Lunacy

Peter has been a handful and a half.  I am about to lose what is left of my mind.  RunrunrunurnrunCLIMBLEAPJUMPCLIMB.  It is all I can do to keep him alive and with no broken bones(yet).  I am flat out exhausted and used up by the end of every day.  He chases the cats and pokes them and squeezes them and teases them.  He climbs everything.  All day.  And in fact runs from the couch to the love seat to the chair to the coffee table.  Climbing constantly, like a pinball in a machine going back and forth.  What I am saying is that I am RUN RAGGED.  By ONE CHILD.  Heaven help me.  It's a wonderful problem to have but I am really afraid of what it will be like if Peter does not calm down.  he is out of his damn mind.  He headbutted me today.  He climbed onto the armchair and as I was reaching for him he fell off the side and landed head first.  I grabbed him by his feet. He looked very confused to be hanging upside down. 



MAH NERVES ARE SHOT. 

Short of putting him in a straight jacket I have no idea what to do with him.  All he seems to want to do each day is maim himself. 

I have not really had time to think about being pregnant.  I did not buy any meat this week, and that has helped my morning sickness problems.  And I have been taking two colace a day which is keeping my digestive tract working-sullenly.

Our poor cats.  Peter has to learn soon, right?  We have been trying to teach him to be gentle since freaking BIRTH.  Indiana hides under the couch, and the rest of the cats hide on the ledge of the couch.  Except Peter can reach them now.  And Thunder.  Holy fuck Moly.  He and Peter cannot be separated.  When Peter finally DOES leave Thunder alone, Thunder heads back over all " heeey what happened let's play HEY DON'T POKE/PULL/HEEEEY TAKE THAT SWAT!" And then repeat.  And repeat. 

You might think after a couple scratches that Peter would learn but no.  The cats are really saintly with him and tolerate a tremendous amount of bullshit.  So basically it is just me pulling Peter off them and them looking at me like" Why did you DO this to us? SIGH."  We started putting Peter in time out today though I question it's worth when he is not even one and a half.  And yet I see the looks Peter is giving me and Mr and it is clearly a look that says he knows he is being naughty. 

I am still not going back to tv though.  It's been 53 days with no tv and I feel like it has been a success.  A couple times I have been tempted, like today, but I just remind myself that it is not good for him and that he will benefit from this forever.  It's worth a bit of insanity. 

GD

And I don't mean God dammit.  Mr. and I are being proactive and starting the gestational diabetes diet today.  It is pretty difficult in that meat= THE ENEMY currently.  I cannot look at chicken or turkey or fish.  Forget eating them.  I can eat beef, as long as I don't have to look at it and can avoid thinking about it.  Sooooo baby steps.  I picked up skim milk for myself, we usually drink 2% because Mr. complains bitterly if I try to feed him "blue water".  And this week I am cooking mac and cheese with dreamfields pasta and a side of salad, cauliflower pie- which has a grated potato crust and a cauliflower filling with some cheese sprinkled on top, quesadillas with low carb tortillas and I got high protein cereal, and a dozen eggs.  I know I should have chicken or turkey, but I can't face it right now. 

I really for really don't want to get stupid GD again.  Mr. and I did a huge de-cluttering in our back office and this week are going to weed through Peter's toys to put the ones he has outgrown aside for the new baby.  We put a bookshelf downstairs for his manymany books.  I had them in a basket so he could help himself but the basket not cut  it anymore. 

Peter is napping so I should really hustle and get the groceries put away.

How it is different this time.

This pregnancy is so very different from the last time.  And the same.  But still enough to give me pause.  I have about the same level of morning sickness as I did with Peter, and I already hate chicken, like I did with Peter.  I am CONSTIPATED again, just like with Peter. 

But, I am showing and have been for for over a week.  Which is crazy.  I think it took till four months with Peter Pants.  We are going shopping this weekend, hopefully I can find something that will camouflage    the baby for another five weeks.  We are also calmer than we were with Peter.  Instead of being afraid, we are embracing this pregnancy in a way we never allowed ourselves to with Peter. 

