Christmas 2014

It's a mixed bag.

We have our lovely children.  That's the best present ever.  I had to go to urgent care because I fucked my back up big time.  Oh the ever loving FUCK.  If you ever wondered"gee how does it feel to nurse a nine month old when your back is fucked?" I can tell you.  BAD. It feels BAD.  It feels like when my labor was induced.  So it feels like trying to nurse while having back labor?  HELL YEAH I AM METAL.  So aside from the fact that I have three children and can't bend over or pick things up or sneeze without insane pain, everything is awesome.

Oh mercy.

Anyhow, Allison is thisclose to walking. Peter and James will be up in three hours.  I could not sleep( ha ha OTC motrin you are not working so funny) and am walking because I can't sit or lay down. Soooo I'm downstairs drinking a little bit at three a.m. because I need something.  oh mother fucker.  

Giving Thanks

It's been a while.  Which is understandable.  My plate is full.  My heart is full.  My life is full.  Our darling Allie is 8 months old and so happy.  So often I look at her and know how different it could have been.

Everyone is asleep and I should be making cranberry jelly.  But I'm  not.  I'm thinking about last Thanksgiving.  This time last year I was 22 weeks and had just had a glowing report from my dr.  And then two weeks later everything would hit the fan.  "Don't Google" those were my instructions to everyone.  I did because I had to and because I could not stop myself and each week after Scott and I would tick off one less worry as she hung in and grew. And stayed.  Our Grand Finale.  When I dreamed of three children I never thought it would take nine years.  But here we are .  And I am thankful.

Every year someone stumbles across my blog on Thanksgiving.  Maybe by accident. Maybe full of the despair I carried with me for years while I waited and hoped and worked for this family.  To you I say, it is ok to feel how you feel.  It is ok to hate me for being on the other side of infertility.  For having what you want.  I hated people too.  You are why I keep this blog up.  You are why I post.  Because there is life on the other side of infertility.  Sometimes with children and sometimes not.  But  it is there. Here is mine.

It's been a busy week.

Allison got two teeth at once and learned to crawl.  Now she is working on sitting up.  My girl is so happy.  Just filled with joy.  Unless I put her down.  Whoooo NOPE.  Princess Pickmeup is not a fan.

We had a lovely day yesterday.  We went to a fall festival.  When James woke up he told me he wanted to go get pumpkins. Well, ok.  It wasn't what we planned but sure.  Then we got there and he would not get out of the car and Allison was asleep. So it was just me and Peter.  We had an excellent time. I literally cannot remember the last time Peter and I were alone. It was a lot of fun.  We went on a tractor ride and picked a pumpkin and he raced around the hay bales.  Then we went to Lowes and Peter and James were Very Impressed with the race car shopping cart.  Then we came home and were like...oops.  We forgot to go grocery shopping. So we went to IHOP.  We had a lovely day. 

Lord I am so tired.  I have to go have coffee while they are still asleep.

Yeah. It's about like you imagine

Allie Bear was six months old on the 20th.  I am so damn busy that I feel like a parody of myself.  She starts solid foods today, my darling baby.  Can it really be six months?  She had a cold ( all three had a cold last week it was AWESOMETASTIC), so we held off til it was gone for her to start solids.  She is getting butternut squash.  Or maybe banana.  The bananas are ripe and the squash needs to be cooked so we'll see. 

We are all still co-sleeping.  Three more months to go and we will move Jamie in with Peter and Allison will have the nursery.  And I suppose all hell will break loose. 

Peter and Allison ADORE each other.  That's not strong enough of a word.  Just not.  They are so precious together.  Peter and James are, well they clearly love each other but I am doing a lot of bouncer work.  I'm still fairly exhausted and on a loop.  Just a 24 hour infinity loop.  Mostly I'm rambling I guess but I wanted to swing into my blog and update it a teeny bit. I am certain Allison will be crawling any day now. She'd probably have been crawling long before now, but I hold her almost all the time.

Allie Bear

Rolled over!

Stolen

Everyone is asleep.  I crept downstairs for my first shower in four days.  EW. True.  Aha. I just heard Peter get up.  Typical. 

We have good days and bad.  I am trying to remind myself that parenting is a marathon and not a sprint, and that I can be good enough.  That I am good enough.  Mostly I feel like I am torn between giving everyone what they need and trying to remain a person. 

