Tomorrow I will get a peek.

Wheee!  My friend and her baby are coming over tomorrow.  I'll see for real what it will be like to have a baby and Peter.  I recall the last visit, where it went very smoothly.  Of course, for a large part of the time

A. Peter was napping.
B. There were three adults to two children.

Ahahahahahah as opposed to just me and Peter and our poor baby who is ALREADY getting the short end of the stick. GAH, when I was pregnant with Peter Pants it was so different.  A lot more rest and a lot less running around like an a-hole.  We are thrilled about this baby but I won't lie.  I am pretty freaking freaked out about Mr. BORN TO RUN and a newborn. 

Do you know I forget that I am pregnant?  Then I remember.  So weird.    I have to go to bed so I can get the fuck up at fucking five so I can sweep and mop and fold laundry.  My body craps out by nine, so I have been doing stuff like dishes and laundry early in the morning.

I took Peter to the peds today.  He has some really nasty mosquito bites.  Now he is on antibiotics, benedryl and hydrocortisone.  Poor monkey.  They said that some people just have really bad reactions.  I had to keep him inside after 5 30 so he would not get more bites at dusk and he just stared mournfully outside.  It was so sad. 

Storm recap

Well we are all done with Irene, except for cleanup.  I have to clean out the fridge and freezer since we lost power for 17 hours and I just feel squeemy about keeping stuff.  I mean, salsa and mustard yes, mayo and sour cream NO.  Peter is napping after a busy morning of playing and our first post storm walk. 

Peter was a total champ about the gabillion errands( fine three a day all week but in toddler time that is a gabillion) and to be honest his life was not affected in the slightest by the storm.  Mr. and I were exhausted from all the prep and taking apart the yard, figuring out what we could eat, cleaning, and erranding.  I went to the grocery store five times last week.  Sheesh.  And we are headed back today to replace the stuff we lost and get a slackass dinner. Hot dogs and baked beans, a Peter favorite and easy on me since I have to clean out the fridge and freezer as soon as I finish this.

We are having company for dinner tonight too, since I happen to know my neighbor LOVES hot dogs. And I am going to try and slap together some chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Or maybe I will buy some since there is no need for heroics. 

I have to say, here in no tv land I am so thankful that Peter does not watch.  Because with no power his life went on as if nothing had changed.  He played with his toys just like any other day.  Or maybe better than any other day since he had our complete attention all day because we had busted our asses doing all our chores the day before. 

I do wonder what it will be like having two children and not allowing tv.  Hopefully Peter will have matured enough in the next six months to color and do puzzles while I nurse the new baby.  I am 13 weeks today.  I think my next ob appointment is sometime in the next two weeks.  We have a ton of doctors appointments coming up.  All three of us see the dentist this month, I see the ob and the high risk people for blood work, Peter will have his 18 month appointment and hopefully that is it, because that is a darn lot of running around( and co pays). 

That's a frickin huge picture.

But I don't know how to change that, and who cares anyhow?   Well, if you are infertile and stumbled across my blog for the first time,  that does suck. I'm sorry, and I'll get my husband to shrink and move the picture tomorrow.  I am a techno-dope, it's a miracle I got the picture up at all. 

I'm a little delirious because I was so scared last night that I only slept from 11 p.m. to 3 a.m.   The baby appeared to be growing fine, but they were unable to get an exact measurement of the neck for the NT scan, because the baby would not cooperate.  Just like it's Mama.  Anyhow, they drew my blood and have me going back in four weeks for another blood draw and said that is the best they can do since we refused an amnio or cvs.  Personally, I think the baby's picture looks different from Peter's at that age.  Mr. said of course it looks different because it is a different person.  We did get to see the baby waving it's arm and opening it's mouth.  Peter was pretty well behaved all things considered. 

They really REALLY make you talk about if you would terminate.  Now I would never ever presume to be such an ass/bitch/cold hearted/ black and white/Red Queen MY WAY IS THE ONLY WAY person and say medical termination is wrong.  No.  But we just could not consider it.( You a-holes that harass women at abortion clinics- do not think for a second I am on your myopic side cause I would cheerfully kick your asses)  So, having had to make that very unfun decision I just want to be done with it and not have to keep repeating it.  Because there is some scary shit out there that can go wrong. 

After the non-NT test we took Peter to Chik Fil.A. and let him run free in the play thingy. Which he loved. And it's only 1 p.m.  Peter is up, so I have to go.

Worry.

