NYE.

Well, this year is pretty awesome. 

NYE 2008 , I had a BFN and went to a party wishing I was not allowed to drink.  Depressing.

NYE 2009, we spent the day at the hospital for monitoring and I got put on bed rest. We did not go to the party.  Scary. 

NYE 2010, Peter had a miserable cold and I sent Mr. to the party without me.  I was happy and thankful for Peter- my snotty and drooly baby. 

NYE 2011 Again with the NO PARTY.  My third year missing it.  I'll probably miss it next year too.  But you know, I really don't miss it at all.  Because our son ran shirtless through the house tonight shrieking and laughing and tripping and playing.  Requesting multiple stories and songs and getting into mischief.  Delighting us, just like he always does because he is AWESOME.  And incredibly, magically, amazingly it seems we will have TWO of these loons chasing each other on NYE 2012.  We can't wait. 

Appointment

It went well.  Except for the part where I feel doomed to no vbac.  Do not get me wrong, I am ECSTATIC to be having a baby.  I am, and however he gets here as long as he is healthy is FINE.  Super.  AWESOME.  REALLY.  But I remember all too fucking well the misery of recovery with a constantly crying baby.  Add Peter to the mix and I am forecasting badness.  And the fact that there is nothing to be done about it has me going between calm acceptance and epic denial.  It could happen, right?  I asked my ob( there are two in the practice) if she thought it was likely I would go into labor on my own and she said no.  I prefer honesty in my drs so I am glad she gave me her opinion instead of refusing to commit but I am holding out some hope to avoid surgery.  If I did not have Peter, I would not care.  But I do have Peter and so I HAVE to care.

Other than that, my blood pressure is great and everything else is good.  This pregnancy is much easier than Peter's.  That sentence is so simple but says so much, sheesh no carpal tunnel, no anal fissures, so placenta previa, no tmj, no gestational diabetes.  AMAZING.     Anyhow, my c-section is scheduled for March 5th at 8 45 a.m.  Which is nice because it is a Monday so gives us the whole weekend for last minute shit and cuddling with Peter. 


In related Peter news, my ob said I have to find a way to get him to nap because she does not want me staying in one position for longer than a half hour( like in the car) but he just won't.  Why does everyone think I am not trying?  HELLO I AM EXHAUSTED I WOULD LOVE IT IF HE NAPPED. 

30-ish weeks

Here we are.  My next appointment is in two days, I can't believe how quickly the two weeks went.  Christmas was awesome.  I would say 80% awesome, 20% my Mom was being a martyr.  But the important parts were awesome.  Really Mom just kind of rolls of my back now.  Sort of.  After I have had a couple days perspective.  Peter had a great time and so did we.  All the important stuff got done.  Except cleaning the bathrooms and baking cookies.  But the house was mostly clean and everyone had a nice time.

I am trying to slow down now, I have a lot I would like to do but I am trying to pace myself.  I get another chance tomorrow.

The super BIG exciting news is that....... I DO NOT HAVE GESTATIONAL DIABETES THIS TIME.  Holy CRAPBALLS PEOPLE.  What are the odds?  I am actually wondering as my casual googling did not tell me.  They said I passed my test just fine.  Hooray!  I celebrated with hot chocolate.  And general giddiness.  And not just because I love cheese fries.  Mostly because every time I would try and monitor my blood sugar and eat at the right times it would all go to hell.

Well, I suppose that is it for now.  I am too pooped to be all introspective and stuff.  

I am back to add that I am totally blown away by the conclusion I came to.  Since my blood sugar is fine, I am REALLY JUST THIS EXHAUSTED.  Holy Mother.  

29 weeks

It's getting harder. This weekend I was pretty useless since we did so much shopping this past week and my foot hurt so much when I put any weight on it.  My ankles are pretty swollen.  Right now he is doing his finals( he went back to school about two years ago) and I am sitting in a very messy house.  But here I sit. Because I have to spare my feet for the coming week.  Hopefully this pain will go away like the sciatica and the random inner thigh pain did. 