In the grand tradition of her brothers, Allison is a big fan of being held.  I'd like to say I hold her safely and lovingly while I help the boys to craft and/or play and/or read.  Sometimes? Sometimes( more often, fine. MOSTLY) James and Peter are fighting and Allison is crying and Handy Manny watches Peter and James while I soothe Allison. 

I hate that.  But I am kind of stuck. I just keep telling myself that soon she will be bigger and it will be easier to keep them all together playing. 

On a great day, Allison takes a two or three hour nap in the swing in the morning and I take the boys outside to play. Then I wash the twenty pounds of mud off them and give them lunch and she wakes up. Then happy play times til Allison takes an hour long afternoon nap in the swing. LOVE YOU SWING. Then Daddy, dinner, bed.

On a good day, Allison takes one nap, and I also take her outside for a bit and I do not dream of day drinking.

On a day like yesterday, Allison cries unless held ALL DAY, and Peter and James fight and fight and FIGHT.  Also cry and whine. AND THEN MORE FIGHTING. And then I scream and put them in their rooms.  Repeat x 5 but feel free to swap out with putting them in the corner. 

We try to make it so they can both have alone time with daddy three times a week.  Sometimes it's errands, and sometimes they go to the YMCA to swim. 

Almost four months

Well, that's incredible.  I've stolen this time by way of Allison napping and giving the boys an excessive amount of cookies. 

We are busy.  BUSY.  It's kind of like when I worked in a restaurant and was constantly doing three things at once. 

Peter is really enjoying being read chapter books, so far Ramona the Pest, The Fantastic Mr Fox, Dinosaurs After Dark, and we are in the middle of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I think next we will go with Charlotte's Web.  He will sit spellbound for half an hour at least, just drinking in the story. 

James has given up his nap.  He is talking much more now, and has complex sentences.  He and Peter can really play together now, and enjoy it.  And fight like mad but still.  They enjoy each others company very much.  It's wonderful to see them developing secrets and games and hopefully laying the groundwork for a lifetime of fun. 

Allison is growing so quickly.  She is growing much faster than her brothers did at this stage.  Thankfully though she is not rolling over yet. Most likely because she is hardly ever on the floor, it's a bit dangerous there with the children racing all over like mad. She is such a happy, happy baby.  Her whole face lights up with enormous smiles.  Also( sorry boo) she is a CHAMPION FARTER.  whooooeeeee.  It's kind of awesome because Peter and James both had a hard time passing gas and she just shocks us all with these really loud ones.  HAHAA( Don't kill me, Allie of the Future).

I really want to do a long post about Allisons birth before I forget everything but who knows when I'll have the mental focus for it.  I still have not driven, it's been seven months.  It's really hard for me to drive when nursing because if the baby cries I can't focus on the road.

Well damn

Allie is taking two giant naps a day.  Like... four hours.  It's amazing.  So Peter and James are watching Dinosaur Train so I can drink tea busy, and I am about to go do laundry.

It's like a hydra, I wash a load and two more pop up.  In between five peoples regular laundry, and Allison's reflux, and all the towels and suits from swimming and all the shirts I have soaked through because I make ALL THE MILK.  All of it.  I could probably churn it for butter.  I have oversupply now because Allison is not in that vicious drink/puke/drink cycle but my boobs have not figured it out yet.  It was dripping on my FEET.  I thought there was a leak in the ceiling.

We are in a routine of sorts.  Peter is up at six and we hang out in bed for a bit.  If it has been a particularly barfy night I take a shower so I am clean for five minutes.  Then breakfast, and Allison goes in the swing or the chair for a nap. A bigass nap.  Before Mr. goes to work I MUST unload the dishwasher and take out the garbage and/or recycling.  Or else the kitchen is a disaster all day and it's depressing.  We run the dishwasher twice a day usually which is crazy but it's faster than washing dishes.  By like 30 seconds, but I need those seconds sometimes. hahaha.

Then the boys play or fight or fight and play til snack and then more fighting and playing and playing and fighting til lunch.  Sometime in there they watch a little tv because I could write a WHOLE SEPARATE BLOG about what happens while I am trying to nurse Allison and they are racketing around looking for trouble and then finding and embracing it.

