I changed some things.

I had been contemplating making my blog private because I have had some WEIRD people coming here.  Most notably traffic from a.du.lt. friend.fi.nd.er I don't want some skank that is cheating hanging out over here. But I really feel it is important for people to be able to find blogs about infertility and depression.  Because I want them to know you can smack depression down and make it your bitch- instead of the other way around.  So, I think I will be leaving it public, but just not putting pictures of Peter Pants up.

More snow.

If you had told me back in June when Peter and I took two walks a day that there would be entire weeks when we would not leave the house, I would have cried.  Well I haven't  cried but we are all getting a little stir crazy up in here.  This past weekend we started to go see my nephew and had to turn back because of black ice.  Later in the day after Mr. Sun worked some ( some) magic we were able to run to the grocery store and the bowling alley.   NOTE TO PEOPLE WITH BABIES THAT ARE NOT WALKING YET, DO NOT GO SOMEWHERE SUPER EXCITING LIKE THE BOWLING ALLEY IF YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO LET YOUR CHILD CRAWL ON THE FILTHY( OR AT LEAST QUESTIONABLE ) FLOOR.   I did not let Peter down, and he was wroth with me. 

We are battling our old nemesis constipation around here.  It seems like every other week Peter gets backed up.  He clamps his mouth shut tight and refuses juice.  I tried jello made with prune and apple juice, which he found interesting but he did not take enough in.  I have been giving him ground flax seed which I thought was working.  I have been eying up the miralax in the store but have not gotten the go ahead from the pediatrician yet. 

My car is completed snowed in and iced over.  We are well and truly stuck in the house. 

Scary

Well scaryexciting.  Mister is back in school for his masters.  He is getting a degree in internet security to balance on top of his engineering degrees.  I really wish he had gone back to school BEFORE we had a baby.  But I am glad he is going.  I think it is crucial to enjoy your job and be fulfilled by it.  But you better believe I am afraid about how much time this will take up and away from us for the next two and a half years.  His job pays for the whole she-bang as long as he gets a C or better. 

Peter is loving life and I decided on a monkey theme for his birthday The only thing he loves as much as monkeys is flashcards and a flashcard theme seems to lack a certain pizazz.  His sleeping is back in the toilet and we are wondering if maybe he is teething or about to walk.  He keeps threatening to walk, but not actually walking.  A step here and there, but that's it. 

We are all a little stir crazy from the snow and more is coming.  ick.  We are planning our first vacation in nearly five years.  It's the trip we had to cancel last year because of mah shitty body.  Hershey Hotel here we come!  All I want is to lay in one of their giant beds with amazing sheets and eat room service cheesecake while my sister watches Peter in the next room. 

I am stalling and hoping my coffee kicks in enough to get something done.  I tried to lay down and sleep but it was useless.

CD 27

I suppose AF could come soon.  I am not expecting it, though I will say I am interested in when or if it will get here.  Mister is actually taking his vitamins for the first time ever.  I am really happy about that.  The last time, he did not take them regularly.  I have lost a pound.  I'm not calling it a trend- but I am taking what I eat more seriously than before.  In that I really REALLY want to lose another 19 pounds before I get pregnant again.  I have been pretty successful in giving up ice cream- I have had it twice since I gave it up months ago and that was when Mister brought it home to me.  Ice cream is ( was?) my big thing.  I guess the next thing I am going to try and cut out is chocolate.  I asked Mister to dig the exercise bike out of the cellar- he hasn't yet but I am sure he will this weekend. 

I have been doing good not bringing chips and such into the house and I am not baking like I was.  I miss baking but I can only foist so much stuff off on my neighbor, she is dieting too.  The nicest thing about beginning to TTC again is that while I feel pressured by time and money, I don't really mind if we don't have another.  We are happy and fulfilled with Peter. Yes, I would love more but it's not that terrible feeling I had before. Maybe that will change.

I do however odd this sounds, miss being pregnant.  I know my pregnancy sucked and all, but it was still wonderful.  Maybe like getting a tattoo?  Painful and lengthy but amazing to watch and be a part of. 

Blessedly, Peter has been napping for an hour and I did some laundry and mopped the kitchen.  I saw the calendar and thought "Holy Cats!  CD 27!" 

Same tired, different day.