Tomorrow morning is my NT scan.  The closer it gets the more panicked I feel.  Now Peter  is napping and I am alone with my worries.  It's such a scrambled worry.  Everything is all tangled together.  See the baby!  What if the baby is dead? Get a picture!  Of our dead baby. The baby is fine! The baby is not fine.  What if the baby has something wrong with it?  I have a whole separate set of worries for that.  Mr. and I are avoiding the subject of what will happen if something is wrong. But I am full of worries about it. 

Mr. does NOT handle high needs people well.  We talked about it and he hopes that he would find the strength to handle it.  Peter's acid reflux craziness and horrible sleep habits almost broke Mr. and put a huge strain on our marriage.   How would a child that never gained much independence affect our family and marriage?  I know what it is like to care for a full sized adult that needs to be fed and diapered and bathed and managed, wrangling their doctors and insurance and everything.   It's never ending.

I don't have any answers to this, nor am I expecting any.  We are going to just play out the hand we are dealt.  I am NOT one of those people who put their trust in God and just go about their day floating on some little prayer cloud thinking that A. Some Almighty God will protect them magically or that B God does not give you more than you can handle. Or C. That love will find a way, yadda yadda.  Prayer sure, if you want it. Prayer as a Magickal Forcefield?  Thanks, but I'm not buying.  He might have his eye on the sparrow, but that does not mean shit is not gonna hit the fan in your own life.  I remember someone told me that I was meant to lose our first baby, because how could I take care of my Mother and be pregnant, or take care of my Mother and an infant?  Now that is true it would have been insane trying to do both, but it is still fucked up to say to someone and given the choice I would have chosen an ALIVE baby, no matter how crazy it made my life.

We talked about it and there is no reason we can think of good enough to risk an amnio or cvs.  Not with the 1/400 chance of miscarriage.  I guess I want to get how I feel out there to keep myself honest, if something is wrong I can look back at this and remind myself that we knew the risks of an older pregnancy and that we wanted it anyway.  And that good or bad we knew we wanted this child.  And if the news is good, I want to have this out there so that when I am forty and if I am thinking about trying one last time, that I will remember the helpless feeling of wondering if random chance ( not God people, random biological chance) has determined our child will have a different kind of life than we might have chosen.   Whheeee, while I am typing this we just had a tiny earthquake.  Mr called to check on me and I am glad because I thought I was hallucinating. 

Anyhow I have to go do laundry because even chock full o' angst, dirty clothes have to get washed and dinner has to get cooked.

PSA

I don't normally do this, but I bought some Better Oats Oat Revolution oatmeal and it was AWESOME.  I think I have to put something in here about how I am not a shill for their company.  I just was very impressed.  I have tried A LOT of oatmeal brands.  Instant, quick cooking, regular, some different organic brands like Uncle Sam and  Bob's Mills, store brands, and of course Big Daddy Quaker.  I have made it in the microwave, and on the stove top. The only way I never tried was that super crazy soak over night make it in your crockpot I grow my own AIR and bake my own EVERYTHING way.  Forget that. If I was going to spend that much time and make that many dishes I want some darn cinnamon rolls or chipped beef on toast.   I have NEVER had any that turned out as good as this brand.

It was amazing.  I can make some pretty good oatmeal, but no matter what it is always heavy.  No matter what method or brand.  This was light and did not turn to cement as it cooled like Big Daddy Quaker.  I bought two kinds, maple and apple cinnamon.  Both had an excellent texture, though I preferred the stronger taste of the apple cinnamon.  However, once I added some raisins to the maple oatmeal, it was excellent.  The fact that it turns out this beautifully after 90 seconds in the microwave CANNOT be overemphasized- you know how active my son is and 90 seconds is about how much time I have before he breaks his arm/shaves the cat/starts a coup.

And it was super cheap.  Five packages in a box and on sale for 1.35 AND bogo.  So that works out to 13.5 cents a serving.  Even without the bogo, at .27 cents a serving that is still cheap.  Especially if you compare it to stopping for a bagel.   For comparison my husband had organic granola from Cascadian Farms and it was .57 cents a serving.  But I made him try the oatmeal and he really liked it.  My son AKA Mr. Picky loved it and ate half the bowl which made me very happy considering he usually appears to live off air. 

It was 90 seconds in the microwave and then I added a splash( maybe a tablespoon) of whole milk.  And the packaging is very smart, taking up very little room in my tiny kitchen and the box is recyclable. 

I am going to go back to the store on Thursday and pick up one of each flavor.  Would I be happier if it was organic and labeled gmo free?  Oh yeah, but I am still very happy with this product.

12 weeks.