Then sometimes James takes a nap.  Which is both necessary and glorious.  But not always because he does not want one, he wants to stay up and play and fight and fight and play with Peter.  But when he does take a nap, if Allison is happy then Peter and I do a more complicated craft or a workbook or legos.  If Allison is clingy or I had a particularly sleepless night, we watch some kind of engineering show like How It's Made or Dirty Jobs or like that.

Then more playing and fighting til Daddy gets home. Then dinner and bed. Or sometimes just playing and bed.  The boys seem to want dinner at 4 30, and we normally have dinner at 7, then bed at 8.  But they seem to prefer a meal at 4 30.  I would rather we ate as a family but they aren't eating then, they are just whining and getting in trouble.  Sooooo I'm moving to feeding them way early and then letting them pick at whatever for dinner.

Peter goes to swimming three times a week now, with Mr.  It's nice to be alone with James( aloneish?), and not have him overshadowed by Peter and his enormous...persona? Personality?  Whatever.  It is nice for James to be BMOC.

Then we wrestle them into bed, and Allison demands to get in bed by nine at the latest and then she nurses and pukes on us til Peter comes in at six.

 That's pretty much our day. 

11ish weeks in

It's calming down.  I have a lot of time to think while feeding Allison but not much time at all for anything else.  Except watching tv or reading.  I just feel really neglectful of my blog, but that's better than being neglectful of my children. HAHAHA.  I really want to put a picture up but none are loaded.  Allison actually looks almost exactly like Peter, but with a darker skin tone. 

We are waiting for the pool to warm up so we can go out, it's going to be 88 today. I haaate taking them outside because it's a goat rodeo every time.  Three is absolutely a tipping point.

We won( lost) the acid reflux lottery and Allie has it.  Not at bad as Peter did, but we are still surfing a tide of vomit and she hates to lay down.  She's been on zantac for a week and it is improving things.

While it is calming down( showering every other day! Meals that are not frozen! The house is slightly less disastrous!) I am still constantly busy.  It's literally constant.  I think my days are either 24 hours of childcare( if you choose to count while she is in our bed asleep) or maybe 20 hours.  I am getting about four hours of sleep a night, between nursing and night waking and Allison still having her nights and days reversed and Peter being up and ready to go at 6 a.m. ( Peter of the future, WHY?)

It's awesome but way crazy.  WAY CRAZY.  The shit is hitting the fan so TTFN.

Five people in my family .

We are all here. Allison Elizabeth is perfect and weighed a wonderful 6 pounds 12 ounces!  I have really bad carpel tunnel still so I will have to come back to finish. We came home yesterday.

38 weeks

Everything is set for Thursday. I am just trying to keep it together til then. I had my last checkup this morning. Mr shaved my legs again last night. I almost cried in the car thinking about another c-section. I was hoping they weren't as bad as I recall and James's was easier than peters but still. Six weeks of pain and two older children who want and need my attention. I'll have to stop think jog about it, since I can't avoid having one.

I'm getting my tubes tied. That is crazy. That is just shut up crazy.  But I am not going to take a chance on getting pregnant at 42.  I won't put my kids through another three months of this. I can't. It's not fair to them and I don't think I could handle the stress of another high risk pregnancy.  

Suck it carpel tunnel

My hand is numb but I am pressing on. Mr came to bed way late and woke me up and I could not fall back to sleep so I figured WHAT!  TIME TO BLOG?!

James turned two on Wednesday.  He is so sweet and gentle and loving.  He adores his new doll which he calls Baby.  Baby goes everywhere and has many diaper changes.  We were not allowed to leave the other day because Baby was poop.  HAHAA.  So cute. 

He is talking more and more now.  Peter talked a bit sooner than James did but James is really coming along now and thank goodness because it will make it easier for all of us when the new baby is here.  We are not anticipating the same level of jealousy that Peter had because James has never been alone and James is much less intense to begin with.  He had a lovely birthday with an excessive amount of balloons and he helped Daddy make his cake since he loves to cook.  We made a buttermilk cake with marscapone cream and strawberries.

Sir Peter will be four on Sunday! He is getting a train cake per request.  He is also going on a train ride with Daddy and Jamie and his aunt and grandma.  I'm staying home to save my energy for the rest of the day.  The train ride would wipe me out.  There will also be pin the tail on the donkey and balloons.  A bit more involved than Jamie's birthday but Peter is older.

