Fond potatoes

I have to tell you about the glory of fond potatoes. Ok, take a nice baking potato and peel it. Then you put it in a baking dish and fill it with enough stock( chicken or beef whatev NO VEGETABLE STOCK) to come half way up the potato. Then you baste the top of the potato with butter. Multiple times. So the top is crispy and buttery and the bottom is beyond creamy. I swear, you will want to touch yourself.

It is important to slice off the bottom of the potato so it does not roll around. That would screw up your results. The top should be flat also for maximum butter action. You baste while baking as often as you think of it.

Hiding

Mom is coming today. God help me. I am banking on her being too self involved to notice anything is different here. My sister has had Mom almost a year straight and is desperate for a break and some Mom free time. So she will be here a week or two.

We went shopping yesterday. I bought a pair of maternity pants and a blouse. My pants were so tight the other day I had to do that thing where you thread a rubber band through the button hole. Mister surprised me by picking me up at work and taking me shopping. We went to Ikea, Target, and then out for THE BEST FOOD IN THE WORLD- Mexican. I was a little scared of heartburn but no ill affects. I swear heaven on earth is a chile relleno.

I am about to have breakfast and then shower and then start running around and the end won't come till Mom leaves. So first a shower, then the grocery store, then tidy, then go to my discharge appointment( two hours round trip) then up to get Mom( two hours and a half round trip) After four and a half hours of driving I can entertain Mom and cook dinner. Tonight is meat loaf and mashed potatoes and peas. Tomorrow is pot roast. I am not sure what else. I have a ton of cooking to do.

Dear Jesus,

Give me strength and don't let Mom figure out what is up.

love,

Celia

Sea Monkey- chugging along!

We saw Sea Monkey wiggling and waving and in general having a fine time in Uterusland. All of Sea Monkey's parts are in the right place. Including the bladder, which Elizabeth said it is early to see. Mister was beyond excited. I have NEVER seen him this happy. I go back Monday to be discharged from the RE. Then I pop right back on Wednesday for the NT scan and an hour later my obgyn appointment. I am feeling confident about the ob. Elizabeth told me she uses them too.

Hopefully Mister will scan in the new pictures tomorrow. This was the last ultrasound till week 20. Unless the ob wants a peek. I had something totally new today, a transvaginal AND a regular ultrasound. I also got some suspicious looks at work directed toward the area knows as Sea Monkey Land.

Some news to report. Apparently my placenta moved. And is now perched atop my cervix. Good times. Elizabeth said that they move 90% of the time. But if it doesn't move by week 24 it's not going to and I will have to have a c-section. I asked her if that meant bed rest and she said not yet. Elizabeth said that would only be necessary if I start bleeding and there is not any blood yet. But if there is, then it's pelvic rest. So I am just going to be very careful til the next ultrasound. And then we'll see what is what.

I am not going to worry too much about the placenta. I can't do a damn thing about it. My cervix is closed and is um 3.8 I think she said. Whatever the heck that means. Anyway it is a good length or whatever.

Tomorrow is the next ultrasound.

It's at 7 20 a.m. so Mister can be there. I am deep in panic mode right now. It's just going to build till we see the screen tomorrow. Every week I feel like the Bad Omen God is stalking me. Every week for the last four weeks I have heard about someone one week farther along than I am losing their baby. Which really makes me paranoid(er).

We went to Babies R Extremely Expensive last night. For once instead of feeling terrified I felt cautiously excited. We picked out the nursery theme. They have a pastel Winnie the Pooh set we are getting. I think. We both like it and it's cheerful without being too busy. We found a few cribs we are considering. We both liked the mini crib. The nursery is teeny. It was one of the things I fell in love with when we saw the house. I really like small rooms- they are cozy. Giant rooms make me feel lonely. We decided to repaint the nursery the color of our ceilings, it's a neutral cream called dogwood blossom. That way the room will be restful.

