Remember that A- Hole I work with that would

not come in to cover my shift when Mister was headed to the hospital? WELL, she has got to be the most clueless ass in the TRI-STATE AREA. Because, she wants to Friend me on Facebook. I KNEW I should have had a no work friends rule on Facebook, except that I do like my co-workers. And she is the only one I actually loathe. AND SHE IS TOO DUMB TO KNOW IT. JEEZUS.

Sooooo, since she is clearly too dumb to realize:
A. I hate her forever.(Personally and professionally)
B. I am out to get her. (According to the rules, no sabotauge- she sucks enough without my help)
C. I will clap and dance when she no longer works there.
D. I hold a grudge and nurse it and pet it and fertilize it. THERE IS NO GOING BACK FROM"You know, I just want to enjoy the rest of my night off" When my own personal, HUSBAND is headed to the E.R. Do you really think I am ok with that? Clearly you do, moron. AND YOU ARE WRONG. So freakin wrong.

So anyhow, because she is the kind of person who cries at work( everyone knows if you have to cry at work you are supposed to hide in the bathroom) I was kind of hoping to just avoid her. But I draw the line at Friending her sorry ass.

Unless I Friended her and then told everyone who she was. Which would be enjoyable but I think I could get into work trouble for that.

Do I need to tell her? I work with her every day. I am the store trainer and have to model good behavior at work. I have read the handbook maybe 200 times over the last few years, and while they have an internet policy as far as blogging about work( which I follow), and such they have not got a clear cut policy for this. I am pretty sure I could make her eat a big, steaming scoop of crap if I wanted.

What would you do? I am leaning to just denying her and seeing if she is smart enough to realize that maybe, just maybe I am only exactly as nice to her as I have to be and that is it. Then if she asked( likely because clearly she has ZERO self-awareness) I could tell her I don't like her. Which I think might really make a mini stink. But frankly I am bitter as hell that she stayed home" enjoying the remainder of her day off" instead of coming in so I could leave for the hospital right away and my other co- worker would not have to work a 13 hour shift. Which she did do. Thanks again, Andrea. That girl( Not Andrea, Andrea is a rock star) has been a terrible co-worker. Lazy, incapable of making decisions, etc. Anyhow, I am all for playing nice. To a point.

July's budget

Well now, somehow we squeezed the budget enough to pay every medical bill except the ambulance bill. It's seven hundred dollars, but we have to forward it to Cigna and then they pay and we pay the leftover. Not trying to get knocked up in July( I suppose we could try regular old sex- LOL) is helping. And we still get to see Harry Potter. But everything else is out. No entertainment budget for July.

Mister informed me that I am Not Allowed To Buy So Much As A Cup Of Coffee outside the house. Which is fine. Ok sad. But ever since I read that non-organic milk can have pus in it, I have not wanted coffee outside the house. Gross.

Is this the part of the 2WW where everyone is convinced it didn't work? Or am I just being realistic? EIGHT MORE DAYS TILL TESTING. Tomorrow I go in so they can check my lining. Yesterday I briefly allowed myself to dream that it worked. I imagined the phone call. Then I smacked myself around a bit. Am I being overly negative or just practical?

Thank goodness this month we get rid of a car payment. August was supposed to be our party month because we were going to have soo much extra. EPIC FAIL. Well, it's not the end of the world. We'll just have to celebrate in September.

Mr. Naughtypants is in T.R.O.U.B.L.E.

Somehow, I don't know HOW- he reduced my blog to the size of a newspaper column. I can't read it, it's so tiny. Does it show up normal for people reading it? IDK.


The 2WW is going fine. I am too tired from the progesterone to care much about anything. Which as far as I'm concerned is a plus. Also, I don't really think it worked. It would be too early to know, clearly. I think if I ovulated Thursday into Friday then it would not even implant until tomorrow.

Mister has been very sweet and has taken very good care of me. I think he was very impressed/freaked out by Mighty Progesterone when he saw how tired it really makes me. I don't even remember him coming to bed last night. I could have had a troop of dancing clowns jumping around in the bedroom for all I would have noticed.

I am still feeling off my game. I really need to do some laundry and dishes today. Thank God we are having pizza for dinner.

Mister and I are going to talk about our July budget tonight. It's not gonna be pretty. We have decided for sure to take next month off so we won't have debt from this months medical bills hanging over us. We could have put it on our credit cards, but we don't believe in using them anymore. So we are sticking to our guns. We are gonna hack emergency fund, and then carve the rest of it from July's entertainment budget.

So July will be like this
chirp chirp
cricket cricket
EFF IT HARRY POTTER IN IMAX
back to crickets
And then instead of having fun in August like we planned, we are going to have to re-build our emergency fund. But we are committed to a debt free life. Being infertile and being debt free is FUCKIN PAINFUL. We canceled our vacation plans. Stupid grown-up financial responsibility.