My Darling Peter Pie slept TWENTY MINUTES  between the hours of 6 30 a.m. and 7 30 p.m.  He is now in bed.   I love him.  I adore him.  I enjoy him.  I have fun with him.  I love to see his little face.  But Holy Mother, he needs to nap.

He gets to a point where he is so tired that he falls down and then cries. He has THREE bruises on his face.  But when I try to get him to sleep he fights AND fights AND FIGHTS.  I really have no idea what to do with him.  Maybe two out of seven days a week he will nap in the day time. 

It's a quarter to eight and I am going to bed soon so I can be semi-rested for whatever the heck happens tomorrow.  I never even got changed out of my pajamas or brushed my teeth today.

Chicken and mashed potatoes.

That's what we had for dinner tonight.  Peter enjoyed it. I put his through the ricer and then thinned it with a little chicken stock.  I am totally exhausted.  And in fact am ready for bed but am rebelling at going to bed before nine.  This weekend was jam packed.  We went to the bowling alley- I thought Peter might be freaked out by the noise but he loved it, we went to a party, we went to AYM's, we went to Grandma and Grandpa's.  It was a busybusy couple of days. 

I did the marketing today, because we have some more freaking snow coming our way.  Peter was constipated AGAIN and I decided enough was enough and gave him a suppository.  I cannot begin to describe the huge poo that boy pushed out.  yow. 

Tomorrow I am going to make him some apple prune knox blox.   I don't want him to have jello and all it's nasty chemicals and dyes and creepyness.  I am still trying to find a way to trick encourage him to have prune juice.

omg I am tired. I can't even stand it, time for bed.

The Netherlands

What I am wondering is why 102 people from The Netherlands have been to my blog this week.  Hello?  I did not get anyone de-lurking during de-lurking week.  But I have a TON of people from places like India and Russia and South Korea and Latvia that come here.  I am curious, that is all.


I have had some really weird sites linking to my blog lately too.  It's just odd, that's all. 

And then there are days like today...

Holy Mother of CHRIST. Peter was up since 5 30, slept 25 minutes all day, had tantrums in the crib, ignored his toys in favor of shaking the lamp, chased the cats, climbed on the cats, NOMMED the cats, threw himself around every time he needed a diaper change, and in general made me think that one baby is plenty.  He wasn't bad, he was just SUPER ENERGETIC and we have been trapped in the house a lot because of all the crappy weather.  I am making sweet, sweet love to some ice cream very soon.  13 hours of Peter and Mommy with no break is A LOT of Peter and Mommy. 

Logistics

Am I crazy to be worrying about a second baby when Peter is ten months old?  My husband thinks I am needlessly wound up.  I woke up this morning and my mind was just circling around the subject.  Who would watch Peter? How will we pay for it now that I am not working?  What if it didn't work?  What if it DID work?  OMG how could I handle TWO?  WHO WILL WATCH PETER??

The reason I am so fixated on who will watch Peter is that I know from bitter experience that it is a super shitty douchy assholey thing to bring your child to the RE.  I don't want to do that to some poor woman that just wants to look at a magazine in peace before her appointment.  Our RE is an hour away.  We have no family near by.  And getting someone to watch your child before an RE appointment is not something that can always be scheduled.  Sometimes you have to go with very little notice. 

Should I look in to a drop in daycare for appointments?  How much will that cost?  I know the pressure I am feeling is because I am 36.  But, I can't go back to the RE till 3 months after I am done breastfeeding - so July at the earliest.  Which is only 3 months before I turn 37, which means I would be 38 IF WE ARE LUCKY before the second baby would be born.  That is old.  OLD OLD OLD.

My husband thinks I am overreacting.  He also thinks we have a chance to conceive naturally.  He says now that my thyroid is fixed and they removed the polyp from my uterus that we could get pregnant naturally.  I know anything is possible and we did get pregnant once on our own before but I can't believe that would actually happen. 

I would actually be content with just Peter.  But I would also be thrilled with one more ,ok- in my not so secret heart I want two more but Mr. and I both have agreed that I will only be pregnant one more time because my body probably could not handle it a third time.  Mostly, I would love for Peter to have the joy/annoyance/mostly joy of a brother or sister.  Both Mr. and I are intimidated by adoption, for different reasons. 

I don't know. I am really enjoying Peter but I know that my age is something that is only going to become more of an issue the longer we wait. 

I am pretty sure we missed the O.

