I struggle a lot with guilt now. I feel terrible guilt when I complain about parenting. I love parenting. I love his big just for me smile, and how his whole body tenses with GLEE when he likes his dinner or finds a special toy . I melt when he wails and holds his arms out for me. We sing(off key), we dance( badly), we play, we talk, we explore and I love it.
But I think anyone would have a hard time spending 10 hours a day being the sole caretaker for a baby. Sometimes I am bored, sometimes( always) I am tired. But I am also always thankful for our darling Peter. Mister and I will never stop marveling that he is here and he is ours.
I figure parenting is like going to an art museum. If your face is pushedrightupclose to a picture all you see is a blob. But when you step back you can appreciate it's beauty. And being a stay at home mom is a whole lot of rightupclose and not a lot of step back and let it sink in.
To me, being infertile is all about distance. Babies are far from you, you don't have one and it is hard to be around them. When you see them out and about they are cuddly and dressed up. They smile winsomely and families walk in a bubble of togetherness. And we are other.
Being a parent is all about being close. My son is in my arms or next to me maybe 18 hours a day. I am the one that he loves and looks for and cuddles with and laughs with but I am also the one that holds him till five a.m. because he is teething. I am the one that that gets the explosions of poop. One explosion is a funny story, three in a row is a bit much. I have not spent a night in my own bed alone with my husband in eight months. It is a very symbiotic relationship.
Parenting is not being able to see the forest for the trees.
5 comments:
I think it's ok to be frustrated with the situation. And it's ok to want him to be less high needs. The only thing that isn't ok is to be resentful about the situation, which you are not. Parenting is a challenge and just because you wanted this challenge doesn't mean that you are superhuman and going to be able to deal with it 24/7. Everyone needs a little help sometimes.
I'm still very worried that I'm going to lose my job and part of me fantasizes about what my days with Michael could be like. Taking him to the park and the library and meeting Daddy for lunch would be lovely, I know that being a SAHM would be a huge challenge. I get bored, I get frustrated, but I love him too.
Oh, and I was going to tell you, my ped brought up last week that we should have his RAST allergy testing drawn while he's under anesthesia for his tube surgery. I called his ENT's office (which is also and allergy clinic) to ask them about getting it done. They haven't gotten back to me yet but the nurse was concerned that at 9 months he wouldn't show antibodies with the RAST yet. So that kinda sucks, cause getting a blood draw off this kid isn't going to be easy. However, he will be having surgery for his hydrocele after he's 1 so we'll get another chance then at least.
Your feelings are completely normal. I remember feeling the exact same way when my kids were babies. I even felt that I was a "better" mommy when I did work away from home. Work made it easier to see the forest between the trees. When I did stay at home for long stretches of time, I relied on sitters to get that much needed break. Anyone reading this that is rolling their eyes at this comment are probably not full time stay at home mommies and truly do not understand that breaks are necessary....even from our most precious ones.
i love it (the post, i love being a parent too... most of the time)
You exactly nailed it. It's sometimes a lot easier to love kids from a distance. Or after you've slept enough. But when you're just trying to get through the day, sometimes that's all you can focus on.
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