Progesterone strong. Celia weak.

The progesterone is killing me. I am so thankful that I busted my ass and cleaned the house before I started taking it. I was so tired yesterday that I had to sit down in Borders Bookstore and rest. It was sit down or fall down I was so tired. Then I called Mister on my cell and told him where to find me. Bad times.

There better be a baby cooking, because I am miserable.

No sex tonight!

Wheeeeeee! We are both so relieved. If sex is like pizza, then last night was a frozen Jenos pizza. Thank God that is over with. Ugh.

I start progesterone today. I was trying to think the best time to take it. I thought 9 a.m., 4 p.m. and 11 p.m. Which is the widest spread that still leaves time for me to take my thyroid pill on an empty stomach. That brings my daily pill count to 14.

I cleaned all morning yesterday to get ready for the progesterone exhaustion. Today I am changing the sheets, and doing two more loads of laundry. 12 days till testing.

We are thinking if it does not work this month( incredibly likely) that we will skip next month. Because I just can't stand the idea of two months in a row of robot sex, and we have spent enough money this month between Mister's ER visit and the iui for both of us to feel slightly dizzy.

We budget 120 a month for doctors co- pays and 30 a month for prescriptions. We have spent over 250 this month, and have another 40 coming in co-pays. Plus we got 1200 in surprise( not really- we knew they were coming but not when) medical bills. So that is pretty far above what we normally spend. And that does not include whatever stragglers we have coming from the iui. All in all a month to breathe would be good.

Mister and I are gonna decide this weekend what to do. Not my usual jolly post, but we take our budget very seriously and if we have to iui every other month- well that is not the worst thing in the world.

I have to say that I am so sore. I feel like I went a round with John Holmes. MY LADYBITS ARE OFFICIALLY CLOSED FOR RENOVATION.

Why is Michael Jackson getting more attention

for being dead than North Korea is getting for wanting to KILL us? Hello? Bombs? War? Crazy militants? Hello? Look at the news people- North Korea is fixin to blow us up.

Sexapalooza- Infertilty style

In olden days, I would willingly stay up all night for carnal pleasure. In fact, I have distinct memories of me and Mister staying up to greet the dawn and head for work- not once repenting a lack of sleep.


Not now troops. I had a crazybusy day at work, then after leaving at 7, stopped at Trader Joes, the gas station, waited in traffic, then got cat food at Giant. Getting home a little after 9 pm. So clearly Getting It On, was a priority. Nope.

We ate spaghetti and commiserated about our feet. Mister watched a show about the space program. I could see his eyes dropping off to sleepy land. There is little Mister enjoys more than dinner and then nodding off on the couch. Which I normally find endearing- but not during boink-fest '09.

Mister turns to look at me while I rub his feet and says "you know, I just don't want to do it tonight. Yesterday I had to do it in a cup, and then we had to do it for real- which was good, but I just don't want to tonight."

So I gazed at him lovingly and replied" I didn't even want to do it yesterday."

Then I told him I hadn't felt like it the other night we "had to" and that I just focused on remembering how thrilled I was the first time he kissed me.

Then we both laughed and high fived over hitting a new low in our sex life.

Then we went to bed after the incredible foreplay of cleaning up Princess Fiona's cat puke.

We got into bed. Let me speak about our bed. We named it Cockblock, because it is sooooo comfortable. So comfortable that sometimes even when we DO want to use it for more than sleep- we fall asleep.

Anyhow, we laughed and forced our way through it till the point where it becomes all worth while- You know, sleeeeeeeeep.

Sigh. Mission Accomplished. Again. One more night of enforced relations.

How it went down.

I was too scared to eat anything but then I was afraid if I did not eat anything my low blood sugar might affect the outcome. So I forced myself to eat some pudding. I was very anxious. So I just tried to relax and sing loudly.

I had to wait forever, and another woman had brought her child in while she took her glucose tolerance test. DON'T BRING YOUR CHILDREN TO THE RE'S MMMMMKAY?

The actual iui was not bad. But something went wrong with my timer. It was set for twenty minutes and stopped ticking some time after ten minutes, but I didn't know how long. So I laid there a little longer.

We were instructed to do it every night for the next three nights. They have me going back on the first to check my lining, I start progesterone three times daily on Friday, the pregnancy test is July 8th.

I would like some feedback on Misters post wash sperm count. He had 820,ooo. I said " that's bad" She said " that's ok" and that his sperm looked good.

We had grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner- which was exactly what I needed.

GAME ON, tomorrow 10:30 a.m.

Mister shoots me up at eight tonight and he delivers the goods at 9 a.m. I get my iui at 10:30.