Peter was pampered and so was  I.  This time around there is no time for pampering, not with a demanding and super active toddler in the house.  I sit as much as I can and Mr. has taken over some of my chores and more of the cooking.  The threat of potential bedrest looms ahead of us, but my ob said there is nothing we can do about it and that it would be more of a third trimester problem. 

But next week we are going back on the gestational diabetes diet, in the hopes that I will able to avoid GD this time.  My ob said the only thing I could  do was to watch my carbs, so this weekend we are going over a list of things to do and buy to make it easy for me during the day. Like boil seven eggs each week so I can have one for a snack. 

My ob was a much more BEWARE OF DOOM and get the first trimester screening done.  She said I could not go to my much loved ultrasound tech and I have to go back to those assclowns at Penn.  I hate them.  Or rather, the doctors are fine but the office staff and the billing department sucks donkey balls. 

Mr. and I started talking again last night about what we might do if we get bad test results back after the 12 week ultrasound.  He said he could not think about it till there was something to think about. Which I can understand.  Hopefully we will never have to reopen the discussion.  Even though our results would be more accurate with amnio or cvs we just cannot risk a 1/400 chance of miscarriage.  So bloodwork and an ultrasound only. 

I don't know how this post will end.

 On Thursday morning Mr. and I got the surprise of our lives.  A natural BFP.  We were shocked, elated, did I mention SHOCKED?  Peter could tell there was something going on and added to the melee by crying.  I did not have much time to process it, and called  the ob straight away to get my progesterone checked.  The first beta was 71 and my progesterone level was 21.

Since the first was Thursday we had to go to Quest( you suck Quest) on Saturday for a repeat.  When could I get my results?  HHHAHAAA MONDAY.  Soooooo, we are waiting on that.  And I have another beta and progesterone check on Monday.

I am writing this on early Sunday morning( How early?  4:06 a.m. because Peter Pants got up at 3 and I could not fall back to sleep.) I took another test just to check, and the line is darker and came up immediately.  So that made me feel a little safer till we get some hard numbers back.

I cannot believe this is happening.  I am scared it will stop happening.  Both Mr. and I are really still blown away. 

I feel compelled to add that I had four people tell me ( three at the doctors office and the lady at Quest) that this just happens after you have a hard time having your first one.  To which I wanted to reply STEP OFF WITH YOUR URBAN LEGEND VOODOO.

Except that I sit here as an Urban Legend. 

I am not sure when I am actually going to post this.  Assuming/hoping/praying that this continues and the baby is healthy, we would still want to wait to tell our family till after the what do you call it test.  After twelve weeks for sure.  The nuchal fold test, we would have to wait till after that.  Soooo many many weeks from now.  For you math genius's out there, this will in fact mean that if all goes well, we will have two children under TWO.

Sunday night.

Dear Baby,

We get our test results tomorrow.  And take more tests.  We hope you are still in there and  growing like a weed!  We think about you all the time.
Mommy and Daddy

I did not have the morning sickness today that I had yesterday.  I wish it would come back because then I would know something was going on.  It is EXTREMELY odd to not be that closely monitored like we were with the RE.  WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE????  I think if everything is still ok that we might score an early ultrasound with the Wand of Destiny because I can't really pin down when we conceived. 

Do you know I kept the pee stick and it is in our medicine cabinet? When I stop believing I go in and look at it.  And replay the phone call from our Dr with the first beta results telling us" you are definitely pregnant".  I repeat it in my head like a talisman against whatever whim of fate might take this miracle away from us.


 Beta #2 is 203- a doubling time of 31.67 hours!  And my progesterone went up to 22.8!  We will get the third beta results tomorrow.  And then my ob wants us to get more done on Wednesday and Friday.  So four hours of driving this week with Peter's nap totally jacked up but I hate Quest so much that I don't care.  I will get there as soon as they open.  And THEN give Peter juice so maybe he will be hopped up enough to make it home.

