Four Day Weekend!

Today Daddy and my stepmom and their new puppy are coming. Adding to the melee, one of Mister's brothers is coming too. We are having meatloaf and mashed potatoes, and if fate is with me- brownies. And of course my usual two loads of laundry,vaccuum, etc.

I gave Mister a break yesterday, he went out after work to bowl. So it was me and Peter from 8 a.m. till 10 p.m. Luckily, Peter was happy. I finished shampooing the downstairs, though in retrospect it would have been smarter to wait til after the puppy.

We are going to look at furniture this weekend, not to buy- just to get ideas. And Saturday we are going to help our friends with their garage sale. MIL wants us to visit on Saturday since we will be around the corner. I don't know how we will handle that yet. Sunday is a free day and Monday Mom and my sister are coming.

Granola Bars

Granola Bar Recipe I use raw trail mix in mine, and add a large spoonful- about a quarter cup of peanut or almond butter in with the brown sugar. They are chewy like an oatmeal raisin cookie. They keep very well on the counter. I make a batch about once a week. They are the perfect snack for me because I can grab it and carry it around with me. I think coconut would be good in it too. As long as the butter is softened, you can make these in the time it takes for the oven to heat up.

My MIL has an even better granola bar recipe, but I have lost my copy and to get another I would have to talk to her. lol.

Hey, what sunblock are you guys gonna use on the baybees this summer? Peter has very sensitive skin so I want something gentle. But I want him to get some sun, and take him to the ocean and the pool.

A fly by

I am still swamped. I'm sure I will have more time to call my own once Peter is a little older. We spent the weekend combating Peter's constipation. He was miserable. Although not as miserable as with acid reflux. So I suppose on the Misery Scale I would rank it a 6.5 out of ten. Mister said it just does not seem like Petey can catch a break. He is finally feeling jolly and then can't poop.

I called his pediatrician and she told us half an ounce of prune or pear juice once a day. It took the weekend, but I think it is working. My SECOND Playtex pump died. The first one's motor crapped out in the car last weekend. It made this dying cow sound. We returned it to BRU and I opened the new one last night. It made a weird sound right out of the box. It sounded like a boat motor. I called Playtex this morning and they are overnighting me a new motor. I really don't want to switch to a Medela pump- I like the cups on the Playtex model. But if the third one dies I will switch. I put the prune juice in his bottle. At first he made a weird face, but I think he likes it. I like prunes too and God knows I ate enough of them while I was pregnant.

I got my last maternity leave check. I have to call Borders and ask how the severance thing works. I don't know why they did not just mail it all in one envelope. Probably that would have been too easy. The last check from our insurance company to fix the office should come today or tomorrow. We are VERY UNHAPPY with how Travelers handled this, can anyone suggest a home insurance they are pleased with? NOT ALLSTATE- I HATE THEM. THEY ARE THE DEVIL. I would keep Travelers before I went to them.

Anyhow, we are rearranging the house again. We finally moved upstairs ( more or less) and the back bedroom is now the office( more or less) and the office is empty ( more or less). The office reno should take about a week. They are taking down walls and the ceiling and refinishing the floors. Argh. Just thinking about it gives me a headache. We are so sick of moving stuff up down and around.

Peter Slept.

FIVE HOURS IN A ROW. WE SLEPT EIGHT HOURS. I could die. He is now in his bouncy chair taking his third poop in less than two hours. And it is not raining today so we can take some walks!

In tragic news, we are out of cookies. :(

One step forward, two steps back

Last night was bad. Mister and I were both delirious. By crikey. Peter is asleep now. Or at least for now.

Yesterday started out fabulous, he took a two hour nap in the morning. But then he was up from 11 or 12 till eight. He is too little for that, right? He was a hot mess by eight at night. He is fussing now, so I think the sleep is not for long.

In good news, after over four years of nagging- Mister FINALLY went to the dermatologist to get his eleventybillion moles checked out. Nothing cancerous, but one they want us to keep an eye on.

Yep- AWAKE.

so insanely busy

and typing one handed. Peter was two months old yesterday. Today he had his doctors appointment and he is eleven pounds. This weekend we were out both days. Saturday we saw some family friends and then Mister had promised we'd go see Bossy- I mean my mother in law. Ugh. Neither of us wanted to. We are both creeped out by how filthy her house is. Also, she kept touching him while I was nursing him. Not. A. Fan. Of. That.