Panicking. A little. Just a little.

1 @ 17 mm

They are checking my blood now. They are gonna call and tell me when to inject the hcg.

I got a demo on a stunt butt. Would you believe it? Finally a stunt butt, except it is just for demo- ing injections. Where is MY stunt butt? Today, the part of Celia's ass will be played by... Celia's ass. Go forth and be blinded at your own risk.

I asked the doctor if there was any chance of cancellation and she said if my estradiol was under 50 that they would just tell us to have intercourse. But that my lining is looking good so most likely my hormones are rising.

I have my Freedom Medteach book, my box of alcohol wipes, my needles, and my hcg. I have been faithfully exfoliating and moisturing the acre of real estate known as my booty. So that it is as unhorrifiying as possible.

Yikes. I am excitedscared. What if it works? What if it doesn't work?

I am making an enormous batch of meat sauce today. We are having cheese burgers for dinner, and tomorrow is left over chili. Then Wednesday is spaghetti. Probably Thursday too, since I am frankly feeling less than inspired this week. So Parade Of Leftovers for us.

Holy crap. I am freaked.

Mission accomplished- barely.

The real reason that 24 years olds are the ones that are so fertile is that they are young enough to WANT to have sex after being up for 19 hours. I seem to recall feeling that way myself A DECADE AGO. I was tired, soo tired, and sweaty. And had already been penetrated by the dildo cam. In other words- hott and readdy for action.

If that action involved sleep and maybe a little pillow drool.


I called home and someone- certainly not Mister- he is manly and virile and Always Ready- so we will just refer to the person who answered as "husband" was asleep. I said "hey don't forget we have to do it." All our early afternoon jokes about doing it twice for good measure faded away BECAUSE WE ARE OLD AND WANT SLEEP.

I was in the car driving home thinking "well what if we got up and did it really early? Like 6 a.m.( A LIE it would have been 9 at the earliest) and that is not too bad. But, I knew if we succumbed to sleep that meant CLEARLY WE DON'T WANT KIDS AFTER ALL, BABIES NEVER SLEEP SO YOU ARE A BAD PARENT ALREADY SINCE YOU CAN'T EVEN BRING YOURSELF TO TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM IF YOU DON'T GET TO IT YOU DON'T DESERVE A BABY.

sigh.

I got into sweet, delicious bed and the idea of anything other than sleep was honestly- replusive. Sleeeeeeeep. Sleep sleepy sleep in sleepy land. That was MY fantasy. However, I reminded myself that it was important and WE HAD TO.

Poor "husband".

Who was already infuriated, I mean hot for me since I woke him up four times on the drive home.

me- ring ring
husband" Whaaaa? Whaassswrong?"
me- don't forget we have to "you know"
husband "fine"

me- ring ring
husband "whaaaaaattt???"
me- there is road construction and I can't get to the bridge AND THE UNIVERSE IS AGAINST US AND I CAN'T GET HOME AND WE HAVE TO DO IT
husband "whaaat?"
me- I can't get to the bridge.
husband "take 95 to the turnpike and then take the Talcony Palmyra"
me- whaaaaat???? Honeeeeeeee I am looooooost. Where is the tuuuuuuurnpike???

ring ring
husband" WHAT NOW????"
me- Can you come park my car? I can't park it.
husband"WHAT? Goddammit."

me- I'm afraid I'll hit another car. You KNOW I can't parallel park.
husband comes outside at almost one a.m.
husband "You couldn't park THERE( indicating what appears to him to be an olympic sized parking space with lights and flags)
me- NO(indicating the HARDEST PARKING SPOT IN THE WORLD AFTER I HAD BEEN UP 19 HOURS AND WAS LOST AND IT WAS DARK AND JUST PARK MY CAR OR I WILL CRY.)
husband"we need to get you a smaller car"
husband parks car perfectly after I had been trying for ten minutes( okay FIVE) we go inside.

On The Couch
me- Well, you would have been madder if I backed into you.
husband"true."
me- Bet ya really wanna do it now, huh?
husband gives me a look but not THAT look

later- mission accomplished- barely.

1 @ 14

We have one follicle that is at 14. I wish there were two. We got our directions, we have to make sweet, spontaneous, passionate, fulfilling love tonight. lol. Right. Do my best. Sex will occur. Great sex? Probably not. A girl can hope though.

Then I go in for more monitoring on Monday. Then maybe an IUI sometime next week.

I couldn't decide if I just wanted to forget this.

• Wednesday morning- up early cause they are jackhammering outside.
• Wednesday afternoon- head off to work. Have a cookie for dinner at 5:30.
• 6:00 p.m. Mister calls me at work to say he is pulled over on the side of the road. He has an ambulance coming because he is dizzy and lost the feeling in his arm and has chest pains. He does not know where they are taking him.
  