Next year we will have a big party for when they are three and five ( and one!) but small seemed advisable this year. 

I have an appointment early this morning to get waxed so I don't look too awful in all the pictures I am guessing will get taken next week.  I have to say that getting my eyebrows waxed right before James was born was one of the smartest things I did since it made me look a little less....major surgery new baby beat and more well groomed ad lip gloss and go.

We are also going for some last minute shopping today, I am getting a bunch of sweats at Le Mart du Wal and so is Mr for hanging around the house and getting barfed on.  Once it warms up and I shrink a bit we'll go to Target for more in betweeny clothes til late summer and fall.  I need a whole new wardrobe since I have been pregnant or nursing almost straight through since July of 09.  Which is insane but there you go.  I want to go cheap til I see what size I end up.  At which point I will go slightly less cheap. ahhahha

Yesterday was a new low and the baby stretched and kicked at the same time so I threw up acid and peed at the SAME TIME.  So that was nice.  I am still in a lot of pain, I don't know why the hip pain is so bad, but getting up from laying down is atrocious and standing after sitting is also bad.  And then too much standing and I get Braxton Hicks so basically I've no good way to be. 

I feel so different this time.  I feel guilty for not enjoying or documenting this pregnancy more, but I have been so punch drunk with everything.  Something that is very different for me is that with Peter and James I did not allow myself to love them before they were born.  I was too afraid, but I cannot seem to help it this time, even though this pregnancy has been much riskier.  I am just holding on til they get the baby OUT.  I would like you OUT baby  because I feel like it's safer.  SAFE IS GOOD.  INSIDE IS LESS GOOD. 

Ugh now my arm and my hand are numb. 

I can't believe I am getting my tubes tied.  I can't believe I NEED to get my tubes tied.  That is crazy.  I guess I will feel a little sad that having it done means no more babies ever.  But seriously I would not be able to handle another high risk pregnancy.  My nerves can't take it and I certainly would not do that to the children again.  They have been so amazing. Even trapped in the house with me for 13 weeks with no driving or outside time, they have been so wonderful.  But they have given up enough and I would never try this again and try light duty with three children to care for.  It's too much for all of us. This time around was scarier than with Peter.  Let me now pause and try and decide if laying on the couch for the third trimester alone and lonely and bored and worried was harder than what I am doing now.  I think it was.  YAY. 

I am resigned to my third c-section.      At least I know now that I need to take extra stuff to poop so I am not spending days trying to do that.  I'll take the hardcore stuff right away.  And I know that the spinal(?) makes me itch like crazy all night long so hopefully we can manage that better and I know that I will do too much too soon. Because how could I not?  I don't know if I'll get them but I am going to ask for an extra week of drugs. 

I made four dozen banana chocolate chip muffins and today am making a batch of lactation bars.  Mr is making candied nuts and he did an enormous grocery shopping yesterday. 

We successfully ( ok MR) got the new carseats in the car. They are rated five to one hundred pounds and can be used front and rear facing and after fifty pounds turn into a booster seat. It's amazing that we can fit three carseats in the back of a Honda Civic.  THANK GOD.  We do not need a car payment on top of everything else.  We have two of the skinny ones and the Chicco we used for Peter and James is in there for the new baby. AH CAIN'T BELIEVE THEY ALL FIT.  We told the boys they are racecar seats and racecar drivers don't eat or drink in the car.  They have fallen for it.  Our main concern after getting the seats into the car is that the boys might hurt the baby because they will all be in a row.  However James in is the middle and he is gentler. So we instituted a no cups or food in the car rule to make sure the baby did not get any choking hazards offered to it or get beaned by a cup.  They are Diono Radian R100 convertible carseats.  We got a good price by choosing a discontinued color.  They don't use the latch system which is crappy but they have amazing safety scores and hello we saved at least 13,000 not buying a car.  THANK GOD.  Oh THANK YOU.  Seriously. 

Once the baby can get turned around we'll buy another. We'd like to put off a new car for two years.  At which point honk honk I know we will need a mini van but we can put it off for a while.  I mean if money was no object hell YEAH I would have wanted a new car but ummm. No.  I'd much rather have take out twice a week this year. 

We upped our grocery budget too, now it's around 160 a week.  I cannot believe how much we spend on groceries. 

My bills are coming in from all the testing and procedures and stuff.  We are up around 2 grand I think. yay. 