So beat.  Beyond beat.  I pushed myself too hard today.  My sister ( and Mom sigh) came down today to entertain Peter while Mr. and I did big stuff.  Like take apart the cabinet we can't baby proof and pack away all our crystal that we never use and move all the dishes around  and clean out the breakfront that we ALSO can't babyproof.   We crapped out after dinner, and still have some cabinet sorting to do in the kitchen.  Ugh.  I did too much and I could feel some tightening in my stomach.  So I just stopped everything and have been laying on the couch for about two hours. 

I am headed off to bed. Where I suppose I will just heave the four loads of laundry I washed today into a huge pile and deal with it....someday.

The NT scan is Wednesday morning. 

Fat or Pregnant, BONUS ROUND.

I have to take Mom to the doctor today.  My sister thinks Mom will notice. I told her Mom is too self involved to notice.  They changed some of Moms meds, and instead of taking a daily pill she goes in for a weekly shot.  My sister has been taking off once a week to take her but obviously she can't do that forever.  I took Mom maybe two or three weeks ago. It took FOREVER aka and hour and a half. Hopefully today will be faster.  My sister has FMLA for Mom, but you have to use up all your vacay and personal time first.  Plus, I mean really it is not like Peter and I are busy.  Though carting Peter up there and then to the doctors office and then back to my sisters and then home is not as awesome as it sounds.

We are staying for dinner, pizza and cupcakes.  I do love a good cupcake.  Hello, who doesn't?  My sister has looked into other ways to get Mom to her appointment but it 135 dollars each time for medical transport.  Sooooo that is crazypants and no way.  I just ate some spaghetti, but now it is time for second lunch.  BECAUSE I AM A HOBBIT. 



Swell, I won the Bonus Round, but Mom is coming down with my sister this weekend.  Great.  

Nice

Mr and I had some grownup time this morning and I had some bleeding after.  So Peter and I are headed off to the doctors. Though I really feel like everything is fine.  But off we go. 

 Home again, home again.  Everything was fine, just like I actually thought for once.  They said no sex for a week and that it was because my cervix was just easily bothered.  They said it more medically or whatever.

 On the plus side, I got to hear the heartbeat again.  Eight days til the 12 week ultrasound.

Telling.

I did not want to.  I SO did not want to.  But I knew Mr really did want to  and it is his baby too.  But I can't shake the fear that the baby will die and then on top of that I will have to deal with my family.  Frankly, I don't want them comforting me over a loss or worse pretending to comfort me and yet needing me to take care of them.  MOM.  I MEAN YOU MOM.    I am pretty private about that kind of thing.  Which sounds odd in that I have a blog where I write about everything, but I know for a 100% certain fact that I would never EVER want to have someone crying all over me if something like that happened.  I wish I could have hidden the baby till it was born. 

Anyhow Mr. had this tone where if I did not want to tell then I was a totally irrational loon, and he told me I had never gotten over our miscarriage.  I think that is partially true, I mean I don't sit around crying about it, but I never felt safe while pregnant with Peter and I don't really feel safe now.  I'm not as paranoid as I was last time, but it is still there.  I do think about the baby that wasn't, not a lot but I do.  That child would be four this October.  Imagine? 

Peter has taken a kick ass 20 minute nap, so we are going to go back out and finish our errands.  My sister was very excited and my parents were too.  My sister wanted to tell the world RIGHT THAT SECOND, but I said no.  We are waiting to tell Mr's side of the family for a few weeks, since we don't see them as regularly.

I FUCKING HATE LION, YOU MAC ASSBAGS.

That is all. 

Heartbeat.

I heard it.  So that is awesome.  Though honestly this pregnancy does not seem real to me yet and the  fact that there is an actual, ALIVE baby in there is hard for me to comprehend.  13 days till the 12 week YOU ARE OLD SO OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH YOUR BAYBEE ultrasound. 

I don't hear Peter crying any more, I think.  No, he is snuffling.  Hopefully he will take at least a short nap.  He was up in the night three times, and then I gave up at five or six and declared it morning.  Then he took a teeny nap in the car on the way to the doctor.  Where he had an AWESOME tantrum.  I had to call the receptionist from outside and explain that I was there but would be a few minutes.  Anyhow, it is after 3 p.m. and it is gonna be a loooooooong afternoon if Capn Cranky does not get some sleep.

Gloom and doom

That's how I woke up.  Sometimes I have a good day and feel like everything will be fine.  Sometimes I have a bad day and feel like this will all go away.  Thank goodness I am headed in tomorrow.  I was so positive the baby was going to be dead when I woke up that I was planning out what to do with Peter while Mr. and I waited for a d&c.  Peter Pants is up, so off I go.