• Panic.
• My HERO Andrea calls our other manager whom I shall refer to as Douchy McDouchebag. She tells her that I have TO GO. Douchy tells us that she can't come in for at least two hours, because she has to get ready. And really, she'd like to enjoy the rest of her day off. And wasn't there someone else we could call? And if she came in, could we give her a four hour shift the next day? FUCK YOU LEONA- I mean Douchy.
• Andrea volunteers to stay, even though that means she will have had like a 14 hour shift.
• We marvel at Douchy's douchiness.
• The hospital calls to give me directions. And it's almost an hour away.
• I break traffic laws.
• I get lost in Trenton.
  
• I wonder why no one I love ever gets taken to an ER in a NICE neighborhood.
  
• I find Mister. He is on a bed in a hallway.
• No cell reception- have to go out in the rain and arrange for one of Mister's brothers to rescue Mister's car from the side of the highway.
• Go back in WHERE IS MISTER?
• Getting an x ray.
• Watch the criminals and hookers and crack heads (coke heads? meth heads? IDK) until at 12 30 we get a quiet room. We eat cookies( thanks Andrea).
  
• Many tests later- it is 2 am and we can leave.
• My head light is out.
  
• We stop at a 24 hour diner and eat our weight in mashed potatoes.
• 3 a.m.- due to street construction ( remember the jackhammering?) there is no where to park legally. We sleep two-three hours and then get up and move our cars to semi legal spots.
• Get Mister's prescriptions since we are already in the car.
• back to sleep for two or three hours. More jackhammering.
• 9ish- call our regular doctor f0r an appointment. They can see us at 11.
• Call work.
  
• lay on the couch and plan errands.
• Go to the doctor. Mister should not take the beta blockers the hospital gave him. Mister should get an echo stress test.
  
• Ask if we can have sex( what? the IUI is coming)
  
• Mister is told he has no stroke or heart attack risk factors and that this may have been anxiety.
• Go get a head light.
• Go home.
• Get Mister comfy on the couch.
  
• Watch Men in Tights.
• Feed Mister.
• Drive to my sisters for three hour visit. HUGE MISTAKE. Cranky, tired and no fun at all plus the drive home was scary since I was so tired.
• 
  
• Realize that exhaustion can be your friend.
• Get to bed at 11. Get up at 6 to blog/ race to RE appointment.

CD 14 nothing to report except I made love to donuts

I was pretty much a blob of misery the other day. Wondering if I did or did not do something to cause the non-response. So I self medicated with one pop-tart, two chocolate covered doughnuts, one boston creme, and some coffee ice cream and THREE cups of coffee. Well I had a medium coffee that was half decaf and only drank half of the small third coffee so I guess that is not too bad. Oh, and I had some Fritos.

Why yes, I do stress eat- what tipped you off? I would have had chocolate chip cookies too, but Mister polished them off already.

I am just passing time till Friday.

And I am hardcore having a Tastykake today. Yes I am.

FAIL

My follicles have done NOTHING. WTF follicles? I feed you, I water you, I give you good drugs- GROW.

I could not get pregnant if I sat naked in a tub full of Jim Duggars sperm.

So what with the NO RESPONSE AT THE FUCKALL, I have another ultrasound appointment scheduled for Friday morning at 8. If nothing happens then, they are going to call off this month and wait for my period. Then the next cycle would be MORE tamoxifen- three times a day instead of twice a day.

Let us pause to consider the full glory of heat flashes and night sweats in JULY.

I went to panic mode when the doctor said- "and if nothing happens you need to schedule an appointment to discuss the next step." Which would be I suppose some scary ass Lupron or Follistim or something.


Then I got in my car and cried. Stupid shitty ovaries and shitty PCOS and shitty sperm and shitty thyroid and shitty hypoglycemia. WHERE IS MY DAMN VIOLIN???

I don't get it, how could NOTHING have happened? I surely did not imagine the sweat pouring off me, and waking up in the night to stand naked in front of the window(sorry neighbors). Is it going to be all side effects and no EFFECTS? Because THAT SUCKS.

Monitoring is today.

I am planning a big carby dinner in celebration/consolation depending on what my follicles did. Tonight is a baked ziti, then later on we are having chipped beef on toast, and pierogies with kielbasi, and then Mister is having steak for one on Thursday since I will be at my sisters.

I am so bloated that when I got home the only acceptable outfit was pajamas.


We watched Harold and Kumar go to Guantanamo Bay last night. Of course, we loved it. So funny. We LOVE stoner movies. I hate sentimental movies where you have practically grown another VAGINA by the end. UGH.