My neighbor is coming over for a few hours tomorrow to watch Peter while I put my feet up.  We went to two holiday parties this weekend and spent about nine hours total in the car.  UGH.  But it was nice to see our family.  EXCEPT  YOU, MIL.  My mother in law made me into my own worst nightmare.  Probably none of you remember my worst infertility holiday but I will never forget it.  Anyhow, when we got to the family brunch we were shocked to see both MIL and FIL there.    Peter was very clingy and needed me to hold him.  So I was holding Peter and MIL stood up next to me to introduce me and Peter and then that cow rubbed my stomach and said "AND THIS IS NUMBER TWO"  She has no idea how lucky she was that I was A. shocked and B. holding our son.  Because THE URGE TO KILL WAS INSTANT. 

I cannot believe she did that.  NO ONE WANTS TO GREET MY STOMACH, YOU CRAZY BITCH.  I cannot believe she rubbed me.  NO RUBBING.  I hate it.  I hate it so much.  If you did not help put the baby IN and you are not helping take the baby OUT, then DO NOT RUB ME.  Especially do not do it when I do not like you to begin with.  I cannot believe that heifer made me INTO my own worst infertility nightmare. 

When I say that I am never going to let this go, I AM NEVER GOING TO LET THIS GO.  I am so, so,SO happy that we are not telling her when we go in to have the baby. 

I failed my one hour glucose test, so we are going in on Friday to take the three hour.  No big shock there.  At least Mr. already had that day off so he can drive me and watch Peter.    I am pretty resigned to having GD, and not scared about it or upset.  It's not that terrible once you get used to it.  Or at least it was not last time.  As long as my blood pressure stays low, I will be happy.

You can get used to anything. Sort of.

It's Friday.  FINALLY.  Peter is still not napping in his crib and when left in his room to his own devices( AKA pray he gives in and goes to sleep) he gets into mischief.  Which is incredible considering how much we stripped down his room.  In his room are his bed, a rug, some books, a bookshelf we took the bottom shelves off to keep him from climbing it, and a dresser. Yeah, he climbs the chair and hangs off the back.  And has also figured out that he can climb the dresser.  So I don't feel safe leaving him in his safe room.  Not when he could fall off the back of the chair.  Do I think he would die?  No.  Do I think he would hurt himself and then we would have to go to the ER? DUH. 

Now that I plan to get nothing done between the hours of 7 a.m and 7 p.m. it is easier.  Well, easier in that I do not kid myself into thinking I can flip the laundry or cook dinner.  Because I can't. In the amount of time it takes me to peel a carrot that boy climbs up on the tv stand.  In the time it takes to get a glass of water( our house is 1800 square feet so what 90 seconds?) He climbs onto the dining room table. 

Anyway, my point is that I have surrendered to only getting done perhaps vacuuming since he likes to push the vacuum while it is running and putting away some laundry while he runs around upstairs.   I either cook dinner the night before or we have something that can be made in 10 minutes or less like grilled cheese and tomato soup. 

Everyone keeps telling me to take him for a drive. I resisted at first because that does not get anything done around our house, and it does not give me a real break since I hate to drive and it gets uncomfortable when the baby is low. But at least I get to sit down and it takes the edge off Peter.  Because otherwise he loses his MIND at around 4 30 or 5.  I have no idea how long this will go on.  But the physical and mental stress on me of chasing Peter for 12 hours is pretty harsh.  I cannot even pop a movie in and cook, because after a few minutes he plays with all the knobs on the tv, or tries to climb on the stand.  Or whatever.  Mr. and I have been fighting more, because by seven p.m. I am just worn down.  I do something like clean up the kitchen or put away a load( or four) of laundry and I am finished.