We are really happy.  And nervous.  And scared.  And cautious.  And freaked out.  But we can't help but be excited.

Tuesday morning 4 35 a.m.  Peter woke up crying and I can't get back to sleep.  For however many days running.   I think when I wake up in the night I have nothing to distract me and my mind just races. How is the baby?  Dead? Growing?  Healthy? Disabled?  Will the next results be bad? Good?  What about gestational diabetes?  How about high blood pressure? Will I have to go to the specialist again?

This baby is already not as pampered as Peter.  I have to lift my 23 pound toddler all the time.  Constantly.  If anything he has been clingier since we found out.  He must know something is up.  At least we got a canister vacuum just in case I did get pregnant again.  It's much easier to use than an upright.

What if I go on bed rest?


Well baby, it is just you and me here.  Or hopefully you and me.  I am waiting for yesterday's beta results and they called right around this time yesterday.  Sooo.  More staring at the phone and willing it to ring.
In honor of my delicate condition I both touched cat litter today AND lifted something too heavy.  YAY!  My husband( who is only human after all) forgot to take the cat litter and the rest of the garbage to the curb.  Y'all we have five cats.  The litter HAS to go out.  You can't be leaving that kind of time bomb ticking away in late June.  As an added joy, the garbage bag ripped open on the basement stairs scattering dirty litter and poo everywhere.  And THEN after I double bagged that shit(literally) it caught on the fence and ripped open AGAIN.  Joy to me.

What you might wonder was Peter doing during all this?  He was wailing in his crib where I had to put him because guess who learned how to pull electrical cords out of the wall and likes to whip them around like a lasso?  Yep.  Soooo a stress free morning, really.  Peter had a fifteen minute tantrum too.

But baby to be, we would love to have you join our family.  Temptingly as I just described it and all.  So please still be there, ok?

love,

Cranky Mommy

10 p.m. Tuesday night.  Baby's beta was 421, a doubling time of 44.06 hours.   My ob said she is pleased enough with the betas that I do not have to go back for two weeks till I have my first "real" appointment.

I will be posting this at that time.  Because so many people I know in The 3-D World read my blog now.  But we still will not be telling family till at least 12 weeks, assuming we make it that far.  Please let us make it?  Anyhow, I just could not stand my Mom fussing at me for 8 .5 months.  You people know she is a loon.

 Friday.  Nothing much is going on.  I have a slight feeling of queasiness but nothing major.  No bleeding, no problems.  STILL BE IN THERE, OK??? Only a majillion days to go till the next doctors appointment.  Or 13 days since we think I was five weeks yesterday.  So I want to go two weeks from yesterday which would put me smack on for seven weeks and a heartbeat.  Or smack on for heartbreak and depression.   But a heartbeat...Elizabeth from my RE told me that once there is a heartbeat there is a 90% chance of a live birth.


Soooo, I just called and made my first appointment.  It's at 10 a.m. on Tuesday July 19th.  Which is more than two weeks away but that is ok.  18 DAYS BITCHES.  I am sure it will fly.  Right.  Of course.  Well, off to do some laundry.

The 4th of July.  This time two years ago we were in the two week wait.  I feel ok.  A little tired.  I wish I felt worse.  I wish I had some symptoms to cling to so I would know everything was ok.  But here I am trucking along.  15 more days till my first appointment.  THAT IS HALF A MONTH AWAY.  A half a month??? THAT IS FOREVER.   Well, I am gonna go check on my neighbor, she hurt her leg and then I am gonna fill Peter's pool.  And I suppose keep working on all the laundry. Normal stuff.  Boring stuff.  WHAT IS GOING ON IN THERE???

The 5th.  I am EXHAUSTED.

 The 7th.  Six weeks today!  Hopefully.  I don't feel pregnant,  and sometimes forget this is happening.  Then when I remember it still seems unreal.  12 days till my doctor's appointment.  Please still be in there, ok?