If he does not get his punk ass up here

so we can have sex so I can go the hell to sleep I am gonna be mad(er). UP YOURS baseball. Have freakin AFTERNOON games. IT IS FRIGGIN A QUARTER TO ELEVEN. I HAVE TO GET UP AT SIX. It is CD 10. I don't WANT sex, I just feel like we should do it. I think I am going to ovulate kinda soon. I think? My CM is still creamy. But it is increasing in volume, so maybe I will O right on time in five days. Do I sound crabby? I feel crabby. Nothing says "do me so we can send sperm in for recon" like a crabby wife.

But.., I always think if sperm can survive a max of five days then I WANT em in there. WAITING.

grrrr.

Three days to go.

Monitoring is Monday morning! I am calling the RE's office sometime today because the trigger shot people have not contacted me yet. I am readyreadyREADY. I am treating myself to two cups of coffee today, because I have so much to do.

I have to go to the title company, go to Pathmark for cereal and paper towels, clean the kitchen, do two loads of laundry, change the sheets, and of course obsess about my ovaries.

GET TO WORK!!

The entertainment level is HIGH at our house today. The birds have finally discovered the feeder and the cats are going berserk watching the birds. "please Mommie Please Mommie Pleeeeeeeeeeease can we eat one? Just ONE?"

I found this awesome syrup at Trader Joes yesterday, it is a maple syrup agave blend so it won't make my hypoglycemia so crazy. So tonight we are having pancakes and bacon for dinner. I don't think I have made anything from the pancake/waffle family in six months.

So this week I am making pancakes, chipped beef on toast, maybe sausage and peppers I have not cooked that in a few weeks, I think I may make a big batch of meat sauce since Mom is coming and freeze that- I am not sure. I am ABSOLUTELY making creme filled chocolate cup cakes this week. I HAVE TO. I found the recipe in Martha Stewarts new cupcake book. I have been a little cupcake obsessed lately. Fortunately my sister has company coming so I can eat one ( fine, two) and give the rest to them.

What else... dinner. hmmm. I have a leftover chicken pot pie in the freezer I may cook off.

Mom is coming from Thursday till Tuesday so while she is here we will have lasagna, burgers, and whatever else Mom is feeling like. Most likely a bread pudding.

I am trying to clean out the freezer since those steaks are coming.

is this my imagination or what?

Today I felt something in the area occupied by Lefty( four follicles) Tonight I felt something in the area occupied by Righty( 8 follicles). Is that my imagination? Or gas? Or a random cramp? Or wishful thinking? I took my last tamoxifen tonight. I know I have felt myself ovulate in the past. This was different. Odd. Anybody?

Hot flash news flash

For the love of GOD. I have actually soaked my clothes. So funneee Tamoxifen.

Dear Me,

Next time you take a drug with hot flashes as a side effect, take it in WINTER when it will do you some good.

love,

Sweaty McSmelly

Nice. This better be working. DO YOU HEAR ME FOLLICLES?

CD 7

Well, I can't believe I go in for monitoring in five days! ATTENTION FOLLICLES GET YOUR PUNK ASSES TO WORK!

I did three loads of laundry yesterday and am doing three today. I scrubbed the shower yesterday, but I am going over the bathroom again today. So the kitchen is on tomorrows list. Which is perfect, because I am grocery shopping on Friday so I can clean the fridge first. Then I suppose I will dust and vacuum and maybe by the weekend spend some more time on my reading room.

We splurged and ordered from Omaha Steaks- they are having a great promotion that ends today. We spent 50 dollars after shipping and now Mister has 4 sirloins, ten burgers, six stuffed potatoes some hotdogs coming to him. It is normally 101 dollars for just the four steaks and six burgers and potatoes. I worked it out and including shipping it is about four dollars a meal- since Mister eats two burgers or two hot dogs at a time. Which is a dollar more than our average meal costs but this is something nice for him to have in the freezer and since I hate steak he can eat it on nights I work late. WHICH IS GREAT because then I don't have to worry about his dinner. So basically a HUGE plus for me. It can be a freakin drag trying to plan his dinner while I am at work.

Five days people. Five days. I wonder what all is going on in there?

My sister had to know about this cycle, do you think it is asshole-ish of me to already be planning to keep her in the dark about the results?

It is bad enough I have to tell my boss right away what the results are. My sister is a Very Impatient Person, no way could I handle a full nine months of her. I had been planning on keeping everything a secret till three months. Just to get some breathing room. Because if we did by some freak miracle get pregnant the first time, and then lost it I know I just would want to be left alone.


Actually if I could keep it a secret for six months or more I would be happiest.

This post is just all over the place.

Indulging my paranoia.