Sunday we saw Auntie Andrea, it was nice. And Peter was sooooooo quiet there. Andrea is magic. She also got him a Chewbacca t shirt. Be jealous.

At the doctors office I asked about MIL and if I was being paranoid about how dirty it was. They said I was not overreacting and that she would have to visit with Peter at our house- he is too little to be exposed to that many germs/bacteria/mildew/choking hazards etc.

MIL told me she was hurt that I did not have her watch Peter while we were at the wedding last weekend. Now seriously, even if her house was immaculate WHY would we drag him around when there are people that will come to our house?

Everything is still good

He seems so much more content. Not just happy, but content. Before when he would eat, his brow would almost always furrow-like the weight of the world was on him. But not anymore. He was up every two hours last night. But consolable. Now he is taking his first nap of the day. He dozed a little earlier, but he has been asleep for about half an hour. I made granola bars. Last night he was only slightly grumpy during what had been his ANGRY TIME. I am pretty excited to see what today is like.

I wish it would clear up and warm up so I could take him for a walk. I had been taking him for a few little walks a day. Mostly because he did not cry as much outside. But it has been really windycoldrainy here.

So far today I have been able to unload the dishwasher, wash dishes, make the bed, take out the garbage, make granola bars, and blog. I am going to try and put some laundry away and maybe even vacuum.

Last night..

was great. No really, GREAT! I don't know if it was a coincidence or what, but we gave him the Zantac at 8, and at 8:03 he stopped crying. THAT IS UNHEARD OF. He smiled the rest of the night. After about an hour and a half, Mister turned to me and said " I did not cry when he was born, but I could cry now just seeing him free of pain." Then he was joking around and said "Hi Xavier, it's nice to meet you but what did you do with Peter?"

Peter went to sleep with minimal soothing, and entertained himself quite happily for about a half an hour. Then in the night, he was quiet but I checked on him anyway- he had spit up all over himself, kicked off his blankets, AND had a full diaper. Any one of those things would have had him shrieking before. Instead he was just cooing and looking at his sheep.

Today has been very nice, Mister said the big test is how today goes, since last night could have been a fluke. Anyhow, I could not believe how happy he was last night.

ZANTAC!

Come to Mama, prescription drugs. I called the doctor again today and told them that we had tried non-medical treatment for five weeks and that we wanted the drugs. Thank God, because poor Peter is whimpering WHILE he is eating, and then throwing up and then is hungry and eats, but spits it up and eats, but after two go rounds I am EMPTY but he is HONGRY. Much crying ensues on both parts. He gets full, but it is somewhat like trying to fill a leaky bucket.

Mother's Day was great. he slept for four hours the night before, and I got seven hours total. We were two hours late for brunch, because we never bothered to set an alarm. Cause, when you are up every hour or so who needs an alarm? The rest was great, and the perfect Mother's Day present. Peter slept on the car ride there, and home and then ate and then slept while Mommy and Daddy celebrated their anniversary. Mister and I were married four years yesterday.

In our classic romantic BARRY WHITE style, Mister turned to me and said "You know, I can eat this Klondike Bar anytime and Peter is asleep." hee hee. Is it me or is that hysterically funny?

Leaving Peter on Saturday to go to the wedding was hard. I forced myself to do it, since I think it is important for me and Mister to have some kind of time alone and I want Peter to be comfortable with other people.

Last night was back to normal, NO SLEEP. Or not much, or so crappy it is almost like none. It's hard to say. Please baby Jesus, let the Zantac work. Please?

I have to add, Mister called his Mom and she was angry that we did not bring Peter to her house to be babysat. Why on Earth would I drag my baby over and hour away to a filthy house when I have people that will come watch him here? Mister caved and said we would bring him to visit. I am UNTHRILLED. And I got mad at my Mom yesterday too, I caught her walking with Peter. She is not allowed to carry him and I was very angry. She is quite unsteady on her feet and walks with a cane. Unless she does not FEEL like using her cane( hint- she likes to use her cane in public for attention. WHATEVER Mom. ) but she knows she is only allowed to hold the baby if she is sitting down. My Dad did not realize and Mom went over and took him. I was beyond pissed. It's not like I make up random rules for kicks. Mister did not even want Mom to hold Peter at all, because he is so strong and squirmy. I am pretty paranoid about that too actually.

Mister said that if Mom can't stay seated than we are going to have to tell her that she can't hold him at all. Mom is a fall risk herself, it is not safe for her or Peter. I am not looking forward to that conversation. I should not have to tell her more than once, but I have had to tell her three times already.