To be honest I really wanted the Sweet Lambie nursery from Pottery Barn. However, I smacked myself around and was sensible. If we were normal I would have sprung for it, but I have to be budget minded. Especially because we are already planning when to restart treatments for #2. Which would be about a year from now. It's not like I am getting younger and more fertile. At least we have a prayer of it being a faster process next time. We won't need more genetic testing, and I hopefully won't have any more polyps. Plus I am fully diagnosed. So hopefully they will just make sure my general health is good and we can get right to baby making.

We did decide not to try and have a third child. I already feel like trying for a second is tempting reproductive fate. We will see how things shake out and then look at adoption. We have always wanted to adopt one, we just wanted it to be the last one, since I am pretty high strung and wanted to be a broken in parent. That way we can focus on adoption without the added stress of having zero parenting experience.

We talked some more about the NT test on the 2nd. I have the NT test AND my first ob appointment that day. I never thought we would make it. I still can't believe it. I would LOVE to believe it, but I just can't. Not yet. Mister does, he is fully convinced everything will be fine. Yesterday we lay on the bed and started reading a parenting book I got for him a very long time ago. It's just for dads and called Be Prepared. I like it because it covers everything in a humorous way that Mister can relate to.

I wonder how long a baby could use a mini crib? Mister thinks it will be fine since we are both short and short + short = short. Poor child is doomed to shortness and glasses and unless the Miracle of Breast Milk works- allergies.

Mister started explaining chess to Sea Monkey. "You see Sea Monkey, it is called a KNIGHT and not a HORSIE- no matter what Mommy tells you. And the knight moves in an L shape." Mister is an excellent chess player. I am.....not. I did try just so he could play at home but I suck. So hopefully Sea Monkey and Mister can play chess together.

My weight is the same, thank goodness. I have been really afraid that I would pork up without Metformin. As my nutritionist explained( in my next life I will be thin just to avoid these damn lectures) the baby is living off my fat. Nice. So as long as I eat healthy and keep my weight gain at 15 pounds everything will be fine. I am really trying, since I am worried about GD and I don't want to have a ton of weight to lose before we can try again.

Dear Sea Monkey,

We see you again tomorrow. Still be there ok? Mommy will buy you hot chocolate afterward.

love,

Mommy

Four more days

till the next ultrasound. I had blood drawn today and everything must be fine because they didn't call. But I still wait paranoidly for each ultrasound. Then I am so busy telling myself not to go crazy in public if the baby is dead that it is very hard for me to focus on the actual exam. I feel safe for about a day after seeing Sea Monkey and then feel ok and then a few days before the next ultrasound I go back to dead baby mode. So with four days to go I am #1 telling myself everything is fine or they would have called me and hauled my ass in for an exam. #2 Imagining that they tried to call me and no one gave me the message. #3 Extrapolating that to mean that if only I had heard this imaginary message they could have done something and saved the baby which by now is of course dead.

Then I try to be rational. Riiight. Or at least tuck the crazy in so it doesn't show. So I feel a little better having dumped my craziness onto my long suffering blog. ( My poor blog must need a vacay by now- probably to some crafty blog where it can have pictures of hand made aprons and Precious Moments themed wallpaper. Precious Moments are just about the creepiest things ever.)

sidebar- I used to work in a shop that sold Precious Moments and the collectors were SCARY. Plus they would tell me how many they had and then scare me MORE by telling me they changed the displays seasonally. And that THEY WOULD NEVER SELL THEM EVER BUT WHERE IS THE BOX???? I CAN'T BUY THIS WITHOUT THE BOX. IT LOWERS THE VALUE OF IT EVEN THOUGH I SWEAR I WILL NEVER SELL IT AND MAY POSSIBLY BE BURIED WITH THEM. Seriously, I waited on clown collectors, fairy collectors, unicorn collectors, carousel collectors, Lladro collectors, and teddy collectors. The Precious Moments people scarred me for life. Creep-y.

Speaking of creepy. Cause I am feeling like it. Have any of you read the book by Munsch called "Love You Forever"? That is the creepiest book in the world. I am gonna burn it if someone buys us one.

Fairy collectors were the most fun. Actually in the bookstore the fairy/magic customers are some of my favorites because they are so relaxed.