I am there. This week is going to be sacrificed to the Fertility Gods. I am cleaning the entire house from top to bottom just in case. I am even going to clean my car. Possibly that does not sound major- but I have washed that car once in the last four years and only clean it when we move so I can cram more junk in it that stays there till we move again. My car is so bad I invented a word for what's in it- -carbage. Empty cups, scratched cds, broken jewel cases, socks, receipts, pens, candy wrappers, tissues, lists, a brass quilt rack, shoes, note books, cookbooks, books, yarn, jewelry, crud. I need a months notice if anyone else is riding in it. My car is my not so secret dirty secret.

Mister and I have actually said that one of the negatives of having a baby would be having to keep our cars clean.

So anyhow- I am cleaning the Superfund Sight known as my car, catching up on laundry, scrubbing the kitchen and bathrooms, dusting, putting things away and just trying to be prepared in case the best/worst happens.

At least my house will be nice. Truly, with five cats the house can go from The Queen Is Coming Immaculate to Crackden in two days.

The house is in a bad spot right now because we are unpacking all the random crap while painting Mom's room.

I am not really relishing the idea of unpacking the rest of this junk and making the house look nice. One of the things that happened to me after moving so many times is that I really do not care if my house is decorated. Nope don't care. I don't decorate for Christmas either. I used to spend a lot of time making sure everything was just so, not anymore. I have fantasies where I live in a one room efficiency and cook on a hot plate.

I thought I might care now that we are not moving for years, but I guess not. Home is where you keep your stuff and take a shower.

However, I know we can't have a child rolling around in this rubble, so I gotta get to work.

You know who I am always envious of? Those old couples that have lived in the same house for forty years and have the same furniture and plates and juicer that they have used since they got married. What the crap is it like to move somewhere once and be done? I am like the serial dater of moving who just can't commit. After hanging the same pictures year after year and unpacking the same crap year after year I don't really care if it is in exactly the right spot. As long as it isn't on the floor.

We are doing very well maintaining our vow from a year ago, not to buy things we don't need. I do however need a coffee table. Really for real. When we have company there is no where to put the snacks. I guess I am just feeling surrounded right now by all our stuff and don't want to deal with it. Stupid stuff.

Hot flashes

I has them. Enough to wake me up at 2 am. Enough to sleep naked. Nice. I think I would rather be mean and sleep through the night. What an enjoyable taste of menopause. Good times.

I AM HOT. AND NOT IN A PRETTY WAY, IN A THINKING ABOUT STICKING MY FACE IN THE FREEZER TILL THE ICE CREAM MELTS WAY. What an el crapo side effect. Maybe I should just be happy to know the pills are doing something?

Counting Carbs FAIL

I am not doing so hot at it. What happens is, I have a 30 carb breakfast, a 15 carb snack, a 30 carb lunch, a 15 carb snack- and then I freak out and eat everything at dinner because I am HONGRY.

This is not freaking working. I think this carb bullshit might actually put me over the edge. Limit my caffeine- done. No alcohol- FINE(sometimes half a glass of beer or wine if we are out)but I have not had a gin and tonic or a martini or my beloved Makers Mark Bourbon in about TWO YEARS.

But this carb bullshit is bullshit. I hate not eating what I want. I love food. I love to cook. I love to bake. I love to make ice cream and cookies and candy and tarts and bread. What about strawberries and cream panna cotta? Or a pumpkin bread pudding with a thin layer of pumpkin custard over the top? What about bread pudding with yellow raisins soaked in Frangelico? What about white chocolate truffles rolled in crushed and toasted pistachios? Or gelato? Or BISCUITS? Biscuits with homade blueberry jam? Or a coconut cake with lemon curd filling? Or homade doughnuts? Or pecan pie. Or cheesecake with Tahitian vanilla? Or hot cornbread slathered with butter? Or risotto? OR WAFFLES? Or pancakes? Or dumplings. Or brownies a la mode. Mashed potatoes with roasted garlic and butter. Crispy skinned baked potatoes with cheese sauce. Double chocolate espresso brownies. Home fries. Coconut custard pie. Garlic bread. CHINESE FOOD. Chocolate mousse. Frangipane tarts with pears. Apple strudel. Cupcakes. I am just gonna keep updating this CHOCOLATE COVERED MARSHMALLOWS! as I think of things I want and can't have. Yep, I am writing food porn today.

Dear Real Food,

I miss you with a passion I could never feel for low fat knockoffs. I miss cream, butter, sugar, alcohol, and white flour. Someday we will be reunited in an epicurean orgy.

love,

me

59 cents

Yep- three years of trying, two years of agony, a year of intense dieting, 1,182 prenatal vitamins, thousands of dollars out of pocket and tens of thousands in medical procedures- in what I can only describe as a hysterical moment of anticlimax .59 cents for the pills. You would think after how hard I worked for them that I would have to pay in unicorn blood.