We did itThursday night, and I am positive I felt myself ovulate yesterday( on the left if you're curious) I told Mr. We HAD TO DO IT  last night.  But it did not get done.  He was asleep and I was too tired to do all the work, if you know what I mean.  Then I thought, "if I'm too tired for sex, how will I have the energy for a baby."  So I went to bed, hoping some of Mr's little dudes from early Thursday into Friday had hung around to do the deed.

I told Mr I thought we had missed our chance this month and he said he did not mind because we had Peter Pants.  True.  But STILL. 

We are getting freezing rain here tomorrow, and I am trying to get Mr. Cranky to take a nap so we can go do errands.  He is disagreeing and has been sobbing his wee heart out for about twenty minutes now.  Actually, he is complaining more than anything.  MEH!  Mmphh! Boooooooooo. etc. 


I hope he craps out soon, but every time he trails off he remembers he is indignant and picks back up again. 

Our weekend was ACTION PACKED( lack of TTC aside). We went into Philly to this AMAZING store called Restore- it has architectural salvage and we bought a beautiful door for our upstairs bathroom.  We will be going back for sure, nail bitingly narrow Philly streets with shitty parking, aside.  It has everything, tile, sinks, doors, finials, doornobs( I love doornobs) just all manner of dodads that you need when you have an older house. The woman that worked there was awesome too, she was a carpenter for 20 years.  We also went and bought a new vachttp://www.amazon.com/Miele-S2120-Delphi-Canister-Vacuum/dp/B002TDRA0E/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=home-garden&qid=1295280438&sr=1-3uum  with five cats, Peter and a mix of hard wood, wall to wall, and area rugs- vacuums have a hard life at our house.  This is our fourth and hopefully final vacuum.  It is AMAZING.  I got the canister because I am sick of hauling an upright around and up and down stairs.  This is much easier and does a fantastic job.  I love it. 

CD 15

No sign of the O.  We did the deed last night just in case but I am not holding out any hope.  I have to say, I thought timed intercourse was difficult before Peter.  hahahahaaaaa.  I worry about Peter waking up mid-dalliance-mood killer.   Maybe it is different for other women, but after a 14 hour day of child care I just want sleep.  Anyhow, we are covered as long as we can squeeze in(hee hee) one more round by Sunday.

Finally.

Peter is finally pooping.  It was not a fun time here at Casa Can't Crap.  Things I love about Peter Pants, when he is tired of being held, he throws his toy on the floor.   He tries to give kisses, but they are super sloppy no matter how many times I tell him "pretty kisses" and kiss him with a closed mouth, he slaps a big drooley wet one on ya.  He loves numbers.  He has number flash cards and picks them out of his book bin and looks very seriously at them.  He INSISTS on crawling with a toy in each hand, and then is furious when he falls.  He does the same thing while furniture walking.  He is standing for maybe 30 seconds at a pop now.

He is mighty unthrilled at being put down for a nap.  I was trying and trying to get him to sleep and he was all NO SLEEP MUST NOM. And I was all MOMMIE HAS TO POOP.  So he is in his crib, chatting and complaining but not really crying.
He is obsessed with monkeys.  Sometimes he carries around two monkeys at once.

I was trying to load a new picture, but I can't find them.  All I can find are some po.r.n/y pictures that Mister must have been looking at. 

Hey now

I just wanted to let whomever found my blog by searching "bfn and depression" you CAN overcome the depression related to infertility.  There are many things you can try.  I used Dr. Jeffrey Thompson's cds at nighthttp://www.neuroacoustic.com/.  I started this blog.  I reached out to other people with infertility.  I looked for distractions.  The VERY BEST distraction ever was Russel Brand's comedy.  He is such an unapologetic letch that he actually distracted me.  You can talk to your doctor about an anti-depressant but no one would give me one.  So much for Americans being overmedicated.  I also had a crappy thyroid, and was hypoglycemic.  Unstable blood sugar can jack with your mood too.

Remember to give yourself permission to avoid places and things that will make you feel bad.  I skipped out on many parties where I knew it would be BAYBEESBAYBEESBAYBEES.

It is totally normal to be depressed about infertility.

I remember one time my husband came home from work right after I got my period and I was laying with my head down on the dining room table just sobbing.  I remember hiding in the back at my best friends sons party because I was trying my very hardest not to be THAT GIRL THAT CRIED AT THE PARTY.   I remember this and this which was a terrible day I will never forget.