Mr. and I feel a lot more secure about this pregnancy than we ever did with Peter.  And because we think we caught the egg late, we are both leaning toward GIRL.  In a move totally unlike us, we cracked the baby book open and read through every girl name to get our short list.  Which is pinned to the computer.   Scott would not even discuss names last time till we found out the sex, which was what? 20 weeks?  I don't remember. Sometime in October I think.

The 10th.  Nine days till my appointment.  I had a dream last night that Mr told people and I was happy and annoyed.  That was after a day spent at my sister in laws where we  almost told, but then didn't.  Supposedly I am six weeks and three days today.  But this morning I woke up convinced it was all over.  And there is no way to know.  I still do not feel pregnant.  I mean, I am tired but I am always tired from chasing Peter.  I am not nauseous anymore.  I feel fine.  I forget this is happening everyday and am surprised anew when something reminds me. 

Every time I go to the bathroom I look for blood on the toilet paper and am surprised not to find it.

Well last night there was something on the t.p.  I don't really know, just a very slight tinge of discoloration.  But then I kept checking off and on and it went away.  In what was a questionable choice, we had some couple time this morning.  And everything was fine.  I was a little afraid to do it,  but I also knew that not doing it would not change anything if something had gone wrong.

The 12th.  Last night I saw a little coloration again on the toilet paper.  I guess if I see some tonight then it will be a pattern.  It always goes away. You would really only notice if you were a paranoid infertile.

In other news, WTF I am showing. Or at least, I have not gained weight but AM redistributed.  Maybe my uterus is pushing stuff up and out of the way?  I don't feel bloated.  At least the change in my body helps me think things are still ok.  My appointment is a week from today.  THANK GOODNESS.

The 13th.  FIVE days til my appointment.    I am sure Monday will be the worst because the day will just drag and drag.  Like a Monday does.   My sister is coming to stay this weekend, which I guess will be the acid test of Fat OR Pregnant?  It depends what I am wearing.  Naked I just look fat, but with my clothes on  I look pregnant.  Maybe when I am naked I am just distracted from all the c-section droopy horribleness. 

I really for real do not want my sister to find out yet.  Because if something goes wrong I don't want to deal with her.  And I can't listen to her chant I  HOPE IT'S A GIRLLLLLLLLLLL for the next 33 weeks.  I hope it's a BABY.

Thursday the 14th.  Well, we had some excitement here last night and I was spotting some.  Nice and Santa red.    And I had a lower backache.  I called this morning and they had me come in.  It was awesome trying to convince Peter to get ready to leave.  I put one shoe on and move to the other shoe, he takes the first shoe off  lather, rinse, repeat.  And it was equally awesome when we waiting and he was trying to gnaw on the stirrups.  My doctor did not see any blood while I was there and told me 20% of women have spotting during pregnancy with no problems.  She wheeled out the ultrasound machine ( I did not even know they had one, with Peter they always sent me elsewhere for one) and she was able to see the baby.  She saw the sack and a flicker for the heartbeat. Which was a relief. She said the baby is measuring maybe six and a half weeks.  And there is just one in there.

Saturday the 16th.  Tired.  So tired.  We were up at seven and took Peter berry picking.  We got blackberries, raspberries and blueberries.  I have a blueberry pie all set to go in the oven in a few minutes. We also did yard work and Peter played with his mud machine  water table.  Then he went in his pool.  I pooped the biggest poop ever today and look less pregnant.  Which is great since my sister who REALLY A LOT WANTS A NIECE is visiting and is forever campaigning for us to have another.  She did give me one sharp glance but hopefully she just thinks I'm fatter.

Monday the  18th.  I can't believe it's almost tomorrow.  My first appointment.  It's at ten a.m.  If everything goes well, I'll post this blog then.  If everything goes poorly, I'll probably still post this blog then.  I don't want to stop writing because once I do, that is it until tomorrow.  Which makes me feel nervous.