I was just goggling at the pharmacist. Anyhow I took my first one 25 minutes ago and take the next at nine tonight. I have had three glasses of water today. Only six more to go!

Yesterday at the dietitian the scale showed I had not lost any weight. So she said I had to count my carbs, since portion size was the most likely culprit. So today I had HALF A CUP of high fiber cheerios and half a cup of milk, with a strawberry and 8 blueberries. For craps sake.

On the other hand, she did say I could go back to eating nuts for a snack at work. I told her it has just been impossible to stop work at a predictable time for a snack. She wants me to carry them with me for snacking on the go.

Last night I made white chicken chili for dinner. This week we are also having turkey keilbasi with spicy macaroni and cheese, fritatta, chicken and black beans over quinoa and maybe pizza.

Last night we treated ourselves and went out for dessert to Sonic. Carb count 9 zillion- with a cherry on top.

I am off to work.

seml update UPDATED!

I am finally home. Geesh. My ultrasound showed eight follicles on Righty and four on Lefty. Then they drew my blood and said they would call over my prescription as long as my hormones looked good. So I am waiting on that phone call.

I had a moment of panic when they were talking about my meds. Because the doctor said I would be getting a trigger shot. And I went to PANIC MODE, because no one had mentioned it before. So they said they would have the HCG mailed to my house and either I would take it into the office to have it injected or Mr. would do it.

So I asked if that would affect my chances for multiples and she said no, that would happen if I had been taking the injectibles(blogger insists I am spelling this wrong but won't tell me how to spell it. Nice.)earlier in my cycle.


Sooooo, starting tomorrow, it is tamoxifen twice a day for five days and I go in for monitoring most likely on the 15th. Then the shot in my booty. I told my doctor I was not counting this month because really, when does it EVER work the first time? I am considering this a practice month while they see what my ovaries do.

What do you think? I have not asked Dr. Google yet, but will the addition of a trigger shot change anything? Also, how much am I NOT looking forward to ANYONE inspecting my ass in the cold light of day? Is it too late to get a new butt? Can I get a stunt butt?

I bought a ton of sparkling water and lemons so I can try my best to avoid retaining too much water. Now I am just waiting for the damn phone to ring.

My blood work was fine and I am going in on the 15th at 8 am for another ultrasound. There is a company named Mandell's that will be contacting me about the hcg.

I have to see when I can get Mister down there so they can show him how to stab me in case we need to do it when the office is closed.

I am so excited. FREAKING EXCITED. Somebody slap me around and remind me again that it most likely won't work this month.

CD 2! Action!

Af came yesterday and it was brutal. I went home from work early and only made it across the street before I had to pull over and throw up. Does anyone else throw up almost every month?

On a related note, I don't think I'll ever want Doritos again.

I am going in this morning for an ultrasound- it's at 9 and the dietitian is at noon. I am going to go grocery shopping in between. I was planning on visiting my Mom today but we are supposed to get 2-3 inches of rain. So I am going Monday instead.

I am sooooooooo excited. SO EXCITED!!! Drugs! Yay! I still won't believe it till I have them in my hands. I take the drugs for five days and tentatively the IUI should be on the 14th maybe. I guess it depends on what my eggs do. DO YOUR FRIGGIN JOB EGGS. OR ELSE.

Mister is waiting for mood swings. He has called the side effects Clomoodia. hee hee.

Hopefully it won't be too bad. I am freaking stoked people.

CD 36, Mister made me a present

Mr. Mostly made me that picture on the right. He worked on it for days. He drew it and then scanned it into the computer to color it and tweak it. How much fun is that? It's supposed to be me, although my boobs are not quite ginourmous, and of course I am pudgy and have grey in my hair. I have a huge portrait of me done in that style that he gave me for Christmas one year. I also have a really cute comic strip he drew of us that I keep on the fridge.

Mr. loves to draw, I have almost been successful in getting him to do a weekly carton for my blog.


Not much going on today. Just waitingwaiting for my period.

Everyone who knows me in real life RUN AWAY FROM THIS NEXT PART.

Really.

No, REALLY.

OK, fellow IFers hopefully it is just us now. Did you ever have sex with your DH just hoping the O would bring on your period? I have had that happen before and hopefully I can get in another round tonight. Freaking 36 days, LETS GO ALREADY. Geez. I am going to try and squeeze in another round when I get home from work tonight. Plotting? Who? Me? Yep.

Playing Let's Pretend

I have been praying Let's Pretend the last few days.

I just feel more and more like we will never, ever get pregnant. Ever.

I am sick of taking prenatal vitamins. I am sick of metformin and not drinking. I am sick of wondering if this will ever work. Part of me is terrified to call an end to TTC, but more of me is ready. Now, we are still going through with our medicated cycles and hooray if they work but I guess I am feeling more peace with them not working.