In happy Peter news he has finally had a vocabulary breakthrough.  He can count to 10( it was nine only two days ago) and can recognize about a quarter of the alphabet and numbers 1-9.  Ten is confusing for him but who could expect a toddler to understand 1 and 0 is different from 10?  He also knows many colors.  I did what that article Amanda linked to(mentioned?) suggested and instead of telling him something was a blue car or a red crayon I said"that crayon is red" "that car is blue". Which was a pain to get used to but obviously worked.  He knows green, blue, brown, white, black, peach, purple, yellow(that was the hardest for him to say and he calls it yel), and pink.  He also says crayon, cheese, cracker, cat, bunny, eye, milk, cookie, various animal sounds, car, bug,baby, tickle, nite nite, awake, and there are more.  He says new words every day and it is so awesome to see what is going on in his head.


He also plays games he makes up. Most notably,  NITE NITE, WAKE!  He lays down, says nite nite, and pretends to snore.  Then he sits up and says WAKE!  It is adorable, though semi-aggravating when he actually needs to sleep.   He is still not saying Mommy or any variation of it and has said Daddy only twice. 


I am going to help Mr. with some wrapping before Peter is WAKE!

28 weeks

Greetings to you third trimester.  I had my appointment today.  I am so tired.  I gained some more weight but no one complained so eff it. My blood pressure was good and that is nice.  I took the one hour glucose test but it will take a week to get the results.  After we get the results I am going to book our mini vacation for January.  Hopefully.  I might wait till 30 weeks just to see what my blood pressure does. 

I am fucking tired.  I HATE YOU GLUCOSE CHALLENGE.  Gah.  My sister slept over and stayed till two and so I was only alone with Mr. I WON'T NAP for four and a half hours.  He is still refusing to nap in his toddler bed and still getting exhausted and clearly in dire need of a nap.  We pushed his bedtime from 8 to 7 15.  That's the earliest we can get it, since he won't nap to let me get dinner done during the day and I can't always make it the night before.

Tomorrow I am going to wander the grocery store looking for the easiest meals possible. 

Tomorrow is also Mr's last bowling night for a year.  I am a bit sad for him because I know how much he enjoys bowling in his league.  But I cannot do it anymore and certainly not after March.  If this baby is relaxed( ahem not like Peter) then maybe he can go back sooner. 

My ob and I talked more about my pretty damn likely c-section today.  I am trying to remind myself that a healthy baby and mommy is the most important thing. And maybe I would be having more luck with that if I did not ALREADY know what it is like to care for an infant while recovering from a c-section.  I have an extremely high pain tolerance and it still sucked flaming balls for me and I am not a weenie about pain.   I do know women who bounced back much better than I did.  The idea of Compounding the SUCK of recovery with infant care and nursing and then with the needs of a toddler who still very much needs his Mommy makes me very unhappy.  Unhappy being A LARGE UNDERSTATEMENT.

Annyway, I asked if they had scheduled it yet and she said no, I repeated that while I trusted her and the other dr. very much and would abide by whatever they thought best I really wanted a vaginal delivery.  She said they normally do scheduled c-sections one week before your due date but that she would push mine to my actual due date.  But that their practice does not induce women who have had prior c-sections so I would have to go into labor on my own before 40 weeks. 

So I am feeling a little gloomy.  Instead of looking forward to being home with my family and enjoying that time I know I will be most likely creaking around and miserable and popping motrin. 

On the positive side my sister is planning to take five days off to stay with Peter while I am in the hospital, and so at least I know he will be with someone he is completely comfortable with. 

How to be pregnant with an active toddler. By special request.

This is somewhat like saying "How to boil water in 325 easy steps." because once you figure out what works either your pregnancy changes or your toddler does.

Sooooo in the beginning I was very tired but was able to function more or less normally.  I suggest putting an overnight diaper on your toddler when you go out for more than a normal errand.  For example, I love my OB and willingly make a nearly two hour round trip to get to her office.  It was a pain when I was pregnant with Peter.  Now that I am pregnant and WITH Peter, it is still a pain.  It jacks up his nap.  I have to pee by the time we get there.  He is either bored and restless  from sitting in the car or WIDE AWAKE from his hour long nap.  Either way, I have to find a way to deal with his energy.  Peter has been to every appointment I have had INCLUDING the two big ultrasounds.  Most memorably, at the ultrasound I had to see if the bleeding was normal or DEAD BABY bleeding, Peter was tickling my feet.