Everyone's faaaaaaavorite game show. Fat or Pregnant?

We had a lovely weekend, and took Peter up to Lake O.wasco to visit his cousins and he had the best time.  There was so much to see!  Hummingbirds and fish and and water to play in and a dog to chase and lots of flowers to smell!  It was a looooong drive.  We left at 5 30 a.m. and did not pull in till 12 30 p.m. All the stops( pee, gas, pee,lunch, pee, drugstore)really extended it. It was a really rustic house.  Lovely, but a bit more back to nature than I might chose.  Spiders O'PLENTY.  And as Mr casually mentioned to me, "hey did you see the bat in our room?" You can imagine how that went. 

Nobody called me out, though I was wearing maternity clothes and am definitely round.  AYM and Mr say that people are just not gonna ask.  I felt like after this weekend I could relax and just wait the two weeks till the 12 week u/s but Mr was talking to my Dad this morning and they want us to come up this weekend. 

So I told Mr that I was afraid and he said that if something had gone wrong I would know.  And I told him no way, sometimes the baby dies and you go weeks without knowing.  Sooooo I called my ob.

It went like this. RING RING.
"Hello this is Karen"
" Hi Karen, this is Celia. Ummm.  I'll just be honest with you because I know you get a lot of crazy pregnant women calling you. Huge laugh from Karen. Sooooo, I don't like to tell for as long as possible because I am so afraid of miscarriage.  But I think my family suspects."
" Your family suspects what?"
'Well, you know, that I'm pregnant.  Have you ever seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding? That's us, but Irish and Austrian." More laughing from Karen.  Annnyhow, I am so afraid to get cornered and tell them that there is a baby, and then have there NOT be a baby.  Is there anyway I can come in and hear the doppler machine before I go up?   I mean, there is no reason to think there is anything wrong, I am just paranoid. "
' Well, let's see.  I will schedule you for a problem visit...I butted in, but there is not a problem I am just a chicken Well, that IS a problem, so that's what we'll schedule you for.'

Oh man, I was so happy.  Sooo, anyhow I am going in for a no good reason appointment scheduled by Super Karen at 12 30 on Thursday.

I thanked her so much, and said I just did not understand those women that see a positive test and go to Tar.get and spend 200 bucks on onesies. 


The house is crazy right now, with half unpacked suitcases and dirty sippy cups.  Peter is asleep and I have to get cracking or he will wake up and nothing will be done.

What we did differently this time.

I was asked by another blogger what we did differently this time.  It's a short question with a long answer. My husband and I live so differently now than when we did when we first tried to have a baby.  In our first year of trying, right when I was hitting the 12 month make an appointment with your gyno there is a problem month,  we got pregnant.  It was amazing.  Never before or since have I felt or allowed myself to feel such instant joy.  Which turned to sorrow.  It was a blighted ovum.  At that point I got pretty depressed.  But then I got to work.  Slowly.  Before we conceived Peter, I lost ummm maybe 30 pounds? Maybe more.  My RE was adamant that I needed to weigh a certain amount before any baby making take place.  I also had a polyp removed.  And began taking thyroid medication and metformin because we found out I had PCOS as well as a daily baby aspirin, vitamin c, fish oil twice a day and vitamin e twice a week.  My husband also had bad morphology.
His post wash count for the iui that produced Peter was under 100,000.

So I had PCOS, a polyp, high cholesterol ,an underactive thyroid, and was ( as my RE put it ) OBBBBEEEEEEEESSSSEE. At least that was how I heard it coming out of his mouth.  All I'm saying is, telling someone they are obese in front of the person they are supposed to have sex with is...a bad idea.  Because I would hear it in my head all the time.  You are obbbbbbbeeeeeeeeseeeeee.

Mr. had bad morphology.  Baby= Mission Impossible.   As soon as I started taking Metformin my period got much more regular.  And I began losing a pound a week.  Miraculous.  Sadly, I still had my PCOS stashe.  Nice.

Anyhow, I also began switching to organic foods and cleaners.  We had Peter.  I had to take progesterone with Peter.

After Peter I would openly laugh at anyone who suggested we might get pregnant from sex.  Hilarious.   But I also knew I had to get down to the weight I was before Peter or I would waste a lot of  fucking money time at the RE.  Because I knew I would get my cholesterol checked and if that and my weight were not where they should be then it would be back to the nutritionist while I got older and older and older.  And paid co-pay  after co-pay after co-pay. 