Still not telling.

yesterday my ultrasound tech told me I only have a little bit of time left before there is no hiding. Maybe a few weeks. But I really want to wait. I want to tell my Dad at the same time as everyone else. He and my Stepmom are in Alaska till mid October. My sister CANNOT keep a secret. In fact after a week or two she becomes indignant about having to keep a secret. So if we told in stages I know my sister would crack. Cause she's been my sister for 33 years and that is just her way.

How am I gonna be able to hide for September and part of October?

The other reason I am waiting is that my family is AN IN YOUR BUSINESS KIND OF FAMILY. When Mister and I got engaged I was getting three phone calls and five emails a day. Now I suppose there are some girls who WANT to talk about their upcoming wedding 8 times a day, but I am not that girl. After five months we eloped to Vegas. No regrets. When you have a Mother, a Step Mother, A Mother in Law, a sister and a sister in law ( and yep Dad was all over me too) it gets to be a bit much. The idea of six months of nonstop phone calls and emails and loving nagging makes me feel frantic. Granted I had been a bridesmaid three times by then and my giveashitter about Blush and Bashful was truly broken. My Stepmom is great, but her wedding totally burnt me out. Don't ask. Or ask, and I will save my bridesmaid nightmares for a later post. ( Not your wedding AYM- that was great. I promise, but the other two actually did drive me to drink. Wedding dossier anyone?)

Blech. Anyhow as much as I am looking forward to the baby I am not looking forward to the three ring circus. I hate fuss. My skin crawls knowing that my Mom will call me "her little Mama" in a voice coated in syrup. She called me her little bride( puke) for almost a year. "And how is my little bride today? And what did my little bride do this week? And how is everything with my little bride?" Think about hearing that FOR A YEAR.

The last reason I want to wait is that this has been the first time in almost three years that Mister and I have had any reproductive privacy to speak of. And it is wonderful.

10 week ultrasound

I saw feet! I saw hands! Sea Monkey is right on track. The placenta is in a good place too.

I have more bloodwork on Monday, and then the last ultrasound there is on the 28th and our nuchal fold test is on September 2nd. Then I am released to the ob. At which point there will be HUGE celebrations in budget land. Even though the monitoring is wonderful, it will be a different kind of wonderful to only see a doctor once a month.

I have an obscene amount of laundry to do before I go into work.

Dear Sea Monkey

I see you again tomorrow. Still be there, ok? I am really really looking forward to seeing you wiggling and waving. Also, ha ha very funny making Mommy turn the air downstairs green with funk. I am taking you to the store tomorrow. You may have any cookie you desire after our ultrasound. We only have two weeks left of the first trimester- let's just get past them so we can settle into trimester two.

Overtime

Lord above. Work is chock full o'sick people. I have been a bad blogger but a good employee. My feet are keeling me. I am just going to suck it up and take the overtime. My one poor co-worker is so sick that her doctor can't figure out what is wrong.

So Sea Monkey and I have been working and working. Which is good because God knows we have plenty of money going OUT and it will be nice to have some coming IN.

Mister worked a little on the nursery yesterday. We bought a white bookcase and he mounted it to the wall and we filled it with my Eeyore collection. It looks very cute. I have to get up and head out. I am supposedly off tomorrow. And if so I am propping my feet up and spending the whole day watching Lifetime.

A mixed bag

On the one hand, I feel GREAT which is making me paranoid that the baby is dead. On the other hand, I don't think we are going to be able to wait till November to tell, because I am showing. I know one should cancel out the other but it's not. Feeling terrible is reassuring. Feeling super is terrifying.

My boss knows since I had to tell her because of the twenty pound weight lift restriction. She told me two days ago that I was not going to be able to hide for much longer. I got home and asked Mister. He said I looked normal still. But then he came into work yesterday and when I was walking toward him he whispered to me that most definitely you could tell.

How on Earth can something the size of a strawberry be making it's presence known already? I wear a size 16- I am not a tiny girl. Maybe it is different for everyone and I am going to look like I'm hiding a yoga balance ball under my shirt by March.

I have blood work this morning, and the ultrasound is on Tuesday.

WTF Eagles?