A reminder to all my much loved friends that read this blog.  This baby is a SECRET for at least five more weeks, if possible.  I need that time and space to feel safe and as much as I love the fam, they are going to make me crazy.  I need to make it to 12 weeks and the nuchal fold test.  NO FACEBOOK CHAT.  Do not make me hunt you down in a haze of hormones. 


Soooo the appointment went great, unless you count that I gained two and a half pounds over the weekend.  Oops.  The baby looks good and my estimated due date is March 5th. 

Great. And Terrible.

A great day.  A horrible day.  Does that equal out to a moderately ok day?  Peter was up at six a.m..  Boo.  But since we were all up, Mr. made blueberry pancakes.  Yay!  My neighbor came over to visit and we had fun. Yay! Peter took a forty five minute nap.  BOO.  I got only got halfway done with cooking dinner before Peter woke up.  Boo.  I was able to finish while holding a sulky Peter.  Yay! I took Peter out to the pool for an hour. YAY!  He was filthy and needed a bath but was tired and cranky so threw a fit while I put him in his crib to get the tub ready.  Boo.  When I went in( three minutes? TWO minutes??) later to undress him I stepped on something.  Something that was POOP.  PETER TOOK SOME POOP OUT OF HIS DIAPER AND THREW IT ON THE FLOOR WHERE I THEN STEPPED ON IT.  WTF PETER?  Then he continued tantruming while I washed my feet and lysoled the carpet and looked for more poop.  BOO TO THE MAX.  Then I put him in the tub where he played nicely.  Then I tried to call Mr to cancel his chiropractors appointment because after stepping in shit, I needed a break.  As always Mr.'s phone was on silent.  Peter continued his reign of terror, throwing dvds and pulling Thunder's tail and fuss fuss fussing.  BOO. I threw him in the stroller for a half hour in the 93 degree heat in a quest to retain my shreds of sanity.  Mr. came home and told me his day was not that great either.  I asked him if anyone shit in his office? 

Now Peter is asleep and our neighbor is bringing us twisty cones.  With sprinkles.  And then we will watch Star Trek and laugh. 

It's good to know I am still me.

The me that stayed up til 2 a.m. reading has been replaced by the me that makes it about two pages before falling asleep. 

The me that lived on Doritos, Tastykakes, and coffee while sitting on the couch has been replaced by the me that lives on tap water,lean meat, and veggies while sitting at the table.

The me that wanted a baby more than anything has a wonderful, beautiful, loving and insane little boy who regularly climbs the cat tree and lays across it like Superman.

The me who hated Breeders- STILL HATES BREEDERS.  Ick.  It is 95 degrees here and humid. It's nasty.  Soooo we went for a walk at eight this morning to beat the heat and then frittered around.  I decided to take Peter to the library and it was Chock Full O'Breeders.  This library is usually a ghost town, but they have a summer reading program.  It gave me a full on flashback to the seven years I worked at Bor.ders and the misery of story time.  Fuck ALL, did I hate Tuesday mornings.  I actually told my boss that I would quit before I did story time.  Which was true.  Ugh. 

Anyhow, they were all there and I was trying to ignore them but they were everywhere, except of course watching their kids.  I'm not really going anywhere with this, it's not like anything happened.  But I just was annoyed by them.  We have nothing in common.  I might as well have been at a Sa.rah Pal.in rally. 

I suppose it would have been good for Peter, but I could not stand being around them.  I did feel bad taking him home but those women just get on my nerves. 

The cutest thing in the world

Has got to be Peter dancing with glee as he eats cookies.  Or possibly it was after dinner when he laughed UPROARIOUSLY every time I said "magenta".  Or possibly it is when he hides a toy in my shoe or the recycling bucket.  We are having a lovely, lovely summer.  Lots of walks, lots of time at the park, lots of time in his pool.  Lots of visiting with the fam.