Occasionally I imagine our lives without children. And it's great. I would love a mini cooper convertible. LOVE ONE. Who gives a crap that nothing would fit in there if it is just me and Mister? How cute would I look driving one? Sooooo cute.

Plus, I am really ready to embrace a guilt free martini. I like that we would never have to childproof anything. I like that we could spend a ton of money on art. Or even ART since we would not be spending it on A.R.T.

I hate this waitingwaitingwaiting. I hate that my heart is broken every day. I hate thinking about my damn uterusvaginafallopiantubesovaries and his dietspermexercisedon'tdrinktoomuchbeeryou'llkillthesperm, eatthisdamnorganicfruitandtakeyourfreakinmultivitamin.

I hate judging my fitness as a potential parent by how far I am willing to go to become one. Am I am a better potential Mom because I eat organic and clean organically and take 10 pills a day and don't store food in plastic because of chemicals and am so careful during the 2WW? Because it is not like any of that has helped. Am I a horrible potential Mom because I don't exercise and the Most Holy RE and Sacred Dietician want me to?

I want to stop WAITING. I want to start living. Whatever the crap that means. Maybe it means we go to fancy restaurants and eat tuna filled with mercury and drink beer in smokey pool halls? We used to do that.

Maybe I go to concerts? Concerts filled with marijuana smoke? Maybe we have sex when we feel like it, and not when we don't?

Maybe we spend a ton of money on electronics like we used to? Or I go on a spree at Torrid because we are not waiting for giant medical bills to fall on our heads?

Or we buy a house with a great view and NO extra bedrooms?

Or a die my hair with toxic die every three months so it isn't gray and get my nails done with toxic paint cause who cares?

Or I go back to school?

As far as I can tell the only good thing to come out of waiting has been a love of blogging and bloggers, and of course I have not had to scoop cat poo for 38 months now. I am super fricking tired of finding the silver lining. I want a jackpot.

CD 34 bitchy and tired

Dear overwrought former English teacher- I could not listen to your whine because:

2 pm My boss is here! YAY I am not in charge anymore. I will finish up and get the hell outta here, I am beat.

2:05- uh oh- it seems Boss is trapped on the phone. Check out first employee.

2:07, 2:08, 2:08, and 2:09 FOUR people at once need a manager. Another employee is leaving( at the front door), there is a delivery person(back door), the manager of the cleaning company is here (FREAKING follows me around)for his monthly yadda yadda about cleanliness, and an author that did a very unsuccessful booksigning with us(in fact it made me hate booksignings that are not national events) wondering about a missing payment from last year- THAT I MUST SORT OUT NOW WHILE SHE PATIENTLY GIVES ME SAD AND DISAPPOINTED EYES. So I must try and disrupt my boss on the phone(always a popular move)to give her the problem which she gives back to me. YAY! But then I have to check the back door- uh oh the delivery person got pissed and left. Hope it wasn't anything important.

Race to the front to set the employee free- go and make my own sad eyes at the author(who is nice but no one wants her book. REALLY.)and then we back and forth about money. I recall this same problem from a year ago and sigh inwardly. I explain that we will have to track her check and cancel it and it will take at least a week and no we cannot just hand her money out of the register.

Then on to some poor customer who has been WAITING for help through all of this. Nope, can't find his book. Apologize and send myself an email to dig for it and call him on Wednesday since he had to wait twenty damn minutes.

Find abandoned package on desk- presumably from delivery person. What is it? No time to see because at 2:45......

"Miss, I just fail to understand how this can be shelved here, and as a former English teacher(Insert the beginnings of a long rant focusing on the decline of English and wah wahhhhh) I breathe. I DON'T punch her. I explain that what we want is for the customer to FIND the book. So, ON A CORPORATE LEVEL we have decided to shelve Andrew Mccall Smith under "M". BUT, she rages HIS NAME IS NOT HYPHENATED!!! Insert mental images of Tinkerbell dying from this man not having a hyphen. I explain gently(inversely proportional with my desire to shake her till her teeth rattle) that AGAIN, what we want is for customers to FIND the books and customers search under the first name. She cuts me to my quick- SHALL WE JUST SHELVE PEOPLE UNDER THEIR MIDDLE NAME THEN???

Listen you old bag, back the fuck off. As the English put it, get stuffed. And so, that is why I could not listen to your whine, former English Teacher.

Then I came home and ate a PILE of cheese with some Ritz crackers. And chocolate. And mixed nuts. And pomegranate lime ade.

Then I collapsed on the bed.

Dear God Almighty,

Thank you, thank you for giving me the strength to somehow not quit today. Please let me get very knocked up soon, so I can quit this damn job.

love,

Celia