For You

On Mother's Day.

I promise, there will always be cookies and milk. There will always be a hug or a shoulder or the shirt off our backs. I promise to embarrass you by cheering the loudest, and clapping the longest. I promise to never be too busy. I promise to be your parent, and not your "friend" because that is what you need. Someday you will be a great, big, strong, HAIRY MAN-and when that day comes, I promise to let you go.

love,

Mama

Deedily do

He slept better last night with less screaming. I looked at that Healthy Sleep book online and turned all the lights out and the teevee off and then swaddled him. He slept for over two hours. Then sadly was up for three. He was happy as could be, laughing at his mobile and cooing for almost an hour, the other two were spent eating.

He just nodded off but seems restless. I think he'll be up again soon. But it was enough time for me to wash the dishes and make breakfast. And blog a tiny bit. I kept trying to log how much he slept, but I am just not coherent enough. Especially when I fall asleep feeding him or zone out.

But he does spend a lot more time happy now. Deliriously happy. And for whatever reason, he is a morning person. It's weird, we named him after my Dad who has NEVER slept well and is one of those people that gets up at 4, makes muffins, goes for a walk, sends email- etc. I think the Peter is going to be just like his Grandpa in that way. Mister and I are NOT morning people. I need to be up an hour before I am much good to anyone. I am forcing myself to change that, since if I leave stuff for later, later does not always come.

Maybe once he is old enough we can teach Mr. Morning to make coffee and pancakes. Or coffee and cold cereal. Whatever. As long as there is coffee.

We have been taking little walks during the day. Partly to try and get his days and nights straight, and partly because I am stir crazy and want to get out. He seems to enjoy the fresh air. I take him up and down the block, but not farther than that.

A sleep log.

I am going to try one. Because I really have no idea how much Peter is sleeping, but it does not seem like enough to me. Today and yesterday he slept an hour in the morning after getting up at 7. Then he stayed awake yesterday and today till twelve thirty. Then he slept yesterday for maybe three hours. Maybe four. I am so used to him sleeping fitfully that it takes me an hour to realize he is actually staying asleep. Then yesterday we could not get him to sleep till 11, and then he woke in the nights a few times but I was too tired to pay attention. His standard M.O. is to drift off and then wake up ten minutes later because he is poopy, or wet, or threw up or I tried to put him down or he is upset about Steve Perry never going on tour.

As far as I can tell, if we can't get him to sleep by eight, he fights it till almost midnight. So, no pressure really.

I have made the giant sacrifice of giving up caffeine in the hopes it will do SOMETHING. I am cutting back. Today I had one cup. I am allowed two, and his doctor said it was no problem. So far the only thing that it has changed is that I am exhausted by ten a.m. instead of by 3 p.m.

I met the other new mom on my street. She seems very nice, and her baby is beautiful. I am trying not to be jealous of her 35 MINUTE LABOR. Ummm, good luck to me. Anyhow, she has a four month old girl. She told me she is very excited that our kids will be able to play together. 35 MINUTES. WTF? Anyway, she seems nice, even though she is young, thin and HAD A 35 MINUTE LABOR.

Pleasant

Yesterday was nice. Peter was mostly happy and gave us sleep in three hour blocks. The only problem we had is that he was FAMISHED and was crying on the boob. He had been eating forever and was not satisfied. So we had to give him the milk I had expressed to save for Saturday. I hope that doesn't happen again or I will never be able to leave the house.

Back in the saddle again

Guess what we did? But it was more rip off the band-aid style then it was Barry White and rose petals. Peter WOULD NOT sleep and I spent the night with Sir Snuffs A Lot in the armchair. However, he nodded off at a quarter to five this morning and we went for it.

It was nice to be with Mister. It was nice for my body not to be in Mother Mode. It was nice to cuddle and then have coffee together. It was WEIRD to use a condom.

Peter is slowly improving, but now I have it. Score. I started Pump Fest 2010 in preparation for the wedding we are going to this weekend. Peter is not invited to this one. Which I totally understand, who wants to take the chance of a screaming baby on Your Most Special Day. Yet another reason why Auntie Andrea is awesome.

But we are going. I don't know how I will handle being separated from Peter for 8 hours. I think he will be fine, and I will be anxious.

What If I never believe this is real?