I cannot believe the Eagles signed that maniac Michael Vick. I can tell you one thing, there is not gonna be an Eagles flag hanging outside our house as long as that piece of shit is on the team. Mister loves the Eagles. I am really hoping he dumps them. There is no effing WAY I am letting him spend OUR money on THEIR tickets till that creep is gone. I cannot believe it. No, I cannot.

I made an appointnment with another ob

Too bad there is not some ob buffet where I could sample each 0ne till I found The One. I swear 15 minutes picking out my wedding dress and I have spent weeks trying to find an ob. This one is a Dr. Adamson and it is in Voorhees on September 2nd. They told me that it is a pretty far drive and they are right, because I would be delivering in Voorhees. Which is an hour from our house. I asked them if they had a lot of referrals from m RE's office and they said yes. So then I asked if they were used to dealing with paranoid infertile women. She said yes. Which is what I am looking for. I don't want to be placated, I want to be leveled with. I know I am a worrier.

I am telling myself that a normal labor takes hours and hours and we will have plenty of notice. Plus what if something goes wrong at work? I will be close. Unless something changes I am planning on working till March 8th. Which gives me a week to hang out at home.

So I am going with the two appointments. Hopefully insurance will not squawk. One in a nine days and one a few weeks after that.

I did not ask over the phone about my new diagnosis. I decided that as long as my bloodwork stays fine, I will wait till next week when I am sitting down with Elizabeth.

I am off to do errands and shower and visit Mother.

Unthrilled

I was looking at my receipt from the doctors today and I noticed they added two new diagnosis to it. As they find more crap wrong with me the list gets longer and longer. In the beginning it just had "dysmetabolic syndrome x and unspecified endocrine disorder" Which I figured was secret code for PCOS and hypothyroidism. Then other ovarian dysfunction got added, polyp of the corpus luteum, and artificial insemination.

But today I noticed two new lines. They said " unspecified complication of pregnancy" and " unspecified high risk pregnancy". So I went into full on WHAT THE FUCK mode. And really, who wouldn't? So I asked when I was checking out if that meant I needed a high risk obgyn and they said no.

Are they talking about my age? My hypothyroidism? My hypoglycemia? All three? My inability to coordinate shoes and a handbag? WHAT?

So I am just going to obsess a bit. I went back through my papers and it says that on July 17 but I didn't notice. But it does not say it on the ones from around July 5th. What changed? I am unthrilled. I see Elizabeth on the 18 when I get my next ultrasound, but I go back to the office on Friday for more bloodwork. I think I am gonna ask then in person.

So I would not be the only one that was semi-panicky right?

Sea Monkey is growing!

Hooray! Sea Monkey measures exactly right at 8 weeks and three days and is baby shaped. Mister has agreed to post the picture sometime this weekend! The heartbeat is 178, and the yolk sac looks good. They looked at my file and again and changed my due date to march 16th. Wouldn't it be fun to have a St. Patrick's Day baby?

Then I freaked myself out at lunch. I was too busy running around this morning(fine slumping on the couch) to make myself lunch. So I bought a frozen Shepherds Pie at Trader Joes which was delicious till midway through when one of the pieces of meat looked weird to me. It had little white beads on it? I could not tell if it was mold or fat or what so I chucked it and then imagined I had killed Sea Monkey with contaminated frozen food. Yes, yes I am paranoid. I wish I did not know so much about food born illnesses. Because some organisms can survive both being frozen and being cooked. My co-worker thinks it was fat. We'll find out if I end up on Medical Incredible.

I showed Mister the picture and he said that I am doing fabulous and gave us both kisses. So hopefully when I start to get panicky again I can remember Elizabeth saying everything is as normal and perfect as can be.

Tomorrow is the next ultrasound.

I am back at firmly believing this will all go away. Thank goodness the ultrasound is early in the morning. I won't be able to update till way late at night because I am going straight to work.

Dear Sea Monkey,

Mommy is only a little crazy and promises to semi-relax once you are nice and baked. So stick around.

love,

Crazy Mommy

omg I made the ob/gyn appointment

And I am feeling weird about it. I am going AGAINST my personal squeamishness and seeing a man. Which I am really not ok with but really how many people are left that HAVEN'T seen my vagina? He has a lot of really good reviews online so we will see. And if it doesn't work out I can break up with them.

