New World update

It's going really well, while Peter fought his nap like a badass yesterday, today he went down for his first nap with no fuss and last night slept ten hours. He fussed for about ten minutes in the night, but we only had to check on him once.

My husband actually looked healthy and well rested this morning. AMAZING! Just like the book said, the naps are harder to regulate than night time sleeping, but it is still such a wonderful improvement. Life changing even.

I think the bast part is not constantly struggling all day to get Peter Pants to sleep. Because if the hour is up and he is still awake, that's it for another two and a half hours and we play and have a fine time.

I also feel like our day is much more pleasant and easier to handle. He gets up and has milk, we play, we have breakfast, he plays while I tidy, then milk and nap. Or not nap. But either way, it is much easier on all of us. I will update as we go along, but the change in our quality of life is drastic.

Maybe just maybe, A Whole Neeeew World

As everyone in my world knows, Peter is not a fan of sleep. ESPECIALLY if I am not rightnexttohimforeverandalways. As you can imagine( or maybe you don't want to imagine) it had a horrible effect on our sex life ( non existent) or wish for a second child( also non existent), our relationship, in fact everything. A while back The Elderly Ovary suggested this book( go to Sleepy Planet.com) and I thought about getting it but didn't because we had read many MANY books and tried everything, diet soothing music blah blah too depressing to go into.

This book is working. Praise EVERYONE. Xenu, Jesus, Satan- I don't care who is responsible. Just joking about that last part, if Jesus was responsible Peter would have been sleeping months ago.

Anyhow, I love this book. This book is saving us. That is not an understatement. Peter is fast asleep in his crib and it is 6 30 in the morning and he has been in there since 8 15 last evening.

We are daring to hope our lives will get back on track. Also, guess who stood up yesterday? He is very pleased with himself.

Obligatory Thanksgiving Post

Ironic post title aside, we have so much to be thankful for this year. At the top of my thoughts is that Daddy is doing well. What if my step mom had not insisted on going to the hospital? Maybe we would be planning a viewing.

So we will all be around the table this year. Mom, Dad, Dad's wife( goooooo modern family!) my sister, me, my husband, assorted relatives, my stepmom's ex-husband( gooooo modern family!) my sister in law's father- your basic grab bag. But I am thankful that this year my sister is an aunt. My parents are grandparents. My husband is a father. I am a mother. it was a very long road, and sometimes I still cannot believe it.

Daddy's headed home

And thank goodness. I could not even conceive (haha) of something happening to him. How could it? My husband told me he cried twice on the way to get me and I had refused to let myself. I am not sure how Daddy's recovery will go, hopefully I will find out more tomorrow.

We brought Peter to his cousin's sixth birthday party. Worst idea ever. It was loud and crazy and there were at least 30 people there. Perhaps you are thinking duh- it's a six year olds birthday party. I had no idea, I always hid from childrens parties whenever possible. Peter screamed for forty minutes in the car. good times.

He was amazing this weekend, with the back and forth to the hospital, and restaurants and hanging out in waiting rooms and hours a day in the car.

My little doodoo is up and playing . He started crawling on Friday night after we got home from the hospital. Mr. and I were splayed in exhaustion on the couch and off Peter went. We video taped it and the house was a shambles because of Peter having a cold for two weeks, and I was in my pajamas so basically TITTEHS ON PARADE. Please let Mr be able to edit that out.

bad times

Pretty bad times. My daddy is in the hospital and has blood clots in his leg. He had knee surgery about a week ago. So he is on heparin. I am choosing not to think of what might happen. Yesterday was just awful and now Peter and Mister are crashed out in bed but I am too stressed out to sleep. We were too tired to eat dinner so it's 2 a.m. and I am eating peanut butter and jelly with a glass of ovaltine and hoping that puts me to sleep. We had a long day yesterday and today will be the same. And so will tomorrow. I wish I could clean since I am up anyway but I don't want to wake anyone.

I am desperately overtired.

Mommy and Peter...unplugged.

We are trying something new in our Quest For Sleep. I have written out a detailed schedule for Peter Pants and myself. And...turned off the teevee. It's not like I plunked Peter in front of it and danced off to paint my nails every day, but it would be on because during Titty Time at first I would be so tired I dropped my book on his head and when he was older Peter would swat a magazine or book out of my hands. Peter would watch some for a while in the morning while we ran around doing morning things. Then, maybe in later afternoon while I cooked dinner. And then sports with Daddy.

