Mister is asleep. Peter is asleep. But I put on a pot of coffee and came downstairs to blog. I have been giving the computer the kind of longing glances normally reserved for cupcakes or Viggo Mortensen. Or Viggo Mortensen feeding me a cupcake and then rubbing my back. sigh.
Peter appears to be cutting two teeth, and upper and a lower. He is still biting me and laughing. The little stinker. My Dad and Supermom( spell check always tells me Stepmom should be lower case and offered me the alternate spelling of Supermom- HOW AWESOME IS THAT!) came down last night for a belated birthday. They brought the horse-dog. Five cats, a baby and a rottweiler. Thunder kept trying to fight the dog and his tail was all puffed up. He spent the night teasing the dog haha you are on a lee-eash and I am free-eeee ha hahahah ha etc.
Last night was not terrible( or perhaps I was so tired I don't remember?) but the night before that was heinous. So I decided to get a third opinion and made an appointment for Peter for mid-November at an allergist. We can see him trying so hard to sleep but then waking up crying.
I am so torn. Maybe the allergist will find that Peter is allergic to something totally odd, and if we eliminate it everything will be calm. Or maybe Peter has the personality of Napoleon Bonaparte and is just extremely demanding.
We are back and forth on if we want to try again. Like..75% NO FUCKING WAY and 25% we would love another and how could we deprive Peter of a brother or sister if there was a way for him to have one. I am deadly serious when I say I don't know that our marriage could survive another baby like Peter. For all the incredible joy he has brought us, he has also brought fighting and pettiness and screaming and shouting and a lack of intimacy. It's like Mister and I are two deckhands working for a power crazed captain.
I think my husband put it best when he said that Peter is the best thing he ever made but he did not want to make another.
Over seven months of extreme sleep deprivation will change you. I remember a few months ago we kept apologizing to each other for being unkind and not being able to stop ourselves.
I hope some day Peter ( or another child of ours) does not read this and feel bad. It's not like Peter is some kind of baby mastermind trying to break us. He is just a baby and has needs and only one way of expressing them. But that is cold comfort at 10 am, 12 pm, 2 am 2 03 am etc etc FOREVER. I have tried sign language but Peter does not seem interested. Which is a shame. I'm not ready to give up on it yet. If he could just tell me "pain" or "milk" Or "Mommy" it would be so much easier.
So Peter is going to the Philadelphia Children's Hospital and I felt like an asshole making the appointment. There are children there with cancer and organ failure and it makes me feel like someone complaining about their shoes to someone with no feet. But I am still filled with guilt that Peter was in pain for the first three months. I should have switched doctors. I should have browbeaten them till they gave us Zantac. What if he has celiac? What if he has something really weird that a normal doctor would not catch? If he is sensitive to grains then that means I have been causing him pain for three months ON TOP of the first three months. Six months of preventable pain out of seven and a half months of life. I can't take that chance. Who could?
Sometimes I feel terrible using my INFERTILITY related blog to vent at how much Peter is killing us. What a dick move. I would hate me.
4 comments:
About the dog and Thunder, lmao.
I think scheduling an appointment with a allergist is a great idea. Allergies can manifest themselves in some weird ways, sometimes rashes sometimes not, sometimes just stomach upset, or even behavioral changes.
your next baby won't be the same as peter, but i can understand how you feel, and if you find out he's allergic to something you need to give yourself some credit for figuring out what was wrong and fixing it instead of feeling bad about what has already happened, it's not your fault, blame your doctors for nor listening to you.
I still don't quite understand why people purposefully have children so closely together. I know the bio clock is ticking, but beyond that, I think stretching this out as much as possible is a good thing. I'm enjoying so much of parenting right now (well, when I'm not working) that I would hate to think of how much I would miss if I had another (or was pregnant and hobbled by it). My neighbor had her children 6 years apart... not on purpose, but she says that she loved getting to really fully enjoy each of her babies. For me, I cannot actually remember how bad those first couple of months were, I've blocked them out, but I know that they were bad. I was on the verge of delusions I was so tired. I cannot do that again for a very long time.
Have you tried figuring out any of his allergies for yourself yet? Cause I can see the downside of taking him to an allergist is the testing and the testing isn't usually very conclusive or can yield a lot of false positives. And, I don't know for sure, but I think the only way to definitively check for something like celic is to take a biopsy of the small intestine, and you don't want to do that unless you very strongly suspect that to be an issue. I freaked out a little at the ENT's the other day because they were thinking about doing some kind of scoping right then in the office. I was like, "Soooo, you think he'll just let you shove that down his throat and take a look?" Luckily we avoided it but putting his through invasive testing would not make anyone happier in the short term.
But I do think that you are doing the right thing talking to another dr. Follow your gut. If you think he needs help, then press until someone listens.
I think I m too tired to figure anything out. Peter has been tossing and turning all night and then crying.
Post a Comment