CD 11

Back on the horse, so to speak.  I told Mister last night that theoretically we should TTC( lol) through the weekend.  Though I have no idea what my cycle is going to do.  Maybe it will magically go right, maybe I will not get a period for months.  Who the hell knows? 


Peter Pants is constipated again.  He shuts his mouth tight and turns away when we try to give him prune juice.  I am gonna call the doctor in a few minutes and see what else might work.  He has been trying and trying and trying.  All hat, no cattle. 

We are gonna get more snow tomorrow.  boo. Peter and I have to go grocery shopping, we were supposed to go yesterday but we ran out of time and Mister was dying to get home and watch football.  I should have gone out alone yesterday morning.  Oh well. We are going to the library too.  And I am  STILL trying to get the house back to it's pre-Christmas level of clean.  I can't catch up.  It was so clean but I lost a ton of ground when Peter was sick for a week.  Ugh.  I'll feel better once the laundry is caught up.  I wonder continually how mothers who work outside the home get anything done at all. 

Our backyard.

We are finally moving forward on our backyard.  It is my #1 priority to have it finished for spring so Peter Pants can have a nice place to play.  We live in a Philadelphia suburb right off a busy highway.  Our backyard is so awful that I can't even look at it. 


But we took the first step to making it nice and our fancy composter came.   We also got a tabletop composterhttp://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000K76CPK/ref=oss_product and we are on our way to making nice compost for our garden!  I am very excited as I have been wanting to compost for a long time.  I am very excited that we will be cutting down on our garbage as well.  Next we will be buying a rain barrel.  We are using part of Mister's bonus to put in a six foot white privacy fence.  Around the fence I am planting peppers- bell and jalapeno, herbs, strawberries, salad greens, and tomatoes.  Probably some zucchini and arugala too.  I have been trying to choose an organic seed company to order from.  I want to make sure I am not planting and genetically modified plants.  Maybe if I only order heirloom plants? 

I am pretty open about my Black Thumb of Death but my herbs did ok this year and I am going to work very hard on our garden.  I mean, I might as well grow the peppers since I spend five bucks on a damn organic pepper. 

We saved our leaves from the fall and the first batch should be ready when we need it. YAY!!!

All clear

I am relieved and confused to say Peter is not allergic to cats,chicken, wheat, milk or oatmeal.  The doctor said that he saw three other parents just that day with children who get hives for no apparent reason.

 So I asked if that meant we did not have to worry and he said...we did.  It was really hard to get a straight answer about what to do. It may go away forever.  It may get worse. It may be something else entirely.  He told us that people get hives for all kinds of reasons and some they can never figure out.  Some people get them from pressure,( actual pressure not emotional pressure)or from the cold.  He said sometimes after a fever children will get hives for a month and then they go away.  Peter did just have a fever from his cold.


On the plus side, I was able to feed Peter last night without fear.  Which was wonderful.  I gave him chicken and pasta and then some applesauce. 


He said we could give him benedryl or not.  Peter does not seem itchy so he isn't getting any.  He still has an awful rash though, what do I do about that?  It's all over his little baby face and neck. We are using aquaphor bath wash and an eczema cream.  I can't imagine what would be gentler.


The drive into and home from Philly was horrific.  It took an hour and a half to get there and just a little less to get home.  There was terrible traffic and the street lights were out in Center City AND there was road construction.


WHAT NOW???  It is international delurking week!  I am dying to know who is reading this blog from Korea and Denmark and Latvia, and Slovenia.  I am beyond curious!

Sucking.

Dinner was scary. Peter had two ounces of cottage cheese with lunch no problem. I gave him two more at dinner with some beef stew and immediately following his bath we could see the hives coming up before our eyes. Like popcorn. We called his pediatrician and she said not to give him any new food till we see the allergist and that it could be anything. Even something I am eating. So NO PRESSURE THERE.

On the other hand, Peter is elated to be up so late past his bedtime and watching Glee with Daddy.

I was pretty panicked.  His breathing was fine, which was the only thing that kept us from going to the ER.

Last night Mr. and I decided I would eliminate wheat for a while and see if Peter's symptoms improved. And they did, a tiny bit.  Maybe he has a problem with wheat and dairy?    I am gonna call tomorrow and see if I can get his appointment moved up.

I got us an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.  Peter seems fine this morning, the hives are gone off his stomach but still on his face and neck.  I need an adult beverage.