I kept remembering when I worked in daycare and on rainy/snowy days we would let each group have a half hour of teevee and the toddlers would chant "teevee teevee TEEVEE" at the age of two. Anyhow, I am not sure how I want to handle it. I read that you make your baby multitask if you have teevee on while they are eating/playing /whatevering. But his pediatrician said it was fine for me to have it on.

I don't know. But for now, he gets one enriching video a day. Sign language or a foreign language. That's it. And no more sitting on my knee while I do internet stuff like look for recipes or print coupons. I think I needed it in the beginning because I spent all day every day on the couch, but it's not like that anymore, and I don't want him to get used to it. I'm not sure how we will end up, but that is what we are doing now.

Fighting for his right to party.

My little Beastie Boy was not interested in sleep last night and I threw in the towel at 4 a.m. He has been up and playing for two hours. I had a cup of tea and a muffin. I picked the wrong week( lifetime?) to give up coffee. Oh Peanut. WTF.

Perspective

I struggle a lot with guilt now. I feel terrible guilt when I complain about parenting. I love parenting. I love his big just for me smile, and how his whole body tenses with GLEE when he likes his dinner or finds a special toy . I melt when he wails and holds his arms out for me. We sing(off key), we dance( badly), we play, we talk, we explore and I love it.

But I think anyone would have a hard time spending 10 hours a day being the sole caretaker for a baby. Sometimes I am bored, sometimes( always) I am tired. But I am also always thankful for our darling Peter. Mister and I will never stop marveling that he is here and he is ours.

I figure parenting is like going to an art museum. If your face is pushedrightupclose to a picture all you see is a blob. But when you step back you can appreciate it's beauty. And being a stay at home mom is a whole lot of rightupclose and not a lot of step back and let it sink in.

To me, being infertile is all about distance. Babies are far from you, you don't have one and it is hard to be around them. When you see them out and about they are cuddly and dressed up. They smile winsomely and families walk in a bubble of togetherness. And we are other.

Being a parent is all about being close. My son is in my arms or next to me maybe 18 hours a day. I am the one that he loves and looks for and cuddles with and laughs with but I am also the one that holds him till five a.m. because he is teething. I am the one that that gets the explosions of poop. One explosion is a funny story, three in a row is a bit much. I have not spent a night in my own bed alone with my husband in eight months. It is a very symbiotic relationship.

Parenting is not being able to see the forest for the trees.

In the wee, small hours of the morning

Peter is nestled all snug in his bed. We had an insane last couple of weeks. Peter got abundant teeth and is just getting over a miserable cold. I have the cold now, good times. Ugh, it is Snot Central over here.

When Peter started coming down with this cold I was comforted by the fact that this would be easier than the last one since he is now old enough for a decongestant. Au CONTRAIRE , they changed the rules and no cold meds till your child is three. On the one hand, BIG YES to protecting Peter Pants, on the other PITEOUS SNUFFLY BAYBEE.

So Piteous Snuffly Baybee and I hung out in a cloud of steam, leaving a slimey trail of boogie wipes and empty saline bottles behind us. I feel like he is on the tail end now, his temperature is lower and he sounds more wheezy than Darth Vadery.

In related news, I remember when Amanda had a cold and how when she took some meds it messed with her supply so I bought myself some juice and cookies and ok, chocolate covered marshmallows and am sucking it up. ( lol mucus, sucking it up ewwwww)

I bit the bullet and sent invitations on Facebook( how cool am I? Making an event and shit) to around umm 60 people for a multiday house party to celebrate Chrismahannkwanza. I treated it like a g-rated cocktail party and told everyone that it is cookies and hot chocolate/tea/coffee/cider only. No hot food to mess with. And it is only for four hours a day from 1- 5 . I figure that is a nice way to see people without being overwhelmed and it is easy for them too since they can come on Sunday or drop in during the week. It's from the 19-23, and hopefully a lot of people will come but also hopefully not on the same friggin day. I told them they have to rsvp by 12/10 so I can plan the menu.

I mean, we have to clean and decorate for Christmas Day anyway, since we will be here so that is not a big deal. I am making gingersnaps, chocolate orange drops, brownies, a coffee cake, some kind of savory muffin, Russian tea cakes, some other yet to be determined cookie, and ONE type of fancy decorated cookie. In my crazy dreams I pipe everyone's name out on the cookies which I have first piped with a gingerbread house design and then make it an adorable favor by placing it in a glassine bag- then displaying it in a longaberger basket in alphabetical order. Riiiight, that will take HOURS and Peter will be fussing and Thunder will be hopping on the counter CERTAIN that I HAVE MEAT and just need a gentle reminder that he in fact, loves meat . Put down the crack pipe, Celia.

