail. She is sick. She is dying. But, by default she is sober. It is weird to mother your Mother. I have bathed her when she was too weak to clean herself. And changed her. And fed her. And cleaned bedsores she got in a nursing home after she was so ill. I have fought with doctors and hospitals,and nurses and insurance companies. I have seen how most of America treats it's elderly AND I AM NOT IMPRESSED. I have run errands- a mountain of errands. I have driven myself to the brink of exhaustion and waved goodbye as I passed to some new level of exhaustion I had no idea existed. I have been fed again and again from a plate full of irony.

In the beginning, I thought if I could care for my Mother with a glad heart and ease her into a death with dignity that God would finally reward me with my heart's desire. That God was giving me this burden because ahead of me was the most wonderful child and life I could imagine. But no. Or at least, not yet.
I have seen her get the last rites, and rally. My sister and I share her power of attorney- we are in essence her parents.

What I have now, is not the Mother I always wanted but it is My Mother. I have memories of us laughing now. We share a similar sense of humor and I am so so thankful that I have had this opportunity to make memories of my Mother that are good-in their own way.

I remember praying for strength. Praying for Mom to have peace. Praying for it to be over even while I was racing madly to keep it from being over. Then after a month stretched to two stretched to six and a year and now two years..I remember praying that whatever the hell I was supposed to learn COULD I JUST FREAKING LEARN IT ALREADY AND GET ON WITH THE PERFECT LIFE I ALWAYS WANTED? Surely it would soon be time for my perfect life to start.

Sometimes I wonder if what I am supposed to learn is that life is not perfect. That life is what happens while I am running around putting holiday themed candies in holiday themed dishes. That a baby will never come at the perfect time, but that it will come at the right time. What I have learned is that while I may never have the relationship with my Mother that I WANT to have, I can still have a relationship with her. Maybe, while some of us have not had the mothering experience we WANT to have, we can still have that experience in another way.

Wherever you are, and wherever you go this M-Day weekend I hope you carry with you peace in your heart.

I heart my washer

It is here and SO FANTASTIC! I looooooooooooooove you GE. It did NOT flip the breaker! It washed a ton of clothes! They came out practically dry. I pet it and called it my love. Oh Washer, you are splendid and can wash a king sized comforter!

We have a queen bed, but king sized comforters and spreads because I am a cover hog. Oink.

It's CD 8, my ladyparts still feel kind of... explored? Probed? Something. Fortunately it isn't do or die time yet.

Work was SO BAD.
#1 My boss called out half dead.
#2 NUMBER TWO Who knew someone could make that much crap? And that is coming from someone who takes METFORMIN.
#3 People testing the fire system.
#4 Ironically, the fire alarm goes off FOR REALZ. Electrical mayhem and firefighters ensue.
#5 Some lunatic put A GARBAGE CAN IN THE TOILET.

I hope poor Andrea has gone to a safe place. It took me hours to decompress today. I had to have pizza and ice cream. And chocolate. And then more chocolate.

I really feel that while the occasional customer bathroom situation is just part of retail, NOTHING ELSE SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO GO WRONG THAT DAY. If I have to do battle with a Golgotha, there should be some kind of free pass for any other problems.

Dearest Infant Jesus,

Please send me a baby so I can fucking quit.

love,

Celia

Back from the stores

My week did NOT go how I planned it. We went out three times this week, which is unheard of for us. On Sunday when we went to get the washer, it took forever, and so we ended up going out to dinner. On Saturday, we went out to dinner with our friends. Yesterday, after my sister being held hostage for three hours at the RE's , I took her to lunch. So a whole lotta restauranting- that would normally not happen.

Anyhow, at Giant I spent 51.84 and saved 18.37- which makes me so mad. I screwed up somewhere, because I should have saved another six.

At Pathmark I spent 18.02 and saved 18.67. So a total of 69.50 spent and 47.51 saved.

Anyoldhow, how many times do I have to learn to read carefully when I am matching the sales? Ugh. That will teach me to pay attention.

I have to get the chili started and throw in some laundry. I have NINE loads of laundry in the basement.

Uterus 1 Polyp 0

My uterus is triumphant. They found one polyp and removed it. Even though I was more scared about this than any of the other stuff I have had done it was not bad. Absolutely the hsg was more painful and the post coital was more humiliating.

I was really sleepy from the anesthesia. So I lay on the couch the rest of the day yesterday and then went to bed at 9.

Today I have to whip the house back into shape. I have laundry to do and some shopping and I really REALLY feel the need to bake. Maybe because it is freakin gloomy here. Like, Poe gloomy.

So I am making the chicken chili today and a big batch of something. Something fattening and delicious. Pie? Brownies? Bread? More chocolate chip cookies? Oatmeal cookies? I have to think. The only thing I am not in the mood to make is a big, frosted cake. But a cookie.... maybe a hazelnut crescent would be insanely good today.