As one of the very lucky IFers that has reached their goal, I find I cannot relax into motherhood. I realized it two days ago while reading an email from my Dad about our plans for Mother's Day. He asked if we were coming to his house for Mother's Day or if we had other plans. I said I was fine with whatever and did not care. He emailed me back that it was my day too.

Well, I don't know. As sad and lonely and bitter as Mother's Day always made me, you would think it would have some kind of meaning for me on this my very first Mother's Day with an actual, alive baby.

You would think I would be hiring a band to play for me while I demand breakfast in bed and a parade or some jewelery that screams MOM. But no. I find there is no meaning in a day that was so fraught with it for years.

Maybe it is because my pregnancy seemed to teeter from one problem to the next and I never did believe Peter would get here breathing. I could not accept the possibility that I would come out on the other side of this with my heart's desire. How could I? After chasing a baby for over three years and demanding answers and changing everything about my life except my husband, I just could not believe I would be a mother.

The day to day demands of caring for Peter leave me little time to think of the SUPER DEEP MEANING OF MOTHERHOOD. Sometimes I have a moment when I see his little hand clinging to my shirt or the big smile he makes when he is almost done nursing and is snuggling into my chest. But mostly I am running running running just to keep up with his needs.

When we were at his first doctor's appointment the lactation consultant said to Peter "don't worry, Mama is right here." And I realized with no small amount of shock that she was talking about me. When my husband and I were pushing Peter in his bassinet down the hospital hallway, he said "this is our family". What if I never get used to it? What if I never believe this darling, cuddly, beautiful baby is ours forever? What if I always feel suspicious of motherhood?

I feel like an impostor. Like I still have nothing in common with the MOTHERS that Mother's Day is geared to. Because in my heart, my bitter infertile heart, this is not real yet.

What if one day, years from now I read this and do not recognize myself because I am comfortable wearing the name "Mom" and my baby is a happy, healthy adult? That would be truly conquering infertility.

http://www.resolve.org/infertility-overview/what-is-infertility/
RESOLVE National Infertility Association

Six week check up

I am great. My scar looks good, my blood pressure is good, my weight is great. I can exercise now. And I WANT to exercise because my stomach looks like it fell down. Not that my body was ever my best quality, but now it is best seen in the dark. As in, NOT SEEN AT ALL. I went upstairs to have some alone time with the mirror and tried on my lingerie. Well, my butt is much smaller and so is my waist. But THE BOOBS ARE LOW. LOW LOW LOW. Depressingly low.

Anyhow, my ob asked what we were going to do about birth control and I laughed. I can't help laughing. I could bathe in sperm and not get pregnant. She told me I was not to have a baby for another year and a half. I told her there was NO WAY I was waiting a year and a half. She gave me this shocked look, like where had her compliant patient gone? But clarified that I could not give birth for a year and a half, I could start trying when Peter was 9 months to a year.

Apparently it is bad to get pregnant too soon after a c-section because the scar tissue can open up. I told her I just could not take birth control seriously. She told me about a patient she had that got pregnant a few months after her c-section and when my ob opened her up. there was just webbing of the uterine tissue under the skin. Sooo Mister is now insisting on birth control. Because the ob was all "you and the baby could die", but I think the odds of that are pretty small.

Birth control? Come on now. SRSLY? FINE. Fine, I will go along with Dr. Forbidding and Scared Mister. But I refuse to think of it as any more than indulging them both.

The ob did say that she does not think I will have the same problems if we do have another. Which was nice to hear, if hard to believe. But I don't have to go back there for months till it is time for my annual.

Peter is still snuffy, and pitiful. I was so tired last night I was swaying on my feet and thought I might pass out. He was sooo tired but just too congested to sleep. So I would give him saline, take him into the bathroom and crank the shower, he would get comfortable enough to fall asleep and then the steam would get to me and we would have to leave. Then he would feel ok for a little bit and then back to snuffling and gurgling. I can't decide if this is better or worse than the screaming we had before.

My Dad and stepmom came down yesterday, and it was great. Peter slept on his grandma for hours and I got to fold laundry and FINALLY vacuum the stairs. If I sound like a loon talking about cleaning the stairs all the time, it's because our cats like to sleep on the stairs and they get coated in cat hair. Ick. Five cats= constant cleaning.

You know people have suggested to me that we might get rid of our cats now, and it makes me furious. They are part of our family and I am not going to toss them aside like they were a coping mechanism till I had my real baby. Fuck you people, they are my babies and THEY STAY. A pet is not something you toss away like a pair of pants.