Nevertheless, I am hoping for a merry bustle of friends. Not too many family members, because we will see them on Christmas Day and our house is small enough that I am not inviting ANYONE that might be coming Christmas Day. But I did invite some family( not MIL haha BITCH) since some are far away and my SIL is always overbooked around this time.

But I think a cookie buffet will be nice. I am a wee bit wondering how it will work out, but I am letting that go and reminding myself that it will be fine. Or at least, fine enough and Peter will be there and everyone loves cookies dammit.

Oh yes, I POS. Everyone kept telling me that urban legend BS( much love to Circus Princess who is having A BOY!!) and blah blah and I was a little worried partly because I watch that show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant and partly because I took a class C drug, and have been having occasional adult beverages as well as living on marshmallows and coffee. I just wanted to be certain I was not incubating a tiny caffeine fueled undernourished sugar junkie.

So Big NEG ,and BIG RELIEF , because I had a dental x-ray too. I almost tested before the dental work but was feeling super safe in that hellooo we can't ever get pregnant. Then I had Mom Guilt and started worrying. So, that's that and Mister and I swore to Always And Forever Use A Condom even if it is pointless, just for peace of mind.

Where have I been?

Well, Peter has gotten three teeth in four days. I can see the next one coming. No wonder he has been crazy. I am about to go to bed. Hopefully Peter is going to get a breather tonight, he has been plastered to my side in bed for days. Poor lambchop.

Stealing time

Mister is asleep. Peter is asleep. But I put on a pot of coffee and came downstairs to blog. I have been giving the computer the kind of longing glances normally reserved for cupcakes or Viggo Mortensen. Or Viggo Mortensen feeding me a cupcake and then rubbing my back. sigh.

Peter appears to be cutting two teeth, and upper and a lower. He is still biting me and laughing. The little stinker. My Dad and Supermom( spell check always tells me Stepmom should be lower case and offered me the alternate spelling of Supermom- HOW AWESOME IS THAT!) came down last night for a belated birthday. They brought the horse-dog. Five cats, a baby and a rottweiler. Thunder kept trying to fight the dog and his tail was all puffed up. He spent the night teasing the dog haha you are on a lee-eash and I am free-eeee ha hahahah ha etc.

Last night was not terrible( or perhaps I was so tired I don't remember?) but the night before that was heinous. So I decided to get a third opinion and made an appointment for Peter for mid-November at an allergist. We can see him trying so hard to sleep but then waking up crying.

I am so torn. Maybe the allergist will find that Peter is allergic to something totally odd, and if we eliminate it everything will be calm. Or maybe Peter has the personality of Napoleon Bonaparte and is just extremely demanding.

We are back and forth on if we want to try again. Like..75% NO FUCKING WAY and 25% we would love another and how could we deprive Peter of a brother or sister if there was a way for him to have one. I am deadly serious when I say I don't know that our marriage could survive another baby like Peter. For all the incredible joy he has brought us, he has also brought fighting and pettiness and screaming and shouting and a lack of intimacy. It's like Mister and I are two deckhands working for a power crazed captain.

I think my husband put it best when he said that Peter is the best thing he ever made but he did not want to make another.

Over seven months of extreme sleep deprivation will change you. I remember a few months ago we kept apologizing to each other for being unkind and not being able to stop ourselves.

I hope some day Peter ( or another child of ours) does not read this and feel bad. It's not like Peter is some kind of baby mastermind trying to break us. He is just a baby and has needs and only one way of expressing them. But that is cold comfort at 10 am, 12 pm, 2 am 2 03 am etc etc FOREVER. I have tried sign language but Peter does not seem interested. Which is a shame. I'm not ready to give up on it yet. If he could just tell me "pain" or "milk" Or "Mommy" it would be so much easier.

So Peter is going to the Philadelphia Children's Hospital and I felt like an asshole making the appointment. There are children there with cancer and organ failure and it makes me feel like someone complaining about their shoes to someone with no feet. But I am still filled with guilt that Peter was in pain for the first three months. I should have switched doctors. I should have browbeaten them till they gave us Zantac. What if he has celiac? What if he has something really weird that a normal doctor would not catch? If he is sensitive to grains then that means I have been causing him pain for three months ON TOP of the first three months. Six months of preventable pain out of seven and a half months of life. I can't take that chance. Who could?

Sometimes I feel terrible using my INFERTILITY related blog to vent at how much Peter is killing us. What a dick move. I would hate me.