Polyppalooza

It is rainy, I can't have my beloved coffee in my Bad Day mug. We have these awesome mugs that are hand thrown that are crumpled and have Bad Day Mug inscribed on them. They are everyone's favorite mugs that come to our home.

I am not looking forward to this. I just feel naked-I hate that people who are not married to me are going to be seeing my parts. I hate that I could not find a female RE. I hate it. I hate that my period is finally over and all the rooting around in there is gonna bring it back.

Blech.

My sister is going to be here soon, she is taking me since Mr. was in a giant huff about taking off from work with no notice. His job is very strict about time off. He only gets two personal days a year. However, if I am being truthful I really resent Mr. not taking today off to go with me.

Lazy Sunday

It's a lazy Sunday. I actually just got up because we stayed out so late. We went with a bunch of friends to dinner at Famous Daves and then saw Wolverine. The movie was really good. It was a really nice time. Mr. is patching plaster today.

Not too much going on today. Just a quite,lazy day.

I went to crazytown today.

I went to what could ONLY be described at crazytown. I have heard from other infertile bloggers about women who complain bitterly about being pregnant with a healthy baby. Yep, it's true. They wail and complain about having a boy when they want a girl, or a girl when they want a boy.

I hunted through the internets, and I am here to tell you that I would rather be the most infertile motherfucker in the room than be so dumb as to complain about the sex of a healthy child. It was interesting to read, because clearly they felt justified. Clearly they felt awful. Clearly they are batshit crazy and have never had a real problem.

Dear Sweetest Jesus,

I promise not to complain, not even if you send me a future baseball player- or... a cheerleader. Somehow I will soldier on.

love,

Celia

Anyhow, back to the whack jobs. I figure complaining about the sex of your child to an infertile(yeeees I know they were not in front of me and that I went looking for them- get your own blog mmkay?) is like sitting in front of someone who is starving and bitching bitterly about your pastrami sandwich. No one cut off the crusts. You don't like mustard. YOU WANT SALAD. There is the starving person, watching you in disbelief. HOW DARE GOD PROVIDE YOU WITH AMPLE SANDWICHES??? ALL YOU ARE ASKING FOR IS A SALAD. And the starving person is like WTF dude, I will take that pastrami in a hot second.

Anyhow, if you can wrap your mind around actually complaining about an ALIVE CHILD, you should totally check these freaks out. Because I am glad I am not them. I would rather be my infertile self than say it's twin boys :((( and mean it.

If you are interested in watching the loons, Google "in-gender.com "

It makes me feel similar to watching Like Real Wives of NYC or whatever. Where their life is so NOT my life that it is just unreal. I am so glad that I am not them.

ALSO THERE IS SOMEONE THERE WHO, WITHOUT IRONY USES A PICTURE OF A KITTEN HANGING ONTO A ROPE THAT SAYS "HANG IN THERE". Yes, hang in there you fertile bitches, give me an address and I will send tissues this Mother's Day.

Monday all the cool people are getting

hysteroscopies. Or whatever you call it. Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. All I can picture is them sticking one of those pickle grabbers up there and pulling out polyps like you pull a grape off a vine.

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo Stop sticking things in my uterus. nooooooooooooooooooo.

Yes,yes I am freaked out about it, how can you tell?

Dunno what the crap to make for dinner

tonight. I looked at my saved menu plans and nothing appeals. My beef is still a beefcicle, and shows no sign of defrosting- ever.

I am scoping out some of the sales. Today I am going to Pathmark for Doritos(what?), cheese, and sour cream.

At Giant I am picking up organic strawberries, Lysol, PopTarts(what?) and Banana Nut Cheerios.

Mr. finished the Ring of Fire enchiladas last night, and took the rest of the frittata/freetata/fritatta for lunch. I suggested he have hotdogs for dinner. If he does then I don't have to cook- so clearly that is a giant plus for me.

I suppose I could cook off some pasta, I have not made spaghetti for a while. It would give me something to do with the beefcicle.

Hmm. What have I not made in a while? I can go for Mr.'s favorite chipped beef on toast. I have not made tuna noodle casserole in a while. I have not made sausage and peppers in a while. Ok. You know I have not made a rockin batch of chili in a while and I have been wanting to give white chicken chili a whirl.

Ok. White chicken chili, that is good for two days, tuna casserole is dinner and lunch, sausage and peppers- is two meals also. And then we have the S.O.S. wild card. Which is the most slackass easy thing to make and Mr. acts like I spent three days on it.

So I need to buy, chicken sausage and a can of tomatoes and an onion and 2 green peppers for the sausage and peppers. Another onion, some chicken, chicken broth, cilantro, white beans and a poblano for the chili. Chipped beef. Some celery, egg noodles and mushrooms for the casserole. Well, then that is what we are having the coming week. All set.