In fantastic news, I think my constipation might be over. Thank God. That was awful. So I guess I will be eating high fiber cereal, prunes, apples and grapes daily till March. Good times.

I checked and my insurance does NOT cover doulas. I know some insurance does. Well hopefully we will save enough money making the change from the RE to the OB that we can pay for it. We have been spending roughly 300 dollars a month so far. We added a page to our budget file to track pregnancy exspences. Not clothes, just medical.

Argh.

Tomorrow is eight weeks

I celebrated by taking a two hour nap chock full of crazy pregnancy dreams. I am still really really tired. My house is absolutely filthy. When I got up this morning I was full of plans to clean. But they turned into plans for sleep. I am psyching myself up to go to the grocery store. Or take a shower. Preferably both. But climbing back in bed is much more appealing.

I saw the nutritionist yesterday. We talked about changes to my diet. In five weeks I get 300 more calories a day. I can use them on waffle fries- I mean more healthy snacks. I am allowed to gain 15 pounds. So far my weight is the same. Personally I think I lost weight and then gained it back. She changed my prenatal to one with a stool softener. Good times. She scared the crap out of me( not really, I wish) talking about listeria. Then I got another pamphlet about what I should and shouldn't eat as well as getting my gestational diabetes lecture. I am feeling somewhat philosophical about GD. I am doing my best dammit, and if I get it then I will deal with it. She agreed with me that I need one more serving of a calcium rich food a day. Other than that, she is pleased with my diet.

She again said I had to exercise and I again told her I am too tired. I get it that I am tired because I am not exercising but my work day can be 11 hours, if you include my commute. All I want to do at home is relax.

My next ultrasound is Friday. Hopefully Sea Monkey will look more like a baby and less like an amoeba.

Our sex life is non-existent. We are just not interested. EVERYONE WHO IS NOT A HARD CORE INFERTILE RUN OFF AT THIS POINT. YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THE NEXT PART.

When we lost our last baby, the problems started during sex. We were both PAINTED in bright red blood on the lower half of our bodies. I started sobbing and called the ob on call who ASS-sured me that all was fine and bleeding was normal. Except it wasn't. We both know intellectually that sex did not cause the baby to die and that the pregnancy was already doomed. But there is knowing intellectually and then there is believing. We talked about it last week, the few times we have tried since we found out were nice, but I would be lying if I said I did not immediately turn on the light to check for blood.

Mister feels the same. He told me that it was so hard and took so long to get pregnant the second time that he is very afraid to do anything. I am afraid too, so there is a lot of cuddling and nothing else going on at our house.

I have not called any obs yet. I am too afraid that I will make the appointment and this will all go away. I looked around for some and got some names but I have not called any. What if I get one that does not understand?

At least I have almost finished deciding on a regular hospital and not a birthing center. I WANT a birthing center, but they only take healthy Moms and I think a late pregnancy change to an ob would make me more upset than just using a hospital to begin with. So I am almost positive that we will be using a hospital and a doula.

well it went fine

The shower went fine. My friend looked great, very healthy! I felt somewhat like an ass after I got there because it took me the entire trip to realize it was ten minutes from work and I did NOT need the GPS. I just kept thinking"odd, this is just like going to work" and it was EXACTLY like going to work. And I used my GPS. I have zero sense of direction.

I am freakin exhausted. I was up at six yesterday and did not get home till after midnight and then was up at six today so I can open the store. IT IS EVIL TO MAKE PEOPLE WORK TILL 11 30 AND THEN GO BACK IN AT 8.

The shower itself was nice. It was small and quiet, I think if it had been huge and loud I would have freaked out more. I talked to a very nice woman there. The shower food did not sit happily with Sea Monkey. I should have had chicken salad OR egg salad but not both.

Tomorrow I have more blood work and then sometime soon I have my next ultrasound. I think early next week? Right now Sea Monkey is at 7 weeks, and the ultrasound is sometime in week 8.

Someone go take a shower for me.

The best food in The Universe

is pineapple. Hooray!