Anyhow, I bring toys that are small, that are ok to lose.  Say...third string toys.  And books.  And snacks.  And drinks.  I either get there EXACTLY on time so we don't have to wait or early enough to give him time to play.  There is a big atrium at my OB's and he likes to run around it.  I bring an umbrella stroller and bribes- chocolate milk and a treat like cookies for the wait.  I bring PATIENCE.  He is little.  Appointments are both BORING( sit in the stroller) and EXCITING( TOUCH ALL THE BUTTONS!  SMACK THE STIRRUPS! MOMMY HAS NO PANTS ON!  THROW MY TOYS!) it is very fortunate that both the obs in my practice are Moms of boys.  I know some girls are very active also( shout out to my homie Louise) but Peter is quite...peppy.

I also allow Peter to run around the atrium after the appointment, and then I allow him to run around outside for at least 15 minutes before the car drive home.  I plan the rest of our day out since I know his nap is most likely doomed.  We have an easy dinner like hotdogs that night and an easy lunch like yogurt.

Up until a few weeks ago Peter and I were able to walk for at least an hour every day.  It was a little weird because toward the end of our walks I would get contractions, especially if Peter wanted to be picked up to see something.  My ob assured me this is normal in a second pregnancy.  This is actually my third pregnancy, but I knew what she meant.

I had to drop my standards.  Because if I don't rest then I am exhausted by six p.m.  It meant that we had to creep back to tv. Which I am not happy about, but after getting some scary contractions at the grocery store I knew I needed to scale back.  So we eat hotdogs( they are nitrate free turkey dogs), spaghetti, deli turkey and noodles with instant gravy, macaroni and cheese, pizza and a few other things.  Nothing big.  Nothing crazy.  If something is from scratch like macaroni, then something else is from a can, like corn.  If we could afford it, we would get take out WAY more.  But we can't.  And that is why God made grilled cheese and tomato soup. 

I give the environment the finger and use the dishwasher almost every day.

I make things count.  Like, if Peter is sitting in the tub, I sit next to him like always but have a tub of chlorox wipes and wipe around what I can reach.

I drink coffee.  It's that or fall asleep while Peter shaves the cat and makes long distance phone calls.  I drink one cup in the morning and a splash later in what I call a Mommy Mocha.  A little coffee, a little sugar and then ovaltine to fill the  cup.  Peter and I are alone from 8 15 a.m. till 6 30 p.m. every day, and my husband is also back in school so figure Mr. gets about two hours a day with us and the rest he is at work or doing class work.  AWESOME!!!

As I get bigger I have had to change some things.  We used to go up to my Mom's more but since she is not able to chase Peter and  the house is not baby proofed it is exhausting to go there now.  I  made my official last trip there yesterday. 

Use your broom.  Seriously.  It's great for getting all the toys out from under the couch when you are too round to reach.  Peter also enjoys crayons, finger paint, and play doh.

Peter is very good about making many many trips to the bathroom with me, and I have things in there for him to play with.

I don't have much help.  And for all that my husband means it when he says "rest and I will take care of it", what he really means is rest and I will do what I always do and then wonder where dinner is and also why I have no clean underwear. Soooo while I can count on him to make dinner.  I can ALSO count on him to not clean up.  Or not clean up right.  By which I mean there will be grease all over the stove and a dirty pan in the oven and the garbage will be MASHED into the can and not taken out.

I try and be realistic about the fact that I am useless after 9 p.m.  Sometimes I fall asleep by 8 30 and then feel like I have no break from Peter because I get up when he does.