Mr got a fantastic raise and we will get a small bump once we add another deduction.  All in all we are feeling really happy about our finances.  We still are not making as much as when I worked too, but we are making enough with money left over at the end of the month. So that is awesome.

The big question right now is when Peter will start school.  Not only is it a big financial commitment but he will have to be driven.  Mr can drop him off but I would have to get him and bring him home.  That was not as big a deal when we thought it would be just Jamie at 2.5 but to haul a nursing baby on a nearly two hour round trip four days a week is not appealing. Daunting. Scary. Stupid? Pick one.  We are going to wait and see.  We both feel Peter is ready for something and that it is not fair to put off his needs indefinitely but we will be a family of five and everyone will just have to work together.  Maybe a different class or two for a year? He was supposed to start swimming this winter but we could not because it was too much driving and lifting for me.  We are going to have to see and think about it more. 

37 weeks

I am on my stupid iPhone and am still having carpel tunnel problems so this is short.

We did great at the drs today! Baby had a growth spurt and instead of being in the 7th% is now in the 14th%! My fluid is great and so was my non stress test and the Doppler biophysical profile . The baby is now also proportionate! The MFM dr said it is really rare for them to do this well but they are so pleased that I was able to cancel my last two appointments! Right now the baby is looking around 5 and some pounds and should gain a pound in the next ten days. So small but totally acceptable. We are so relieved.

My last OB appointment is Tuesday morning and my c-section is scheduled for next Thursday.

I can't believe we've made it.

I am so happy. There is a chance the baby could still have a stay in the nicu , because of the c-section at 38 weeks but compared to all the things that almost went wrong, I am not too concerned.

We are doing it at 38 weeks because with James my OB said that I was too thinned out and if we had another she wouldn't let me go any farther . We talked about it some today and we both agree that the smaller risk of breathing problems is better than the larger risk of abruption.


I am having a lot of swelling, more than I did before. Mr was so horrified by my legs today that he has me on the couch with my feet up. I am having a lot of problems with hip pain and carpel tunnel and exhaustion but they are so small compared to the giant worry I don't have any more. 

36 weeks

Mostly the big news is that my due date was changed again. I think this is the fourth or fifth time.  The baby is doing well and I am beat. Swollen feet, carpel tunnel, and insomnia. The baby is back to moving more so that is good.

35 weeks

I had my OB appointment today. Obligatory can't find the heartbeat swap out the batteries everything's fine moment. Ugh. So that was fine. Then we went to lunch and then to the hospital for my non stress test and Doppler/ biophysical profile.  Everything looks good. I have had a bit less movement in the last four days, both in frequency and strength. I  am also having some anxiety about the increased risk of stillbirth. So they are having me come in twice weekly for monitoring. It's going to be a big pain, logistically but the dr said when you do it twice weekly it's 99.9% accurate at monitoring if the baby is ok. So I said yes. We are still looking at three- four weeks til the birth. I won't really know more til the next growth scan in two weeks . Which is a long, long time to wait.

Peter and James are very sweet about talking to the baby and saying hi, and James likes to point and say baby and then kiss my tummy. Which is as precious as can be.

I am pretty tired from our long day.  It's a weird week, mr is traveling for work and it's just us. It's not as bad as I was afraid it would be. Though dinner is a fiasco every night.

34 weeks IUGR

So that's new. Everything was going fairly well except for the discomfort and inevitable You Are 39 and have two children under four and are in your third trimester exhaustion.  And the stir craziness of winter inside with Peter and James and not being able to go out.

So today was my 34 week growth scan and baby is in the 7th%. My dr was very pleased with all the other tests, my blood pressure is great and the placenta and umbilical cord look good and there is plenty of amniotic fluid. Baby is moving well and practice breathing well. It's legs and head are fine, the stomach is small.  So I have to go back every week to the hospital for a more in depth non stress test, with a Doppler. And in three weeks I'll have another growth scan.

I had just relaxed and stopped worrying about the abruption and now this. Be ok baby. 

30 weeks.

We're ok.  We redid the office into a playroom and packed up the desktop.  So I am on my iPhone. Super annoying. We all have colds.
But I'm not dead, I swear.


Dear Baby,

I am glad you are kicking and growing and hopefully we will actually be ready when you get here, yikes!