Mr. has terrible acid reflux, so while previously when trying for Peter he would not follow the RE's advice of a vitamin, and extra vitamin c and no more than two beers a week, he FINALLY had to stop all beer drinking.  Not that he had an alcohol problem, he would just maybe have ummm four beers a week.  At bowling league he would have two with the guys and then on the weekend he would have one on Saturday and Sunday.  Or maybe five.  Not too bad spread out over a week, but CERTAINLY more than he was supposed to have.  Which pissed me off, considering I could not freaking eat ANYTHING or drink while on Met and Mr. I Want To Do  My Thing changes nothing.  Aggravating. 

So anyhow, when I went to see my ob for a MIA period, I begged her to let me go back on Met.

*Other bloggers I know were KEPT on Met while pregnant and I assume while nursing and did NOT develop gestational diabetes.  I was taken off Met immediately and got GD late in the 2nd trimester.  But I trusted my dr and still do, and I am off it for this pregnancy too. *

I told my ob that while I had had no problem getting the actual baby weight off, while home with Peter the first year I gained 27 pounds.  I was so sad.  And I explained that waiting to go on Met would just make medically assisted TTC take longer and couldn't I please go back on it.  And she gave me a prescription.  Thank goodness.  Soooo anyhow, as soon as I went back on Met my period regulated. I was also still taking my baby aspirin, etc. 

I was steadily losing weight.  Thank goodness.  I was pretty sure I was ovulating too. And I was exercising, because basically I have no choice with Peter.  He has to go outside or he explodes with boyness. Then my Mom came to visit and at the same time I got The Death Flu.  I lost ten pounds from the Death Flu, and kept five off.  In between the Death Flu and Mom's visit there was not a whole lot of sex going on.  By which I mean NONE.   After she left and I felt better we had what I guess I would describe as single people sex?  Much more frequent than normal for us.  I feel like the sudden weight drop of the Death Flu pushed me to ovulate late and then the timing was just right.  Somehow.  I don't know how.  It was the biggest shock ever. 

So I think the only way to handle PCOS when you are TTC on your own, is aggressively.  Diet and my archenemy EXERCISE. And Met.  Because PCOS is a dirty bitch and does not play fair.  I wish I could say we did something concrete.  I really think it was just pure chance.  I don't believe in miracles because that would imply there is a reason other people are NOT getting pregnant.  Eff that. 

Go to sleep.

Please.  Please?  Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease.  Because I am tired.  I got my first fasting blood sugar test this morning.  And they checked my thyroid and for umm that cat thing.  You know, from the litter.  It escapes my mind and I am too lazy to google.  Peter is NOT in the mood for a nap.  He is in his crib talking and shrieking and crying and just carrying on in general.  But I am so tired.  I really need him to nap today so I can rest and tidy up and start dinner. I am resting/blogging first. 

Soooooo here we are at 9 weeks yesterday. NOW HE IS JUMPING IN HIS CRIB. I can't believe it. Mr is so excited.  I am still cautious.  And excited, but mainly cautious.  STILL JUMPING.  Now crying.  Next week we will be a quarter done.  Wow. I feel like I am playing a daily game show called Fat or Pregnant.  I have been digging through my closet looking for clothes that make me look just plain fat.  It's a great morale booster.   We went to Motherhoo.d Ma.ternity on Saturday because I needed to.  Which is insane.  I was able to hide Peter for MONTHS.  I checked my blog and I was not showing till October. 

This weekend we are going to my Aunt and Uncle's in upstate New York for the night. I just need to squeak out three more weeks.  I don't know if I can though.  I am NOT looking forward to this trip.  HELL NO.  I hate to ride in the car in general.  Riding in the car while pregnant for four hours with our toddler is going to suck le balls.  After about a half hour I get squirmy.  Mostly because we have Peter in the center of the back seat which means I don't have enough leg room. STILL CRYING.  NO ONE LOVES HIM.  HE IS ALONE.  WHY DO I HATE HIM?  HE JUST WANTS TO PLAY.  Oooooohoooowah.  Anyway once we get there it will probably be crazy NOW GROWLING IN ANGER because there is a lake with a dock and we will have to be even more on top of him than normal.  However, we learned from our trip to Hershey's.  We are leaving super crazy pants early and then Peter will go in the lake and THEN before bed he will get an advil nightcap.  Because the next day we have another four hour drive home and that would be even worse if Mr. and I don't get any sleep.

Do I sound like I don't want to go?  I don't really.  But I do want Peter to have time with his extended family.  And I know we have to start sometime. 

Two weeks till my next appointment and three till the 12 week scan.