I have also noticed Hair Trigger Bitch Syndrome.  I found that on Rants from Mommyland.  Oh yes.  I have a MUCH shorter fuse this time around.  Either because having a toddler who thinks riding the cat and shaking the lamp and whipping electrical cords around like war hammers and throwing food and ETC and never napping is for every day and not just sometimes, or maybe I am more hormonal this time around.  Either way.  I had a few weeks where I ate bags of Lindor Balls and chocolate bars and many potato chips just to keep from losing my mind. 

The best way to deal with Hair Trigger Bitch syndrome is just to smash it down any way possible. A box of cookies? Better than yelling at your child.  A candy bar? Better than punching your husband in the nuts.  A new four pack of play-doh every week?  Not a DEAL BREAKER when it keeps your child happy for an entire half hour while you sit in a chair and pray for strength.

On Monday night ( I have some crazy second wind tonight and am feeling fine at ten p.m.) we switched Peter over to a big boy bed.  Not by choice.  He was hurling himself out of his crib-think of those paratroopers jumping out of a plane.  So, now I do not even have the illusion that he is safe while I shower, poop, or cook.  It has been a pretty horrid couple of days.  Peter is tired but does not want to nap and I can't MAKE him nap because he can get out of bed.  I am stressed and worried thinking about the fact that this is FOREVER and I will nevereverever again know he is at least safe in his crib while I
A. Clean up the horrible whatever.
B. Am taking the world's fastest shower after throwing dinner together.
C. Move the car because it is street sweeping day and otherwise I will get a ticket but Peter understandably does not enjoy getting put in his car seat for one minute while I drive the car across the street.
D. Lay down for five minutes while he looks at books because I am tired. 

I actually broke down crying tonight when Mr. got home because he was going on and on about how I was days away from my third trimester and I was just going to get MORE PREGNANT and I was going to have to deal with it and OF COURSE I am tired and OF COURSE Peter is active and so I started to ugly cry.  Then I started to laugh because I remembered how you asked me how I deal with being pregnant while caring for an active toddler.  The real answer is sometimes I deal fine and sometimes it is a crap storm of epic proportions.  Sometimes I wonder WHAT IN THE FUCK I was thinking when I wanted another baby.  Because I love Peter and he is about all I can handle most days.  I feel sad when I think that our time alone together is coming to a close.  We have so much fun( usually) and he is so wonderful-mostly- but even when he is naughty he is only 20 months old.  Sure he is going to be naughty sometimes. 

I think infertility adds another layer of awesome Mommy guilt onto being pregnant again.  With the first take home baby you feel guilty if you complain.  With the second one, you still feel guilty.  But you also feel guilt about having to divide your time and attention. Or at least I do.  I feel like neither Peter nor the baby I am carrying are getting 100%.  Sometimes I am so busy with Peter I realize I ate nothing but crap all day.  BAD FOR THE BABY.  Sometimes I am so tired from being pregnant that Peter watches Winnie the Pooh twice and eats hotdogs for lunch and dinner. BAD FOR PETER.   Sometimes I push myself to get the house semi-clean and make a healthy dinner and run errands and then I have contractions and have to lay down.  BAD FOR MOMMY. 

Where is the win?  It's somewhere in between home cooked meals and a messy house.  Somewhere near a movie for Peter while I put my feet up. I just do my best.  Or the best that I have in me that day. 

27 weeks.

Another week down.  13 weeks to go.  YOW.  ExcitingScary.  ScaryExciting.  Yesterday I crossed over from cute and pregnant to WHALE and now I am waddling everywhere. I felt like I had a watermelon between my legs when I was trying to change Peter's diaper tonight. I am having more trouble getting up off the couch and out of bed.  It makes the whole Sex Till The End thing seem less appealing. We managed to do it on ummm Friday morning.  No bleeding.  So that is good.

Probably we are going to hold off till 36 weeks and then we are going to go for it.  As far as I can tell from my very unscientific research sex is the only thing that seems to actually get labor going.  I am going to talk to my ob about it more when it is closer. 

I am tired.  WAY TIRED.